Page 59 of A Little More Hope

“Why did you lie today about not doing work stuff?”

“I never lied. I told you I wasn’t working, and I’m not.”

“But you will be,” I pushed. “And soon you’ll be gone.”

He nodded a reluctant yes.

“So, what about us?” I tried to rein in my rising temper and remain calm, but my frustration and anger at the possibility of losing Mason so soon after we’d gotten together took over. “Are we finished in two weeks too?”

“Ash,” he pleaded.

“Answer the question.”

He sighed, releasing me. “I thought we were going to take things one day at a time. Keep everything casual as me leaving was always on the cards at some point.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t know what else you want from me.”

I love you. The words nearly fell from the tip of my tongue. I so badly wanted to say them, let him know how deep my feelings were for him, hoping the words might change his mind so he’d stay. But the quiet voice in my mind, the one I’d always listened to in the past, the one protecting me from doing anything foolish, prevented me. I mean, what’s the point in saying the words? He already said he’d be leaving, so they’d make no difference.

I make no difference. Same old, same old.

“You’re right,” I answered instead, my voice reasonable. “We were never a long-term arrangement, right? You were always going to leave.”

“That’s not all there is, and you know it.” I did, but I’d chosen to ignore the real reason he was here. “I can’t offer you long-term and never could. I can’t give you what you need.”

“What I need?” I threw my head back and laughed. Hollow. Brittle. “You have no clue what I need.”

“You’re right. I don’t. But I know what I need.”

“Oh?” I was terrified of his answer, guessing I wasn’t a part of his future plan.

“I need to get better; to heal physically and emotionally. I want to learn how to trust people again.”

My voice broke. “You don’t trust me?”

When he stayed quiet for such a long time I had the truth, the slight shake of his head confirming the answer. He didn’t trust me. After us being together nearly twenty-four hours a day for weeks and weeks. Working together to renovate my house. Having fun, talking, sharing, connecting in the most intimate and special way possible.

It meant nothing to him. I meant nothing to him.

He counted me the same as all the rest—dumped in the same shitty box as the strangers he passed on the street. “But you trust Gabe?” I asked, needing him to say it.

A nod: yes.

Spinning away, I stumbled along the beach, needing to put as much distance between us as possible. Ignoring his shouts, I kept walking, leaving him alone. My heart ached where he’d cracked the organ wide open, the pain and anger filling the cavity too much for me to process. But partway to the steps, I stopped midstride, remembering he’d made the journey down here alone since he couldn’t keep away.

Regardless of my current feelings, I readily acknowledged how difficult this had to be for him. The amount of effort he expended to reach me all by himself must have been immense. Turning around, I retraced my steps. He may have gotten to the shore on his own, but it didn’t mean he’d be able to return. No matter my current state of mind, I’d never forgive myself if I abandoned him.

Looking into his face, panic etched into his features as he surveyed his surroundings at the people walking along the sand towards him, the tourists now replaced by the locals back from work and out with their dogs.

He doesn’t trust me.

The words played on a loop in my head, getting louder with every step I took.

He doesn’t trust me.

The nearer I got to him, the more turbulent my mind became.

I’d gotten too close, given too much. I had trusted Mason with all I had, given that trust freely and been a fool to do so. You’d think I’d have learned with my checkered past, boyfriends dumping me, leaving me time and again, but no, I’d always come back for more. But this time, this damn time I’d fallen further, harder than I’d ever done in the past, and for what?

He doesn’t trust me.

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