Page 103 of Catching Feeling

I nod, untangling myself from Reese, only for him to grab my hand tightly in his, keeping me close as we stand from the floor.

Quiet strength. That’s what he gives me in the times that I need it most.

“Your mom is awake and asking for you.” She smiles.

“Thank you,” I reply. I try to prepare myself as we walk to her room, knowing that seeing her in that bed again is going to upset me all over again, and I hope I can handle it better this time. I don’t want my emotions to bleed out onto her right now.

I use the walk back to her room to try and mentally calm myself. When we get to the doorway, Reese turns me to him, his large hands cradling my face as he peers down at me. “You need this time with your mom, Viv. I’ll be right here waiting outside. Even if it’s hours, just take your time. Okay? I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

I nod, lifting slightly to press my lips to his. “I love you too.” I don’t think I deserve him, but I want to keep him anyway.

I want to do the selfish thing for once and keep him all to myself, even if I’m not worthy of it.

Pushing the door open, I step inside and shut it quietly.

Mom turns her head toward me, our gazes connecting from across the room. We’re both quiet for a moment, just taking each other in. I see the very same love, fear, hurt, frustration… and pain in her eyes that I feel right now.

“Mama,” I sob as I cross the room and sit on the edge of her bed, gingerly dropping my head to her non-slinged shoulder. “I’m so glad you are okay. I was so s-scared. I thought I was going to lose you. I tho?—”

“I know, baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Vivienne,” she cries, her eyes watery as she links her uninjured arm around mine, holding me against her. I’m so grateful to have the comfort of her touch, but I’m afraid to even breathe too hard, that it might hurt her already battered body.

“No, I’m sorry. This is my fault. I never should have left you. You needed me. I should have st?—”

“Vivienne, stop,” she says firmly, turning her head more toward me. I lift my gaze to hers, and she shakes her head. “You do not need to apologize to me. You did nothing wrong by living your life, sweetheart. That’s all that I want for you.”

She brings her hand down to capture mine in hers, squeezing it gently. “All I have ever wanted for you was to see you spread those beautiful wings and fly. You’ve always been my darling angel baby girl with so much imagination and excitement for life. Even as a little girl, you were so vibrant… so determined. Your father and I were always so amazed by everything you did…and you certainly kept us on our toes. We knew even then that you would be someone so special, Vivienne. And I’m not just saying that because I’m your mother. You were always meant to do great things.” Her eyes flutter shut as she continues, a lone tear dripping down her cheek. “And I know I’ve been holding you back from doing those things.”

“Mama, no, I?—”

She shakes her head again, linking our fingers together. “I need to say this, Viv. Please let me. It’s been a long time coming.” More tears drip down her bruised, cut-up cheeks, and I wish with all my heart that I could take them all away.

My heart feels like it’s been ripped from my chest and stomped on, but I stay quiet and listen.

Her chest stutters as she sucks in a deep breath. “I’ve been lost. For a very long time. Since losing… your dad. A piece of me went with him, Vivienne. And I can’t seem to bring myself back. It feels like I’m split in two sometimes, with only one side of me still here. It feels like the best, most important part of me is gone… and what’s left is sad, broken, and empty. The pain of losing him has consumed me. I know that, but it was never a choice to be like this… to feel like this. I want with all my heart to feel better. To feel like myself again. But… I don’t think I can do that on my own anymore. I’ve tried to be strong, to not be this way… I’ve tried so hard to do that. Not just for me, but for you.”

I can’t stop the painful noise that sounds from the back of my throat, even when I bring my hand to my mouth and cover it.

“I think I’ve been lying about my feelings for a while. Telling myself I could just will myself to feel better with my mind. I’ve had a few good days lately. And this week, I had several in a row. It felt like so much progress, that I thought I could do something on my own, do something I haven’t been able to. That’s how I ended up here. I told myself that I was ready to try driving again. I was just going to drive the short mile to the grocery store, pick up a few things. I made it down the street, but as soon as I turned on the main road and saw other cars, I had a panic attack behind the wheel. I think I blacked out for a minute because they told me I swerved off the road and crashed into a tree.”

Oh my god. I knew it was not going to be easy to hear her talk about it, but knowing how badly this could have gone…

“I could have killed someone, Viv,” she cries. “Or myself. And I would never be able to live with that. Something way worse could have happened. I’m lucky that I was able to walk away relatively unscathed, with just a break and some cuts and bruises. That could have been completely different.”

I nod. “I was so scared when I got the phone call, Mom. So scared.”

She sighs as she swipes her thumb along my skin in a soothing motion.

“I’m sorry that I’ve been struggling so much. And that I’ve not been honest with you… or myself… about how bad it’s been lately, Vivienne. I just… didn’t want to burden you any further than I already was. I know it’s caused you so much trouble with helping me, especially since you’ve gone to school. I don’t think I realized how much you were holding us both together until then. But I never wanted to interfere with your life, and yet it seems like now I always am. I’m your mom—I should be taking care of you, sweetheart.”

“Please don’t apologize for any of that. And you’re not a burden. You’re my mom. I would do anything for you.” I swipe at the tears on my cheeks and lean back against her shoulder gently so as not to jostle her. I feel her fingers running through the strands of my hair soothingly, just like she did when I was younger. It brings a fresh wave of tears because it reminds me how much I’ve missed having her act like my mom. She’s been here physically, but I miss what our relationship was like before my dad passed away. I miss our movie nights and talking about boys and silly things until the sun came up. I miss reading books together, shopping, and doing all the things together because we were best friends. I miss laughing with her.

I miss the days when life was simpler for us, when things were easier.

“It’s okay to need help. And it’s okay to ask for it. I’m learning that every day. It’s hard to lean on the people that I love for support when I feel weak. But I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere, Mom. I want to be there to support you. You’re not alone, and we’ll find a way to get you what you need to get better,” I say sincerely. I’ve broached this subject with her before, but this time feels different. This time, she’s asking for the next step, so I will do whatever it takes to make it happen for her.

Silence hangs between us, heavy and thick, as we lie together side by side in her hospital bed before she speaks again. “We’ve learned the hard way that life is shorter than you think, and today taught me that again. I want my life back. I want to get better. I need to face this, and I need help to do it.”

Relief floods my chest as emotion tightens my throat. All I’ve ever wanted was for her to be happy and healthy. For her to start to live again. I hate that she had to have a big scare to be the push she needed, but all that matters is she wants the help. That she’s aware she needs it. That she wants to fight for herself again.

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