Page 67 of A Little More Forgiveness

“You need to decide if you are going to live in the past or forgive yourself, lay your ghosts to rest, and fight for your future. Only you can make that choice, and nothing me or Leo say or do can change that.”

He turned to fully face me.

“But if you do want to take a chance on us, we need to be clear we have all of you in the present with us, forging a relationship, not fighting against us because of your past.”

He released me from his gaze and looked out at the lake, leaving me to think on his words. He’d given me a lot of information to take in, and I’d need some time to fully process each separate part, to see what would stick, what I could live with, and what I had to let go.

He was right. I had some tough decisions to make.

“We should get going,” I said. “It’ll be getting dark soon.”

“You go. I’ll hang around here for a bit.” He must have caught my expression because he smiled. “Twenty minutes max, I promise. I just want to enjoy the serenity for a little while longer.”

“Twenty minutes.”

He nodded and I left him to his reflection. With only a few days left until Christmas Eve, I guessed he was still processing his emotions, and being here by the lake always helped me to relax, so maybe it was the same for him, allowing him a calming space to think. With one last lingering look at him, I headed into the forest and up the trail to the cabin.

By the time I got home, the wind swirled the snow in excited flourishes around the yard. The lights were on in the cabin, and I relished seeing the welcoming brightness inviting me inside its warmth and comfort as I stepped up onto the porch. Heat enveloped me as I entered, and I hurriedly closed the front door behind me so as not to let any escape. Leo had lit the fire, the wood crackling and the flames dancing, creating a cozy, welcoming, atmosphere my home hadn’t seen in an inordinately long time.

I could have this every day if I wanted.

The prospect tumbled around in my mind and looking around the room at all my familiar things, my eyes landed on a picture on the sideboard. Picking it up, I ran my fingers reverently over the glass at the image of me, Katie, and the dogs sitting on the porch steps, taken by Jared when he’d been staying with us for a week or so.

The midsummer sun, warm on our faces, we were so happy, and I remembered the exact day this photograph was taken. We’d returned from another trip to the hospital after our second round of IVF. We were so sure the procedure would take that time, and I clearly saw the hope shining in Katie’s bright eyes and wide smile. Kids were all she’d ever wanted to make her life complete, and we’d been trying for so long to have them. We’d initially assumed she had trouble conceiving, but after further tests, it turned out my low sperm count had been the issue. Devastated at not being able to give her what she wanted, ultimately her desperation to have kids drove us further and further apart with me shouldering the blame more and more. Placing the picture down, I closed my eyes, thinking of all the hurtful words she’d thrown at me. How I wasn’t a real man if I failed to get her pregnant. She’d have to find someone more virile to take my place. Her vitriol had cut deeply, and though her frustration and heartache were speaking for her, and she hadn’t truly meant all those cruel jibes, they’d still hurt. The months of arguing took a huge toll on both of us, on our relationship, and our lives, and I don’t think we ever fully recovered.

It was one of the reasons I needed to stay here—to earn her forgiveness for failing on my part of our marriage. If I made her other dream of creating a living from our land come true, give her everything except the baby she craved, I would have redeemed myself. Shown her I was worthy of her love, after all.

“No, not yet.” Leo’s voice filtered into the living area from my bedroom. I moved closer to the door, about to tell him he’d gone mad if he’d resorted to talking to himself, but I stopped when, through the small gap, I saw him on his cell. “It’s not that simple.” He paced across the room, the fingers of his free hand continually running through his hair as he listened to the other party, his whole body as taut as a wire. Whoever he talked to on the phone didn’t seem pleased with his response. “Because he’s not finished grieving, and it’s not so easy to—”

I stiffened. Was he talking about me?

“No, I—” Leo huffed when he got cut off again. “Look—” He pulled the phone away from his ear and glared at the device for a second before putting it back. “Okay. Yes, sir, by the end of the week.” Leo slumped his shoulders in defeat and hung up. From where I stood, I could only see his profile, but even from this angle, his expression looked extremely unhappy and frustrated. However, that didn’t stop my mind from continuing to race, as I tried to figure out what he had to do. Performing a quick calculation, I noted Friday the twenty-third would be the end of the week, so what needed to occur by then? Was he still trying to get me to sell? After I’d told him about Katie, he agreed to no longer pressure me or change my mind. Had he been lying? Suddenly, I understood exactly how Gabe had felt as cold fingers of betrayal began to flow through my veins.

I thought things had changed between us since we’d all gotten together, that we were closer, all of us entwining our lives. Had he been lying about his feelings for me, too, and for Gabe, in order to close a deal? My stomach dropped to the floor.

Leo pulled open the bedroom door and emerged from the room, almost bumping into me as he did so. “Oh, hi. I didn’t hear you come in.” He beamed at me, looking so pleased I’d returned, he rendered me mute. He was a damn good actor, that was for sure. “Is Gabe with you?” I remained silent, making him frown. “Mitch?” he asked me nervously. He’d reverted to being hesitant and unsure, so maybe he’d worked out I’d overheard his conversation. For the briefest of moments I wanted to comfort him, tell him I was okay, but in my head, I replayed his call, and the words refused to come.

I plastered a fake smile on my face. “Sorry, got lost in my own head there for a second.” I smiled wider. If he could put on an act, so could I. “Gabe will be here shortly. He wanted to stay at the lake a bit longer.”

“Oh, okay.”

“I’m gonna head for a shower to warm up.”

“Sure.”

“You want me to make dinner tonight?” I asked, deliberately keeping my tone light. “I grill a mean steak if I do say so myself.”

His peal of laughter, I normally loved hearing, grated along every one of my nerves and sent a chill along my skin.

“Sounds perfect.”

“Right. Give me fifteen minutes, and I’ll get started.” I didn’t wait for him to reply as I entered the bedroom and went straight into the bathroom, making sure to close the door quietly behind me. Roughly pulling off my clothes and throwing them in the laundry basket, I turned on the shower, as I tried to think things through rationally while simultaneously restraining the hurt and disappointment building in my veins.

As far as I could tell, Leo had never lied to me. Admittedly, he’d kept a few salient points about his real reasons for being here under wraps, but he’d never outright lied. But this latest phone call sounded as if his plans hadn’t changed in getting me to sell, and that remained the sticking point and what stung the most.

This was why I never let anyone get close. Every time I did, they tried to fuck me over. Irritated, I stepped into the shower and let the hot spray envelop me. Grabbing the shampoo, I poured some into my hand and vigorously rubbed it into my scalp. I’d trusted Leo. Of the two of them he’d appeared the more honest and sincere, but his conniving ways had proved me wrong.

Scrubbing roughly at my body, I tried to ignore the other emotions demanding I give them attention. Gabe’s conversation about if I wanted to take a chance on them seemed ludicrous now, and whatever trust we’d built hung by a thread.

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