Page 78 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Huffing out a breath, he wrapped his arms around me. “I do, JJ. I just worry about you when Ava or I aren’t with you, so I got you this. Please take it.”

I snorted. “I’m walking across the playing fields in broad daylight. I think I’ll be fine.” I released him and squeezed his shoulders. “Thanks for caring, Mal.” I planted a chaste kiss on his cheek, took the pepper spray from his proffered hand, and walked away, waving over my shoulder.

The frigid air slapped me in the face when I stepped out of our building. It felt like I got ice burns on my cheeks. “Shit!” I muttered, pulling my beanie down and my scarf up to cover my nose. It looked like I was wearing a multi-colored ski mask. I cast my eyes over the parking lot and down the sidewalks out of habit at this point. I’d felt eyes on me a lot over the last two months, and while it didn’t feel sinister—like they were gonna jump out and stab me in the back—it made me uncomfortable and jumpy all the same. I had my suspicion that it was Dillon stalking me from the shadows, but as I hadn’t spoken to him since I came all over his face at the beginning of the week, I wouldn’t know for sure unless I caught him. And one thing Dillon was good at was lurking in the shadows.

I could still picture his flushed face covered in my cum, cracked and shattered before me when I left him in that room. I couldn’t forget the way he slammed me up against the door, or the way I lost myself in the electric feel of his hands on me. The way our bodies gravitated to each other was otherworldly and so addictive. I craved him more than my next breath. But every time I think I’ve gotten past our issues, something happens to send me spiraling down that black hole again, and I end up spending the next few days trying to pull myself out of it. Every time leaves more cuts and scars on my heart, and I don’t think I can take it anymore.

As I walked, I noticed posters for the Winter Gala stapled on every available surface. The buzz about it was palpable, but it had nothing on the fashion department’s annual showcase. Levi said the theme for the year was Winter Wonderland and would contain formal and casual outfits. I still couldn’t believe I was doing this, especially since I didn’t know what it entailed. Ava said all I had to do was look pretty and smile, but Levi quickly shut her down. He reminded her that it was far more complicated than that, and that I should ask her about the time she tried to walk freshman year. Safe to say, that conversion ended abruptly.

The wind whipped through the deserted quad as I crossed it, and I debated whether I had time to stop at Bean There, but the reminder of the envelope in my pocket made my mind up for me. I checked my watch and glanced around to make sure no one was looking too closely at me. Feeling confident I wasn’t being followed, I stepped up under the overhang of the library and pulled out the offending item.

My heart pounded in my chest as the cold air burned my lungs, tremors racking down my arms.I know I should have just put it in the box in my closet and ignored it, but it felt thicker than the others I’d received, making alarm bells ring in my head. With one final look around, I slipped my finger under the lip and upended the contents into the palm of my hand. I stared at it, the images not registering in my head.

“Oh holy shit.” I gasped. My free hand covered my mouth as bile scorched the back of my throat. “What the…” I shook my head and flipped through the images, each one worse than the one before. If Dillon saw these, he’d lose his shit. He’s not out—in any capacity I know of—and this could ruin him. My heart turned to lead and plummeted through my gut, and the backs of my eyes burned with such intensity that the world around me blurred and darkened. I sucked in a sharp breath, wincing at the pain as my legs gave out and I crashed onto the ice-cold cement.

“Who would do this? Why? Why?” A whimper worked its way up my throat as I looked at the photos again. They were taken from different places and nausea rolled through me at the thought of multiple people stalking me around campus. The hair on my neck stood on end, and blood filled my mouth as I chewed the inside of my cheek.

Fifteen photos of me and Dillon. Him chasing me into the building, arm outstretched. Him pinning me against the door in the empty classroom. Him on his knees, staring up at me. Me fucking his face with my head thrown back, mouth parted as I yelled. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” My bottom lip trembled as I shoved them all back in my bag and hauled myself up.

Another wave of nausea hit me, and I retched over the stair rail into the evergreen bushes. “F-f-uck.” I flushed hot and cold as my breaths stuttered in and out of my dry throat. I focused on my breathing, trying to slow my inhalation rate enough so I could actually get some oxygen into my lungs before I passed out.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, letting me know I only had ten minutes till I had to meet Levi at the exhibition center. How long had I been lost in a dazed heap on the ground? Too long, obviously. Today was meant to be a good day, one filled with positivity and fun—not a goddamn pile of shit. The skies seemed to have darkened along with my mood, and the cold feral wind whipped around me. I stuck my hand in my bag, grabbed a bottle of Mountain Dew, and downed a few mouthfuls, hoping the sugar would help calm me.

I closed my eyes and counted to twenty as the sugary goodness worked its way around me, then counted back down to zero and focused on locking the memory away. I put each photo into a black lace box, placed the lid on top, tied it with a silver lace bow, and dropped it in the black cave in my mind. Locking it away from my conscious thoughts helped lift the weight from my shoulders. Compartmentalizing my memories and body’s responses to certain stimuli was the only way I’d managed to survive. Was it healthy? Definitely not. But I couldn’t afford therapy, and I didn’t want one of Uncle Daire’s recommended colleagues doing it for fear of them reporting back to him. It was the best I could do.

The sports fields were frozen under foot, and the crisp crunch of the grass brought a smile to my face. It took me a moment to hear a second set of footsteps behind me. I screamed and reached into the front pocket of my bag, grabbing the pepper spray Mal gave me. I spun on my heel, held the bottle out in front of me, and said, “Don’t touch me, or I’ll spray.”

“Shit, Jamie. I come in peace.” I cracked my eyes open, not realizing I’d closed them, and took in the guy smiling back at me with his hands raised in the air. His dark blond hair was styled in the effortlessly messy just-got-out-of-bed look I could never achieve with my wild curls, and his bright blue eyes sparkled with mirth. But it was his disarming smile that got me to lower the pepper spray and sparked my recognition.

“Oh my god.” I scratched my itchy head as a bout of nervous energy hit. “I’m so, so sorry. I’m just a bit…”

“Jumpy?” he added.

“Yup.” I nodded and put the bottle back in my bag. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I can’t remember your name. I know we’ve met but, yeah. My mind’s blank.”

He snorted. “It’s alright. I’m kinda forgettable.”

“Shut up. You’re not, and you know it.” He smirked back at me and winked. Jesus.

“The name’s Taylor. Taylor Buchanan.” I cocked my head and waited for the words I could almost see on his lips. “I’m on the football team.”

Bingo. “Hell no.” I turned away from him and walked away. I didn’t want to deal with any of those assholes. Really? None?

“Jamie, please wait. Dillon doesn’t even know I’m here,” he huffed and jogged to catch up with me, which took all of zero seconds. “Please?” He reached for me, and I flinched.

I stopped so abruptly he almost crashed into me, making a chuckle slip through my lips. “Fine.”

“Really?”

“Sure, why not? It’s not like I’ve got anywhere important to be.” My words had far more bite than I intended. Taylor looked me up and down with confusion on his face.

“But you don’t play sports, so why would you be here?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m walking in the Winter Wonderland fashion show.” I shrugged. “I’m meant to be there for fittings and shown how to walk, because apparently, it’s not like normal walking… who knew?”

“Ha! Rather you than me.” Taylor licked his lips as a crease formed between his brows. “How about I walk you to the exhibition center and make sure you get there in one piece?”

“Uh, fine. Might as well.” I buried my hands in my pockets as it felt like my fingers might freeze off. I could feel Taylor’s gaze on me as I waited for him to say whatever he came here to tell me.

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