Page 101 of Catching Feeling

I tear free, panting, “Stop. I… I can’t handle this right now.”

“Okay, baby, I’m here,” he responds.

“No.” I shake my head stiffly. “You should leave. Go back to the beach. Go home. Enjoy your break. I’ve got this. Let me handle this, Reese. Like I always have.”

His jaw tenses, and he reaches for me, grasping air when I move back. “Viv, you don’t have to do this alone. Let me stay and be here for you.”

“No. No. I can’t. This… It’s t-too much. I can’t handle any of this right now! I need you to leave. I have to focus on my mom, and I need you to go,” I yell, my words a jumble as I speak because I’m just… spilling over.

“I’m not leaving you, Vivienne,” he says quietly, emotion flickering on his handsome face. He doesn’t try to reach for me again, but when I step back once more, he follows.

My chest tightens again, my breathing even more erratic, my nails cutting half-moons into my palms as I make tight fists at my side.

But I don’t register any of the pain.

“I should have known better. God, I knew better than to do this. I’m the reason my mother is lying in that hospital bed, hurt and broken,” I choke out. Hot tears coat my cheeks as I break down, determined to punish myself for what I’ve done. “There was never going to be a time where I was going to just live my life carefree and happy… not without consequences. That’s how things work for me. Everything will inevitably go wrong.”

When I pause, he tries to speak. “Vivi?—”

But I shake my head and cut him off, spewing everything inside of me because now I can’t stop. “This is my fault. It was irresponsible of me to want so much for myself. If I hadn’t gotten involved with you, this never would have happened. I knew better, but I was too fucking selfish to walk away. It’s my fault.”

I’m screaming at him in the middle of the hospital, my voice echoing around the waiting room, but I can’t stop the venom from coming out of my mouth. Part of me is aware that I’m self-sabotaging right now, but there’s nothing I do better than this. Hiding my real feelings. Pushing people away because it hurts too much to let them in, because it’s too hard to let them get close. It’s all I know how to do.

Defend. Deflect.

Reese is wrapped around my heart like thorny vines, embedded into my organs.

He’s a constant reminder that I will never be good for him. I’ll always be the girl who’s got issue after issue, heavy shit that follows me. He doesn’t deserve that. And… I can’t handle needing someone as desperately as I need him. It terrifies me to need anyone.

“Leave. You’re just making this harder. God, I can’t do this. I can’t need you this way because my mom needs me. You’re a distraction, Reese. Please, just go.” I brush away my tears and wipe my nose on the back of my wrist.

I’m such a mess.

His stormy eyes flare with emotion. “Viv, don’t do this. Let me be here for you so you can be there for her. Lean on me. I’ll do whatever you want, whatever you ask of me, but please just don’t ask me to leave. I can’t leave you. I won’t fucking leave you.”

I shake my head vehemently. “You don’t know what this is, Reese. A real life p-problem. You don’t know anything about those in your privileged little bubble.”

I’m sobbing again, my trembling legs giving out, unable to hold my weight any longer, and I collapse to the floor, only for him to catch me at the last moment. His strong arms circle my body and hold me tightly against his broad chest, invading my space while I fight him, tearing at his shirt like a wild animal who’s avoiding capture.

“Stop. Stop. Stop,” I sob. “I should have been here with her. It’s all m-my fault. If I was here, i-t wouldn’t have happened. I should have been here to take care of her. I never should have left h–h-her.”

My heart physically aches, and my sobs grow louder as my body shakes. He holds me tighter, so tight that I can hardly breathe. His lips are pressed against my head as I sob.

“It hurts, Reese, it hurts so bad. I was s-supposed to take care of her, and I failed. I failed her.”

Giving in to my desperate need for his comfort, I sag against his chest, snot and tears soaking the fabric of his shirt as I cling to him. “I left her. And Dad left me. And it’s all just t-oo-o much. I’m so scared to lose her. To be alone.”

The painful, triggering memory of losing him in this very hospital feels like too much to bear. The heaviness is crippling, and my shoulders sag with it.

“It’s too heavy, I can’t… I can’t hold it all anymore,” I whisper dejectedly against his chest.

Reese tips my chin to him and holds it firmly between his fingers as he speaks, his eyes holding mine intensely with so much affection that I’m almost overcome with it. “I told you before, I’m not fucking leaving you, Viv. Not now, not fucking ever. Do you hear what I’m saying? I’m. Not. Leaving. Because I fucking love you. Do you understand that? I love you.” He pauses, his eyes burning into mine.

“And this is what you do when you love someone. You stay. You show up for them.” He leans in closer, still holding my gaze. “I will be here to hold the weight when it’s too much. I’ll be your strength when you have none left. I’ll hold you, and I’ll take all the shit you wanna give me. I’ll be whatever you need as long as I’m with you. Let me love you, Viv. Let me be the one to take care of you and to be there for you so you’re never alone. I love you so fucking much that I can hardly breathe sometimes. I just need you to let me love you.”

His declaration only makes me cry harder, gut-wrenching sobs that I feel in the depths of my soul. It’s as if everything from the last few months comes pouring out in a torrential wave of

pent-up emotion. A wave that I can’t stop once it’s started, one that I hope doesn’t drown us.

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