Page 66 of Catching Feeling

I double-check the lock once we’re outside, and we walk to his Range Rover, which sticks out like a sore thumb in the run-down apartment complex.

It isn’t lost on me as he holds my door open for me to slide inside that I’ve spent so much time trying to make him out to be a spoiled rich jerk in my head that I didn’t see who was right in front of me.

He’s the guy that has more money than anyone I’ve ever met and is about to be drafted to the MLB but spent the night watching a movie with me and my mom on an uncomfortable, springy old couch in an apartment that is the size of his kitchen and didn’t once make either of us feel like it wasn’t good enough for him. He treated my mom with kindness and compassion.

“I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have shown up like that, Viv,” he says once he’s behind the wheel and we’re pulling out of the parking lot and onto the highway. “I shouldn’t have just assumed it was okay.”

“No, no, it was okay,” I reassure him. My eyes follow the slope of his cheekbones, to the scruff along his jaw, down to the thick column of his throat as he drives. Emotion feels thick in my throat as I go to speak. “You know… it’s been a really, really long time since I’ve seen my mom the way she was tonight.”

“That’s great, Viv. How so?” he asks, dragging his gaze to mine.

I hold it for a moment, unsure of what to say next but feeling the urge to open up to him. To tell him what the last few months—years, really—of my life have been like.

He’s a safe space to land, something I’ve not had since losing my dad.

“My mom… I-… I think... she’s sick, Reese,” I finally say. My throat feels tight, almost as much as my chest. “She’s undiagnosed, and I’m pretty sure it’s depression but I’m not a doctor so what do I know? It’s been like this since my dad died. It’s just gotten worse since I left for college. She refuses to see a doctor. Claims she’s fine.”

Tears sting my eyes, and I pause, sucking in a breath to calm the storm brewing inside of me.

“Viv, baby, you don’t have to—” he starts, but I shake my head.

“No, I want to. I need to tell someone… I need to tell you.”

Nodding, he reaches out, lacing his fingers in mine and squeezing reassuringly. A small gesture, yet it feels powerful at this moment. The comfort that I’m craving but not used to asking for.

“When my dad passed away, I was halfway through my junior year of high school, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. Not just losing my best friend but… the aftermath. Everything changed. My entire life changed in the blink of an eye. All because a drunk driver hit him head-on.”

“Shit, Viv,” Reese curses, remorse heavy in his voice. “I’m so, so fucking sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I start but then stop, dragging my gaze from him out to the passing tree line, biting my lips. “Actually, it’s not okay. That’s a lie, and I’m so tired of lying, Reese. My dad died, and my mom is so depressed that she can’t hold a job or even get out of bed some days, and sometimes, the weight on my shoulders feels like too fucking much to even breathe.” My words come out in a rush, and I just keep going like I’m not on the verge of tears. “And I’m lying to everyone that I love about what’s happening because I can’t bear the thought of burdening them with my shit. I’m so tired of feeling alone, even though I’m the reason that I’m that way because I keep it all to myself. I’m overwhelmed, and everything feels so out of control. I’m trying to take care of my mom, hoping that things will somehow get better, and most days, I feel like I can’t even take care of myself. I feel like a wreck. Like everyone is living their lives around me, the college dream, and I’m just pretendi—” I stop abruptly, sucking in a shaky breath, wiping at my eyes, trying to get ahold of my emotions after dumping all of that on him because I couldn’t stop it. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. Silence fills the cab, and even though I just put everything out on the table, vulnerable and raw, I feel… lighter. For finally being able to speak it out loud to someone and not feel so alone with my thoughts.

Reese pulls the Range Rover off the highway onto a dark, quiet road and then cuts the engine. Before I can ask him what he’s doing, he reaches over and unbuckles my seat belt, then drags me over the center console and places me in his lap. His hands cradle my face as he looks into my eyes, his own so dark and stormy, full of an emotion I can’t quite place.

“You are not fucking alone, Viv. Do you hear me? Not anymore,” he says in a breath against my lips, holding my gaze. “We’re roommates, we’re whatever. But at the end of the day, we’re friends, and I care about you way fucking more than I’m supposed to. You are never going to be alone again.”

The tears that have threatened to spill fall from my eyes onto my cheeks, and he reaches up, brushing them away with his thumbs.

“I see you, Vivienne. I see you trying to hide yourself from me, from all of our friends. But I’m going to be here, even when you push me away. Even when you hate me for how annoying I am, for threatening those walls you’ve put up. I’m not going anywhere, baby. Even if all you need from me is to be your punching bag. You are not alone.”

I nod, burying my face in his neck and whispering, “Okay.”

I don’t even really know what that means for us, but I’m not questioning it. I don’t want to right now. Because I need his comfort.

“It wasn’t… it wasn’t this bad until recently. Until I left for school,” I say, shaking my head. “I don’t think either one of us realized just how much she relied on me before then. And I feel so fucking guilty, Reese. For leaving her. But she doesn’t want to hold me back. And if I don’t get my degree and get a job, then how do I take care of her? Because what if… she never gets better? What if she can’t ever find a job again and it’s up to me?” I’m sobbing now, full-on, fat tears, hiccups, probably snot, probably soaking his shirt, but I don’t even care.

Reese gently lifts my head and wipes the tears away, just patiently listening to me get it all off my chest, and it’s more than I could ever ask for right now.

“I just want my mom to get better and to not have to worry all the time. That’s all I want.” I sag against his chest as his arms snake around me, clutching me tightly to him. “I just want to be a normal college girl, Reese. As fucked-up and selfish as that sounds. Because I can’t even imagine how hard this is for her too.”

“It’s not selfish, baby. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to want to be able to live your life too,” he says against my hair.

I’ll probably regret this later, but for now, I want to stay right here and pretend that somehow, when I wake up tomorrow, all of these problems will magically be gone.

“That’s why I had to move in with you, you know. I had to use my savings to cover rent because she lost her job again. She was getting evicted, and if I didn’t use the money I’d saved for my dorm fees, she would’ve lost the apartment.”

He curses, his chest vibrating beneath my ear as I listen to the sound of his heartbeat, a steady, comforting rhythm that somehow helps me feel calmer. I count each beat, one by one, until my tears have dried and I’m feeling more in control of the rampant emotions inside of me.

I guess that’s what happens when you spend so long bottling all of them up. They explode out of you in a rush, desperate to break free from the confines of their captor.

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