Page 74 of A Little More Hope

“I knew you were coming here tonight, and I thought…thought…”

I sat as calmly as I could when he didn’t continue even though it near killed me to do so. As the seconds ticked by waiting for him to finish, my impatience to get an answer finally got the better of me. “Thought what?”

He let out a labored sigh. “I thought…”

I wanted to scream my frustration. “What? I’d be so happy to see you I’d forgive the fact you ripped my heart out and stamped all over it? I’d forget about the part where you categorically confirmed you didn’t trust me?” Fuck, why did that hurt so much? “What, Mason? What did you think?”

Our time apart had been some of the most difficult days of my life. I’d battled through my father leaving and my mom’s horrible death from a drug overdose. While I had mourned them both no longer being around, being separated from Mason felt, in a way, that he had died too, and the grief I experienced had cut deeper than losing both of my parents combined. Losing my aunt was the only thing that came close to losing Mason, but even then, it wasn’t the same, as there was always a chance I could bump into Mason here in town, and the wounds I’d tried to heal would be sliced open all over again.

He scowled, and even though I was angry with him, I still had to fight not to ease his discomfort, to not touch and offer reassurance. “I thought the gesture might show you how much I love you and do trust you. Prove I’d be the one you’d love too if I overcame my biggest obstacle for you. Overcame the terrifying reality of being shut in with a roomful of people I don’t know, any of whom might pull out a knife and stab me or a gun and shoot me again in the fucking head, to show you I do want and need you in my life, and I absolutely trust you with everything I am.” His explanation wiped him out, taking his remaining control and ability to keep calm along with it. Even in the dim light of the bar his normally tanned skin looked pale. His hands were shaking, his eyes frantically scanning the room, waiting for his biggest fear to become a reality. He was about to have a full-blown panic attack any second.

“Move,” I barked at a startled Sawyer and Cam, who abruptly vacated their spots. Grabbing Mason’s hand in mine, I tugged hard to try to get him to move but he’d already gotten lost in his own head. “Mason,” I snapped, “Stay with me, okay?” Gripping his chin, I made him face me. “Look at me. Focus only on me.”

Sliding along the booth, pulling him along with me, I made for the door when Gabe stepped in front of me, barring my way. “I got this,” I stated firmly. He hesitated, eyes switching between the two of us. Mason crowded in behind me, stuck to me like glue, seeking out my warmth, my security. “Gabe,” I said softer this time. His eyes stopped on mine. “Please, trust me. I got this.” More hesitation from him, a final glance at his best friend, and then he grudgingly stepped aside.

I didn't wait any longer, and we were outside in the warm summer air as fast as I could get us there. Keeping him close, I headed toward the harbor, hoping the peace and quiet might be enough to help calm him down.

“Keep breathing,” I soothed. “In—” I held my breath for five seconds, repeating the same process I’d done with him on the bathroom floor in what seemed forever ago. I waited for him to do the same. “—and out.” I exhaled. “In—” I counted five seconds. “—and out.”

We made our way over to a bench, which in daylight had panoramic views of the bay, but at night was isolated enough to offer us some privacy.

Sitting him down and forcing my remaining anger aside, I crouched in front of him, continuing the technique until his color returned and his hands lost some of their trembling.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t be sorry.” This time I couldn’t help but give in to the urge to comfort him, so I slid my fingers into his hair, my body relaxing at the familiar feeling. Understanding in a flash of clarity that, as much as I had the ability to calm Mason down, touching him did the absolute same for me.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Turning my head, I stared out at the boats anchored in the calm waters, their masts gently swaying in the light breeze. His words pierced my heart and were what I’d been longing to hear from the very beginning.

“I got scared,” he continued.

“Of me?”

“Of us.”

“I don’t understand.”

His right hand brushed through my own hair, and I briefly closed my eyes to hold in the rush of emotion the gentle action caused.

I’d missed his touch, missed him so, so much.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think since we parted, about us, about my previous relationship. I realized I’d been so blind with Lindsay. I didn’t see how unhappy she was with me, how unhappy I made her.” He took my face in his hands. I curled into him. “What if I make the same mistake again, with you? Become so complacent and oblivious to what you need.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t bear knowing I’d failed you. I’d be devastated.” His eyes closed, and I sensed him envisioning the scenario. “It’s me I don’t trust, not you,” he admitted. “I don’t trust I’ll not make the same mistake again so reasoned if I kept you at arm’s length and not let you get close, I’d be okay. I’d have what I wanted without any of the damaging consequences.” His eyes opened, fixing on my own. “Even doing that, I fucked everything up anyway. I’m so very sorry Ash, for how I treated you. I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest if you never wanted anything to do with me ever again.”

“Hey,” I admonished him, while rubbing a hand over his knee. “I’m not blameless in all this either.” His frown returned, deeper, more confused. “I was so sure you’d leave me. Every single one of my boyfriends had in the past, so why wouldn’t you? I did the exact same as you. Kept you at arm’s length too.” I grimaced slightly. “No wonder you didn’t trust me. How could you when I kept pushing you away all the time? I didn’t have enough faith in what we had for you to stay, so in the end, I left you before you could leave me.”

Mason leaned back against the bench, staring out into the darkness. “I don’t deserve you,” he said quietly.

My chuckle surprised him. “And I don’t deserve you either, but here we are. Two people who don’t deserve each other, together anyway.”

“Together?”

Were we? I got up from my crouch and sat on the bench beside Mason, looking out into the darkness as I tried to wrap my head around his question. Everything seemed so all up in the air, and I had no clue what our confessions truly meant to each other, or if they would make any difference at all to our situation. Despite being in love with Mason, I was far more wary about giving my fragile heart away. How would he protect it enough for us to have any type of future? How would I be able to protect his? “I’m not totally sure,” I answered honestly. “I’m scared to death if we do this, we won’t work out, and we’ll fall apart.” I swiveled to face him. “Once my beach house is renovated, what happens then? You’ll be returning to New York, and I’ll be left on my own again.”

He took hold of my hand, wrapping his strong fingers around mine and squeezing tight. “We’ll work something out, Ash. I promise. I want us to try again, properly this time. We sort of fell into our arrangement before we had a chance to talk about what either of us wanted.”

“That’s my point, Mase. What if that’s all we had—an arrangement to suit us both at the time?”

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