Page 17 of Shielding Soledad

Nope, can’t go there. I yanked my thoughts back as I reached for my laptop and forced my concentration to my blog. There were some new comments on my recent reviews, along with an offer from an advertiser who wanted to place a commercial on my site and pay me for the clicks it received. That was good, and the site already raised revenue in similar ways. It could be a good secondary income stream. Bookkeeping for Mandy and Carolyn was great, but I’d need more customers if I wanted to be able to afford rent on my own place, not to mention childcare during the day when I was working. It hadn’t been an issue so far with Alex around to pitch in, but I couldn’t let myself get too used to that. I was going to have to figure out how to do the single parent thing.

I knew Alex would be there financially even if he was deployed. He had far too much integrity and honor not to help support his son, but money didn’t solve every problem. The help and support that he’d given me since the day Luke was born was invaluable. But somehow, I’d have to learn how to do without it. Independence was important. That was what my mother had taught me. I guessed that if the women in my family were going to be cursed, they’d better be self-sufficient.

I responded to the latest comments before turning my attention to childcare next. Given the size of Springwell, there weren’t a ton of options when it came to day care, but I found two women who watched children in their homes and claimed to offer flexible hours. I sent preliminary inquiries to both—along with emails to Carolyn and Mandy. Lily was a stay-at-home mom, but Carolyn and Mandy both worked full time. Maybe they’d have some childcare recommendations. With that done, I closed my laptop.

“There,” I murmured. “One step closer to being independent again.”

I cringed inside despite my words. I didn’t like the idea of leaving my baby with a stranger. What if Luke cried for me? What if he got sick? A thousand scenarios flashed through my mind in which Luke needed me to keep him safe.

I had to stop that train of thought. Other women worked full time and found childcare for their babies. It didn’t make me a bad mom. Some might even say it was what would be best for Luke. He’d be able to be around other kids—would learn some socialization skills and build up his immune system. It would be good for him, and good for me to know that I’d be able to balance everything even after Alex left. After all, he wasn’t going to be around forever, and I couldn’t depend on his hospitality either.

And I was going to have to resist my feelings for Alex. That was the hardest part. I loved him. I couldn’t help it, and with Luke, I felt such a connection to him that it was a constant tug on my heart. The low-simmering anger and tension I’d maintained after our kiss helped me to build a dam to contain my emotions, but it wouldn’t hold. I could stick my finger in the dike as much as I wanted. Water always won, and my attachment to him poured out, threatening to drown me. For my own sake I had to rise to the surface and keep swimming.

And that meant moving on with my life.

I kept busy with baby laundry and writing belated thank-you notes for gifts until I heard his truck door close in the driveway. He entered through the front door, juggling bags in his hands as he rearmed the security system. One bag caught my eye. It was a pink-striped one I recognized from Liberté Patisserie. The French bakery downtown created our favorite treats, ones I hadn’t allowed myself for months because of the cost.

Alex never voluntarily went there, because he hated trying to pronounce the names of the pastries. During our relationship, he’d refused to walk in the door of the bakery, much less order something.

“Is that…?” I nodded to the bag.

“It is.” He held it up and grinned at me. My resolve to resist him, to move on with my life, took a hit. He’d braved saying pain au chocolat or religieuse for me. That was an expression of his feelings toward me, wasn’t it? And I could almost taste the delicate, buttery pastry and rich, dark chocolate of the pain au chocolat and the hazelnut-and-chocolate cream of the religieuse. They were so delicious.

He left the other items he brought in at the door and came toward me with the pink bag. He held it up, swinging it back and forth as if taunting me with it. I reached for it, but he yanked it back, still grinning, before relenting and placing it in my hands.

“Thanks,” I said when he gave it to me. “That was really sweet of you.” I peeked into the small box at the bottom of the bag and couldn’t help grinning. He hadn’t forgotten what I liked. My two favorites were nestled side by side. Heavenly.

“Just a simple thanks?” he asked, his grin disappearing. “I embarrassed myself trying to pronounce those tongue-twister names until the woman behind the counter took pity on me and let me point. I know they laughed at me after I left.” Alex was pretending to sound serious, but it was just an act, I could tell. “I think I deserve more than just a thanks.”

I guessed what he had in mind by the expression on his face. I knew it wasn’t a good idea…but I couldn’t deny that it was a tempting idea.

“I suppose you can have a kiss,” I said, recognizing that I was crossing into dangerous territory and doing it anyway. I told myself that I could control the moment, though, by kissing his cheek. That would be the smart thing to do. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling particularly smart when it came to him. I bit my lower lip in anticipation, noticing that his eyes tracked to my mouth.

Cheek only, I insisted to myself. And I meant to kiss him there, I really did, but when he turned his head, putting our lips in alignment, I didn’t hold back.

His kiss was soft and perfect, like a really great first-date kiss. But we were well past first-date status, and it felt so good, so right. He lifted his head, giving me the opportunity to back away. Nope. I moved closer and wrapped my arms around his shoulders before placing my hands on the back of his neck, liking the feel of his warm skin and short hair. He raised a questioning eyebrow at me, but everything about his body language was welcoming, making me angle closer to him.

I let a beat play out as he seemed to wait for my next move. And then I kissed him fully. My lips met his, and nothing else mattered. How had I thought I didn’t want this? How had I thought I’d be okay without it? Because I wouldn’t be.

He let me deepen the kiss. When my mouth opened to him and my tongue teased his, he responded, but he didn’t try to control it. He met me stroke for stroke, tasting and arousing. His hands were low on my waist, his fingers rubbing over my hipbones while he pulled us tighter together. I could have melted into him. I thought I was melting, becoming liquid desire, his mouth far more delectable than the pastries I’d been fantasizing about moments earlier.

My fingers were under the edge of his shirt when Luke cried from across the room. I stilled, willing the baby to go back to sleep, even as I knew he wouldn’t.

“He’s hungry,” I murmured against Alex’s lips. I rested my forehead against his for a second, not wanting this moment of intimacy to end. But the cries grew louder, more demanding, until I admitted defeat and stepped away from Alex so that I could go to our son.

Luke quieted as soon as I picked him up. His bright blue eyes stared at me. What did he see? His mom with a blush on her cheeks and kiss-swollen lips? Alex came up behind me, slipping one arm around me and another around Luke. The three of us stood together in the perfect family image. I’d been delusional earlier, trying to talk myself out of wanting this. I wanted this life with Alex, even if it was only for now.

That could be enough, couldn’t it? It could sustain me through the years ahead.

“I’ll change his diaper and take my time so you can eat one of those fancy-pants pastries.” He took Luke from me and blew raspberries on the baby’s belly to make him happy as they climbed the steps.

I reached for the discarded bag, selecting the pain au chocolat and biting into it. The pastry was delicious, just as I remembered. I closed my eyes to relish it, but all I could think of was the kiss. It had been twice as wonderful as any confection could be. If Luke hadn’t woken, where would it have gone?

I knew the answer to that. Straight to the bedroom. And I wasn’t going to apologize for that, not to Alex and not to myself.

When Alex returned with Luke, I fed him as Alex moved about the house, putting away the groceries he’d purchased and keeping busy with other tasks. He was anxious, pacing like a caged tiger. The hot, predatory look he gave me when he re-entered the living room said it all. He wanted me as much as I wanted him.

But there was a baby between us. No, not between. Our child had brought us back together. I looked down at Luke, who batted his thick eyelashes at me. He was definitely a heartbreaker in the making.

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