His declaration was too much to grasp and made me feel sick to keep thinking about how badly I’d treated him. The break in his voice when he asked me if I didn’t trust him was a reminder of how big an asshole I was. I needed to take my mind off Ash somehow, to stop going over our conversation in my head and hearing those three words overpowering all else.
The sun had barely risen as I changed into a gym shirt and shorts. After lacing up my sneakers, I headed down to the basement and Gabe’s home gym. As he was once again sleeping in his second-floor bedroom, there should be enough distance between us to let off steam without waking him. Shoving my earbuds in, I cranked up some rock music super loud, needing to drown out Ash’s voice from my mind.
Climbing on the treadmill, I set a punishing pace, running for the next hour as if the devil were on my tail. The weights followed, rep after rep, pushing my muscles to complete failure.
I spotted Gabe out of the corner of my eye from where he sat at the bottom of the stairs, so reluctantly turned off my music. “Feel better?” he asked me.
“Nope,” I snapped at him. Despite being covered in sweat and my body being more pumped than ever, my exertions had released none of the stress and tension whatsoever.
“You wanna talk about it?” he asked. “Might help.”
Grabbing a towel, I wiped my face. “I don’t see how. The outcome will still be the same.”
“Why not talk to me anyway,” he reasoned. “If nothing else, you get my sparkling repartee and adorable smile.” He flashed me the adorable smile, and I instantly caved and gave a wan smile back. “There, see, me being here is helping already.”
I let out on a long sigh. I suppose talking to him wouldn’t make the situation any worse. “Fuck it. Why not.”
He chuckled. “Gotta love your enthusiasm.”
I gave him the finger.
“So, spill,” he ordered, all the funny guy attitude gone, replaced by the solid and dependable best friend I’d known for over ten years.
“Let’s sit down.” I gestured at the benches against the wall. We sat and I stared at my feet for a bit, unsure where to begin. Eventually looking him in the face, the words I said next were as much of a surprise to me as they were to him when I asked, “Have you always known you were gay?”
His eyes grew serious as he mulled over my question. “As soon as I grew old enough to figure out what the feelings I had were, yeah, I guess I did.” He shifted on the bench, giving me a direct look. “What about you, Mason? You always know you were straight?”
Never one to mess around, he homed straight in on what I hadn’t revealed. “I used to think so.”
He remained silent for a beat, “And now?”
I contemplated his question. “Now?” I shrugged. “Not so much.”
He placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. “Are you all right about that? It’s okay if you’re not or are still unsure. As I said the other day, you’ve been through a hell of a lot. You nearly died for Christ’s sake. You’re allowed to question the what-if’s, and think about your life from a different perspective. As long as you’re okay and not freaking out, I am too.”
Am I okay?
An image of Ash in bed after we’d made love, with his flushed cheeks and messy hair, appeared in front of my eyes. The sexy satisfied look on his face as he gazed up at me, all so vivid in my mind. How could I continue to question my feelings for him when he was the only one to make me experience emotion so deeply, to crave his attention, to be spinning in his orbit all of the time?
Hell, I’d run down the steps to the beach without thinking once about who might be there or the consequences of my actions to see him, be close to him, to touch him.
“I’m more than okay.” It was one of the easiest answers I’d ever given.
“You love him?” Gabe asked quietly.
I sat back on the bench, rested my head against the wall, and closed my eyes. I’d sworn off love after Lindsay. I’d loved her or, at least, thought I had and built my whole life around the two of us. I’d taken months to admit my feelings to her once we’d started dating, and only seconds to kill them when I found out about her affair. After her betrayal, I’d resolutely promised myself never again.
Yet Ash was the complete opposite. Being with him seemed easy and natural. No wondering what he might be thinking because he always told me, making sure I was fully aware of where he stood, where I stood. He cared for me when I had my breakdowns like he’d done so for years, instinctively understanding how to bring me down from whatever ledge I’d teetered on at the time. He constantly looked out for me, when I’d always considered myself to be the person protecting the one I loved. But no, Ash had protected me all along, and I never realized how much I needed him there to lean on.
I couldn’t say for sure at what point I’d fallen in love with him. The feelings had sneaked under my radar, infiltrating the barriers and walls I’d built to keep them out, lodging deep in my soul without me knowing. If I had to guess, I’d say it would have happened when I’d first met him on the deck, leaving me with a lasting impression when we’d sat on either side of the glass. He was forever there in my head and in my heart, and I’d never noticed until today. Until it was too late.
I inclined my head in agreement, unable to speak the words out loud, needing to say them to Ash first before telling anyone else.
“He loves you?”
“He says he does.”
“So?”