Page 9 of Catching Feeling

I’m drained. Completely exhausted from being home surrounded by a constant state of chaos, and with the current state of my life, it doesn’t appear that anything will be normal for a while.

I’m craving normal. Starving for my typical routine. Days filled with classes, and homework, and binge-watching reruns of Paranormal Caught on Camera with my best friend, Hallie. Recording episodes of our podcast Spaced Out, diving into the unknown mysteries of the world. Nights spent at my tiny desk in my even tinier dorm, bent over my laptop, pouring my heart and soul into a fictional world that I sometimes wish I could just disappear into.

I miss the comfort and familiarity of my everyday life at Orleans U.

Except, even there, things have changed. After several months of him being her spicy tutor and her freaking out about if their relationship was real or not at the end of first semester, Hallie finally admitted her feelings for Lane, who just so happens to be our friend Eli’s older brother, after being in love with him for practically forever. Fortunately, Lane is just as obsessed with her as she is him, and now the two are officially a couple and so in love that it’s sickening. Seriously, my stomach feels like I ate an entire pound of SweeTarts all by myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so geekily happy for her. She’s my best friend in the entire world with the purest heart of anyone you’ll ever meet. She deserves the entire universe and more, and even though I wasn’t one hundred percent sold on Lane at the beginning, now I know that he’ll take care of Hallie in a way that only he can. And I mean… even Eli has a serious girlfriend now, Ari. I think she’s awesome too.

Which leaves me… single as a pringle.

I’m fine with that. It’s just… so much change. My head feels like everything is spinning at a hundred miles an hour, and I’m stuck holding on for dear life.

Especially since I found out three days ago that my mother lost her job. Again. That’s not the surprising part.

Not when it has happened no less than five times this year alone.

The part that completely pulled the rug out from under me is that my mom wouldn’t have even mentioned that she lost her job except I got home from the grocery store the day after Christmas to discover a bright-red stamped eviction notice pinned to the front door. Which means every single dime I’ve been saving for this semester’s dorm fees?

Poof. Up like smoke right in front of my eyes.

It’s going to have to go to Mama’s landlord so she won’t be evicted. And now that she’s out of work again, I’m going to need to cover her rent until she’s employed again.

I have no clue what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go when I’m back on campus. Thank god my tuition is covered by my scholarship, but my housing and cost of living? Yeah, that’s all on me.

Sighing, I pull my knees to my chest and rest my chin on top, squeezing my eyes shut.

Most college freshmen only have to worry about their grades, which sorority is throwing the next mixer, where the best alcohol is being served, who their next hookup is going to be.

I wish my life were that easy. I wish those were the only things that I had to worry about, but I don’t have that luxury, and most of the time, I accept it for what it is. Except in moments like these where sometimes the weight feels too heavy and my shoulders feel like they’ll crumble from the pressure.

“Viv?”

My gaze snaps to my mom, who’s standing in the entryway to the living room, wrapped up in a thick dark green cardigan that hangs on her small frame, her eyes puffy and her hair knotted and greasy from days without washing it. She’s a ghost of the woman she used to be. It’s like when my dad died, he took so much of her with him.

“What’s wrong, Mama?” I’m already rising from the couch, depositing my favorite blanket onto the worn cushion, and making my way over to her. The entire time I’ve been home for Christmas, I’ve been trying to get the apartment clean and back under control, all while taking care of her. Trying to get her to bathe daily, eat at least one meal, take her vitamins as she should.

She sniffles as she attempts to tug her lips up into a semblance of a smile. “I just wanted to tell you… thank you. I’m sorry things are like this, sweetheart. I want to be better, I do. I just… Nothing feels right anymore. I don’t feel like me, and I miss your dad so much.”

Before she can say anything else, I pull her into my arms and hug her tightly to me as I murmur, “It’s okay, Mama. How about we brush your hair? Get you some fresh pajamas? I bet that’ll make you feel better.”

She nods against my shoulder, so I pull back and paste on a bright smile, even though it’s the last thing I feel right now.

I hate seeing her this way. I hate being the parent when I’m supposed to be the child. But this is my reality now.

“Go ahead to your room, and I’ll be just a second,” I tell her as my phone pings for the third time on the couch.

Once she disappears back through her bedroom door, I pick up my phone from the arm and unlock it, opening the string of messages Hallie sent.

Hallie: Okay, so let’s ignore the fact that it’s at your least favorite person’s house, buuuut tomorrow is NYE Viv and you have to ring in the New Year with your best friend!

Hallie: The party is at Reese’s parents’ cabin, but it’s going to be soooo much fun and I promise to keep at least a six foot distance between you two at all times. Pinky swear.

Hallie: If you don’t answer me in the next thirty seconds I’m going to FaceTime you and not let you off until you say yes. ??????

Laughing, I roll my eyes just as my phone begins to vibrate in my hand with an incoming FaceTime. I swipe across the screen and answer.

A second later, Hallie’s dark, curly hair comes into view, pulled back with a neon green headband decorated with tiny purple alien heads. Her unique, quirky style is something I’ve always loved about her, how she has no problem with her self-expression.

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