Page 84 of Catching Feeling

“Start at the beginning, and tell me what’s going on,” she says as she tosses another piece of candy in her mouth. “I want every single juicy detail.”

I groan, dropping my head back against the couch. “I don’t know, Hallie. It all just feels so… overwhelming. And not even necessarily overwhelming in a bad way, just overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, the way he makes me feel is incredible. He is incredible. I just feel all of these things that I don’t really understand nor know how to even process. I’ve never really felt like this about anyone before.”

Hallie sets the bag of Sour Punch Straws down and turns toward me. “Okay, should we start with the easy part… Do you want to be with Reese?”

For a second, I’m silent, chewing on my lip before I finally answer, “Yeah, I think I do.”

That’s why this feels so overwhelming and so confusing. Because despite every effort not to, somewhere along the way I started to catch feelings for him, and now it seems impossible to ignore those feelings.

Hence, my SOS message to Hallie tonight. I desperately need to work through all of the thoughts in my head after his note from this morning. He’s just so unexpectedly sweet, and I love spending time with him more than I should. The feeling he gives me… it’s one that I’m not ready to give up.

“And you know that it’s okay to like him, right, Viv?” she says. Her expression is serious but kind as she speaks. “Look, I know at first you weren’t his biggest fan, and okay, that’s understandable because he can be very… in your face. That’s just who he is, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing—it can just be a lot. But, Viv, from what you’re saying, it sounds like things have changed between you two, and that’s okay. It seems like you’ve gotten a lot closer since you moved in, and maybe whatever reason that you didn’t like him in the beginning isn’t the same anymore? Because you didn’t know each other that well. It’s okay… things change.”

I gnaw away on my fingernails, the shimmery purple polish beginning to peel as I mull over her words.

“You’re right, but also, it’s Reese, Hallie. The last guy I thought I’d be interested in. And we made this agreement to be strictly roommates. I set these firm boundaries, thinking I could protect myself from his charm, but he completely bulldozed through them, almost effortlessly. Now, I have these feelings for him, and he’s about to graduate in a few months and go to the minors, and I’m a freshman in college. Who even knows where he’ll end up once he’s drafted, and I don’t even know if he even feels the same way. We’re just having sex. That’s what we said.” My words tumble out in a rush that probably doesn’t even make sense because they’ve been simmering inside of me for a while, but once I start, I can’t seem to stop.

It feels good to say it all out loud and to finally admit how I feel to myself.

Groaning, I glance back up at her. “It’s just I feel seen in a way that I’ve never felt before with him, Hal. It still surprises me, but somehow, he just gets me. I feel safe with him. I was definitely wrong about him at first. I know that now—he’s shown me that over and over again. He’s funny and kind and is so loyal to the people that he cares about. But I don’t know… I’m just scared. For so many different reasons.”

“Oh, Viv,” Hallie mumbles, pushing the candy and blankets aside as she scrambles beside me and tosses her arms around my neck, pulling me tightly against her. “You really, really like him, don’t you?”

I nod.

I really do.

“Yeah. And I think I have for a while, but I just wasn’t ready to admit it out loud or even to myself. But after this weekend, after meeting his family, after all the things he’s done to support me… I can’t pretend that I don’t have feelings for him anymore.”

My gaze flits back to the counter, where the note from earlier is. “And we have this silly thing that we do where we leave each other cheesy, pun-y notes with breakfast. It started as kind of like a peace offering and a joke, but then it just… stuck.” I laugh. “He left for the away game this morning, and when I walked in from my library shift, I saw a box of my favorite donuts and a note from him. God, Hal, it just made me so happy, and that’s when I realized that Reese makes me happy. Being with him makes me happy. Coming home after a bad day and seeing him makes my entire day better, and that’s not how you feel about someone who’s only a fuck buddy or a roommate. But yeah, I’m scared to feel that way. I’m… scared because opening up to people is hard for me, especially the last few years. I know that he’s into me, but what if it’s just physical for him? What if it was just about the conquest? I don’t know if I can handle that after I’ve let him in. I’m not sure I can put myself out there like that.”

Her brow arches as her lip curves up, and she looks me in the eye with love. “Yeah, but what if it is more to him? You can’t live your life with what-ifs, Viv. And you can’t always hide your feel- ings from people.”

“You make it seem so easy. The only thing that feels easy is how I feel when I’m with him. I feel like a different version of me. A happier, lighter, more carefree version of me. More like the me I was before…” I trail off, suddenly hit with the weight of my emotions.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, Viv. I know how hard it is for you.” Hallie rests her head on my shoulder and takes my hand in hers to give me a reassuring squeeze. Cuddled up next to me, she waits out my silence, giving me space while I figure out if I want to continue.

She’s my oldest and closest friend. My best friend. And she never left my side when my whole world shifted. She knows that my mom was devastated, that I was heartbroken, and how much has changed since my dad passed away. But even she doesn’t know just how much my mom has been struggling or how much support she needs. I didn’t really let anyone in on the downward spiral of my whole life since that moment. Living it has been hard enough, but talking about it? It just hurts too much.

The familiar weight of guilt feels heavy in my stomach as it does most days, but even more right now. The sinking feeling makes me question whether or not I’m making the right decision to keep the whole truth about what’s been happening with my mom from Hallie or if it’s going to end up hurting her that I didn’t confide in her sooner.

I don’t have all the answers. About Reese. About my mom. About Hallie. And right now, I’ve never wished more that my dad was still here. He always had the best advice about anything that was happening in my life. He always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better, and I wish that I could get his advice. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I have such a hard time opening up to people now because he was always the person that I ran to.

I debate about telling Hallie everything, but for some reason, I can’t get out the words just yet. I’ve already unloaded so much on her tonight. Today’s phone call with my mom made me hopeful that maybe things will be better soon, so maybe the conversation will be completely different when I do talk to Hallie. Why burden her with worry if things really are getting better?

I lay my head on Hallie’s and sigh before steering the conversation back toward Reese. “I’m just in extremely unfamiliar territory, and I feel like I’m trying to see in the dark.”

Hallie nods, handing me a Sour Punch Straw she swiped from the bag. “I understand, but honestly, Viv, the fact that you guys have this… breakfast club little thing together is literally the cutest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

God, it seriously is. I never thought I would be the kind of girl to get so… giddy over things that a boy does, but I can’t seem to stop when it comes to him.

I nod as I finish chewing. “I know. That’s just it, Hallie. He’s always like this. Charming, sweet, thoughtful. I even caught him reading a book about supernatural stuff, and the boy is a complete chicken. Seriously, it gave him nightmares for like a week.”

“No, he did not! Wait… Reese can read?”

A laugh bubbles out of me, and she giggles before adding, “Just kidding. I think he’s got it bad for you, just so you know. The way he acts with you is definitely more than roommates with benefits, Viv. And I think that you should tell him how you feel and give him the chance to reciprocate. How will you know he doesn’t if you never tell him? He’s surprised you so far, right?”

“When did you get to be so wise?” I say, leaning my head against her shoulder, and I feel it dip as she shrugs.

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