Page 51 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

“Yeah, I’m good. A bit…” I struggled to find the right words, so I went with a few. “Shocked and confused, really.”

Mal cocked his head and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, steering us in the direction of the doors to the parking lot. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I told Mal all about Corey as we made our way to his car and headed to the mall. Mal wanted to get some new clothes because he was tired of his current wardrobe, and the changing seasons were the perfect excuse to update it. Last night, we’d both gone through everything we had and bagged up any clothing that was suitable for donation.

It was nice to get off campus for a few hours, and I was looking forward to spending some quality time with Mal. Things had been so hectic recently, that we’d only seen each other in passing, and it kinda sucked. He was my best friend—along with Ava—but sometimes she was just too much for me, and I needed Mal’s calming energy to balance me.

Once we’d dropped off the bags at the thrift store, Mal dragged me to his favorite stores, and we spent hours trying on anything and everything that caught our eye. I got a few shirts that Mal told me I had to get, or he’d buy them for me. The sales assistant chuckled at our antics while she rang up our purchases before Mal dragged me off to a lingerie store that blew my mind. I was like a kid in a candy shop. There were so many items I fell in love with, but I somehow managed to wrangle myself under control and only got a couple pairs of lace and silk briefs, and a matching crop top and jock set that made me feel exquisite. I secretly hoped I’d be able to wear them for Dillon, but only time would tell.

“Ugh. I’m all shopped out,” Mal whined, bags dragging on the floor.

A laugh burst out of me, and Mal narrowed his eyes before sticking his tongue out at me. “How about we get some lunch?” That was how we found ourselves sitting at a booth in a vintage 80s mom-and-pop diner a short while later. Wendy, our server, came and took our orders and brought out our milkshakes. They were absolutely divine; thick, creamy, and full of flavor. I drank mine so fast I ended up with brain freeze, much to Mal’s amusement. But I was skilled at ignoring his ribbing.

While we drank, I flicked through my messages with Aunt Clara but focused on her update on Jessie and Zack. I snapped a couple of photos of where we’d gone for lunch and promised to call my little sunbeam when we got back to campus.

Eventually, Mal asked the question that had been on his mind all day. He might have thought I hadn’t noticed, but I’d caught him staring at me with a puzzled look on his face all day. He’d go to say something, then shake his head and walk away.

“Jamie?”

I smirked. “Finally worked out what you want to ask?”

He snickered. “You got that, did you?”

“Bit hard not to when you kept looking out like a fish out of water.”

Mal burst out laughing, spraying his mouthful of milkshake all over the table and me. “Oh my god. I’m sorry, JJ.”

“I’ll let you off if lunch is on you,” I joked.

“Of course, don’t be silly. That was…”

I rolled my eyes and looked at him. “That was a joke.”

“Maybe.” He shrugged. “But, regardless lunch is on me because?—”

“There’s something you want to know.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement. Mal tipped his drink toward me and nodded. I sighed and sat back against the bench seat. “Alright, shoot.”

“What’s the deal with you and Dillon Hargraves?”

I choked on the mouthful of mint chocolate chip shake, my eyes watering as I tried to swallow. Mal had to get up and smack me on the back as I hacked up my drink all over the table. “Straight to the point there,” I croaked and dabbed a napkin at my watering eyes.

“No point not to be.”

“I guess.” I glanced at my watch, refusing to look at my best friend. The weight of his unrelenting gaze pressed down on me. He had me cornered. I had no choice but to be subjected to his interrogation. “How long do we have?”

“As long as you need, JJ.” I tipped my head back, closed my eyes, and drummed my fingers as tension coiled inside me. “Look, I’m not pressuring you to tell me,” he said softly. “If you want to keep it to yourself, that’s your right. But I’m your friend, aren’t I?”

“Obviously! You know this.” My words came out more forcefully than I’d intended them to. I was frustrated, confused, and so goddamn lost when it came to Dillon. I loved him. Always had. But that wasn’t the issue. He blew hot and cold. When we were alone, he was more like the boy I used to know. But when we saw each other around campus, he was the arrogant, hateful, quarterback king who looked at me like I was nothing. It hurt, more than I cared to admit.

I was fucking everything up. Me and Dillon. Me and my friends. I was unintentionally keeping everyone at arm’s length while drowning in fear and anxiety. I know I should tell Mal everything, but if the worst was to happen and my dad materialized, I didn’t want him to get caught in the crossfire.

I was lost. It was like I was trying to climb up a glass wall and every time I made it a couple of feet closer to the top, I’d slide back down with all the broken pieces of my soul.

Mal gave a terse smile while twirling his straw around in his shake. “I do, but I also know there’s a lot of stuff you don’t tell me.” I eyed him with suspicion. “And if it’s ‘cause you don’t think you can trust me, that hurts. I’m not gonna lie.” I winced at his pained tone. “I’m a vault, JJ. You’re always there for me and Ava, so let us be there for you. Let me be here for you. Right here and now.”

He was offering me an olive branch, but was I brave enough to take it? “I do trust you, Mal.” I placed my hand over his where it rested on the table top and gave it a gentle squeeze. “It’s… it’s just complicated…”

“I’m good with complicated, you’ll see.” He shot me a winning smile. “Go on, talk.” He squeezed my hand back. I took a deep fortifying breath and steeled myself, choosing to be brave and open myself up. I told Mal our history from the day I met Dillon until today and everything else in between—minus a detailed description of the times when it had all turned to sex.

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