Page 69 of How Much For a Life of Lies?

“Did he wake you up?” I asked.

Jax grinned down, not at all fazed by Charlie waking. “He’s been fussy tonight,” he explained, stroking Charlie’s cheek. “Teething again.”

My heart clenched at the sight of my son, so small and vulnerable in the arms of his uncle, who was really his dad when it mattered. “Thanks for being his dad, Jax,” I said quietly, gratitude and love swelling within me.

“He’s my family,” Jax replied, his voice warm with affection. “My son…” He trailed off and glanced at me. “How does that make you feel when I say that?”

“You’re not saying it to hurt me,” I offered. “Biologically, I’m his dad, but when you say you’re his dad, it makes me feel content, warm even.” I rubbed my chest and offered him a smile. “I want him happy, steady, with a family, with your daughters.” We sat silently for a moment, and then I knew I had to ask the question I’d been trying to avoid. What Jax thought of me mattered.

“Hey, Jax,” I began, my voice tinged with uncertainty. “Can I ask you something?”

Jax glanced up at me from where he’d been staring down at Charlie, his expression curious but welcoming.

“What’s on your mind?”

I hesitated, unsure how to articulate the emotions swirling inside me. “Do you… Jesus, why is this so hard?” I took a deep breath and exhaled. “Do you think less of me for wanting Charlie to be with you?”

Jax’s eyes softened with understanding; his focus fixed on me as he considered my question.

“How could I ever think less of you for giving Arlo and me such an incredible gift?”

His words struck a chord, stirring up memories and emotions I had long buried. “I guess I just worry. I never contacted you even though I knew where you were, and you must hate that,” I admitted in a whisper. “I want what’s best for Charlie, but… I don’t want to lose him like I lost you.”

“Charlie will always be a part of our family, no matter what. Family isn’t just about blood—it’s about love, and you’ve given him more love than he could ever need by putting his needs first. You’ll always be his daddy.”

“I can be daddy two.” I held up two fingers in case he didn’t understand I meant the number two. “You can be daddy. Arlo is Papa. And Kai? Well, he can be the fun uncle that… shit, I’m rambling.”

“Rambling is good. Can I say something?”

“Sure.”

“I know youweren't lucky enough to be adopted, and I hate that, but family is in the heart.”

Gratitude swelled in my chest, pushing aside the guilt. “Is it selfish that I needed to hear that?” Despite my confidence in high-stakes situations, the responsibilities of fatherhood felt overwhelming. I questioned whether I had the emotional capacity and parenting skills to give my son the care and attention he deserved, especially with the demands of my career. My son’s happiness and future were paramount and when being with Jax could offer him a better life, free from the uncertainties and dangers of my profession, then it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Did that make me selfish?

“Nah,” he whispered, his voice tinged with emotion.

“Stability, consistency, and all the love you can give him is better than what I could offer.”

“You say that, but no one is born to be a dad. We learn on the fly.”

That all sounded wonderful, but I put others’ safety before mine, until maybe one day I wouldn’t. I just didn’t know when that day would happen, and Charlie deserved more. “I know a lot of things about me, and I know that Charlie is safe and happy with you.”

We sat in silence again, and I relaxed a little more.

“Can I tell you something?” he asked.

“Always.”

“I get scared.”

I stiffened at the admission. “I won’t let anything hurt him or your family.”

He smiled at me in that super-affectionate way he had. “I don’t mean that. I’m scared that one day you’ll want him back and…” He stopped and then kissed the top of Charlie’s head. “It would kill me.”

I was confused. “The legal documentation makes you his father, Jax. No questions.”

“I know, but…”

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