Page 105 of Catching Feeling

I nod. She looks exhausted, and she needs sleep to heal her body. It’s been an exhausting day for us all emotionally, and with all her injuries, I can’t even imagine how drained she must be feeling. I help her lie back down and arrange her pillow and blanket around her so she’s as comfortable as possible.

“Baby, when you’re ready, I think you should go out into the waiting room for a minute. There are some people here who’d like to see you. I can stay here with your mom,” Reese says once I’m done tucking Mom in.

This man is so sweet, so thoughtful and wonderful, I can’t even believe that he’s mine. I press my lips against Mama’s uninjured cheek. “I love you, Mama. I’ll be right back.”

“Take your time, sweetheart. I think… I’m in good hands,” she says groggily, already drifting off to sleep.

When I flick my eyes to Reese and see him grinning shyly, my heart skips in my chest.

“I think we both are, Mama.”

WALKING out to the waiting room, I’m not sure what I was expecting. My emotions and adrenaline are still so high that I haven’t had the mental capacity or time to think about anything other than getting to my mom and making sure she was okay.

So when I turn the corner and see all of our friends huddled up together on uncomfortable plastic chairs, my jaw falls open, and fresh tears well in my already red and puffy eyes. Grant, Eli, Lane, and Hallie are all here.

For me.

Without me asking for support or telling them anything about what I’ve been struggling with, they showed up for me.

Hallie lifts her head and sees me, then shoots off the chair and barrels towards me in a blur of curly hair. “Viv, oh my god!” She collides with me so hard that I almost fall over, her small arms wrapping around my body as she buries her face in my neck, squeezing me to her. “I was so worried. I’ve been going crazy. Is your mom okay?”

I nod and circle her body, hugging her back tightly. I’ve been keeping so much from her I feel like I don’t deserve her kindness. Her love. “She’s okay. She’s pretty banged up and has a broken collarbone and wrist, but she’s physically okay. Thank you so much for coming… I… I need to tell you so much. Can we talk for a minute?”

She pulls back, brushing her springy black curls off her face, and nods with an understanding smile. “Of course.”

We move to the chairs beside us and sit. I can feel Lane’s, Eli’s, and Grant’s gazes on us, so I peek around Hallie and give the guys a small smile as they sit down a few rows away, giving us privacy to talk. They quickly pretend they’re looking around at anyone but us, and I roll my eyes. It’s cute.

I capture Hallie’s hand and squeeze as I turn to look at her deep in the eyes.

“My mom has been going through a really rough time. She hasn’t… been like herself for a long time, and I’ve been hiding it from… everyone. She can barely take care of herself most days, but she hasn’t wanted to get help. I’ve been doing everything I can to look after her, and I left the dorm because I needed to use the money I’d saved to pay for her rent when she lost her job. Most days, it’s hard for her to even get out of bed, but today… she tried to drive for the first time since my dad died. She had a panic attack behind the wheel and was in a car accident. Thank god she’s okay and didn’t hurt anyone because it could have been so much worse…” Hallie’s eyes widen with shock and concern as she waits for me to continue. “I’m so sorry, Hal. I should have confided in you sooner. I know that’s not enough, but I need you to know how sorry I am for keeping this from you. That’s not what best friends do, and I did it with the purest intentions. It’s not an excuse, but I’ve just been struggling so much with everything. I didn’t want to burden you or drag you down with all of the heaviness in my life. So I’ve just kept it all in. I’m so, so sorry.”

Her eyes fill with tears, and she drops my hand, leaning forward to throw her arms around my neck again and pull me into another one of her bear hugs. “Oh god, Viv. I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through all of that. I knew things had been different with your mom since the accident, but I had no idea it was… like that. That has to be so hard for you both. I… just wish I would’ve known. I wish I could’ve been there for you. I want to be there for you.”

“I know, and I shouldn’t have kept it from you. It’s… just hard for me, Hal. To put my shit out like this. I wish I could be more like you in that aspect, so willing to open up and let the people you love in. It’s my favorite thing about you. It’s just not as easy for me, especially since my dad died. I know it probably hurts that I wasn’t honest with you, and I’m really sorry. I did have every intention of telling you what was going on eventually. At first, I held back because I thought my mom would get better, and then things started getting worse this year. And I just didn’t want to bring you down from your love high.”

Some more weight lifts from my shoulders now that she knows, another affirmation that I should have just told her things were getting worse a long time ago.

She pulls back, holding my arms in hers as she shakes her head at me. “Viv, you are my best friend, and I love you. Nothing you ever go through will be too heavy for me, okay? This is what friends do for each other. We hold each other when it’s hard. Real friends don’t think your challenges are too much. You’re never too much.”

Hearing her say all this, reassuring me, hits me directly in the chest, and a sob bubbles over, spilling from my lips. I needed this. I needed my best friend, even if I don’t think I deserve her forgiveness right now. I needed to hear that things would be okay between us.

“Thank you, Hal. And I’m sorry for not letting you in. I want to say it a billion times because it doesn’t feel like enough.” I pause, swiping away at a tear before continuing. “My mom… she’s just been struggling for so long, and I’ve been so busy trying to keep both of our heads above water. But what happened today… it just opened her eyes and mine. She wants to get some professional help. Grief therapy or maybe a treatment center that specializes in grief and depression. I think things are finally going to be better. For real this time.”

“That’s amazing, Viv. I’m so happy to hear it. And I want you to know you can always come to me. No matter what. Please don’t ever feel like you have to keep things from me because I can’t handle it. I’m strong. I can handle it. I’m sorry if I’ve seemed distracted with Lane. You’re so important to me, and I want to be there for you. No matter what is going on in my life. Okay?”

I nod. “Never again. I promise. I can’t promise that I’m always not going to… retreat into myself because it’s what I’ve always done. It’s really the only way I know how to cope with all my thoughts and emotions, but I promise I’m making an effort to be better about it.”

She loops her arm into mine and drops her head on my shoulder as her thumb ghosts along my hand. “It’s me and you to the stars, Viv. We deal with it together. The happy, the sad, the fear, the pain. We have each other through it all. Because you’re my best friend.”

I rest my head on top of hers, soaking up her reassurance. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch the guys looking our way again, and my shoulder shakes with laughter, causing Hallie to sit up. “What?”

“The guys are dying down there. They want to come over so bad. I bet Lane is already getting separation anxiety. Should we put them out of their misery?”

Hallie giggles, nodding. “Yes. I swear they haven’t shut up since we got the call. Everyone’s been so worried about your mom… and you, Viv. We all love you.”

I never thought I’d see this moment. I’m surrounded by friends who love me and a boyfriend who… treats me like I’m precious. My mom is going to be seeking help. And I’m finally in a place where I feel like I can be honest with the people I love.

My heart feels full in a way it hasn’t for a long time. Since that moment in my junior year when everything was flipped upside down.

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