Page 47 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

My stomach growled, reminding me that I hadn’t eaten anything other than a protein shake after my early session in the gym. Rather than heading to the dorms to dump my shit, I changed direction to the cafeteria. I should be early enough to get a decent amount of food. The guys could chew me a new one when they came in. I just didn’t give a fuck.

The one thing you could rely on at Briar U was the outstanding array of food they made available to the athletes here. May was probably the only person on campus I wasn’t a raging asshole to, and she smiled at me as I dragged my tray along.

“Long time no see, Dillon. You doin’ alright?”

“Could be better, May.” She gave me a sad smile, understanding shining in her eyes. Her son had been on the hockey team when he matriculated here, so she knew how tough it could get for us, not just physically, but psychologically.

“What sounds good today?” I pointed out everything I wanted, loaded up two plates, and grabbed a water and Gatorade. After paying, I swept my gaze over the room and headed for the empty table in the back corner. All I wanted was some damn peace, away from prying eyes. I wanted to eat without every fucker coming to tell me how much they loved me or how shit they thought I played. I wanted to scream at them, “Trust me, I know I sucked. Every dick with a mouth told me the same. How about you join the team, and then you can tell me how shit I am.” But no, I was the one who had to lead by example as the captain. If the Ravens won, people loved us, but if we lost, everyone became a fucking critic.

“Fuck.” I growled and slumped onto my chair. I kicked my aching legs out under the table, and picked up a slice of pizza. I polished off the three slices and was about to start on my pasta when the one person I couldn’t get out of my head walked in. Jamie stole my breath whether he was in skinny jeans and an oversized hoodie, or skin-tight leather pants and a see-through mesh top like the other night.

When he was walking across the quad, arms linked with his friends, it was like the world faded away, and the only thing I could see was him. No one else existed. My feet had moved of their own volition, and before I knew it, I was striding towards him until Buchanan grabbed my arm and stopped me. I wanted to knock him the fuck out. I wanted to claim Jamie as mine right there and then. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. He was going to hate me when all this came out, but I’d hate myself more.

He was a drug, and this was one addiction I never wanted to be cured of.

Jamie was a walking wet dream and he had no goddamn clue. Girls, guys, and every asshole in between watched him, wanted him. My little crow broke hearts without even trying, but he was untouchable. I’d made sure of that. People could mess with him, but no one could touch him without finding themselves ostracized on campus, much like he was. It seemed everyone had got the memo. Everyone but Ava Barnes and Malachi Edmunds.

My eyes tracked his progress through the different stations. May lit up when he reached her, and it warmed my heart. Even after everything I’d put Jamie through, he still brought sunshine wherever he went. And I just kept digging my own grave deeper every day.

“Oh shit,” I muttered as I lifted the Gatorade to my lips and downed half the bottle, eyeing the fucking queen bee bitch strutting in like she was on a damn catwalk. Her gaze met mine and a malicious grin slashed across her face, turning my blood to ice. I clenched my jaw so hard I was amazed I didn’t crack a tooth. Unease slithered through me as Elise practically bounced through the line with a fully loaded tray, her gaggle of sycophants strolling behind her. They were like a pack of rabid wolves baying for blood and stirring up unrest wherever they went. Their numbers seemed to swell as they followed in Elise’s wake. Students parted like the Red Sea to let her through, and she held the rapt attention of everyone in the cafeteria, student and faculty alike.

It was like I was stuck in the Matrix, suffering from déjà vu. I could see exactly what she intended to do, but no matter how fast I tried to move, the distance between me and Jamie didn’t get smaller. It was like every student got in my way. I watched in horror as she dumped what could only be described as a vat’s worth of marinara sauce over Jamie’s head. A crowd massed around them, cheering her on as the final drops of sauce fell over his head and dripped down his face. Phones, cameras, and laptops were trained on him. My phone blew up with notifications, most likely from what just transpired.

His gut-wrenching cries hit me like artillery fire, stealing the breath from my lungs and nearly knocking me off my feet. I tried to push my way through the hoard of spectators, but I couldn’t get through. Every way I tried to move, someone blocked my path. Fury heated the blood in my veins as adrenaline surged through me. I needed to make her pay as much as I needed to save him.

Jamie slipped and fell to the floor, coating himself in even more sauce. Elise howled with laughter until tears melted the makeup off her face, revealing her for the monster she was. The feral grin she turned on me made me sick to my stomach. I fucking hated her and everything she stood for. She’d spent years trying to force me into being hers, but her presence made my skin crawl. I’d rather swim in lava than spend a minute in her presence.

“You fucked up this time, bitch,” I growled and wrapped my hand around her throat. A collective gasp rang out and made my spine stiffen. How could I have forgotten we were surrounded by a mob of students?

She smirked at me like this was the funniest thing ever. “I think not, Dillon.” She dragged a long blood-red nail down my chest, and I shuddered with revulsion. “You’re the one with your hand wrapped around my throat. I’m the poor helpless girl, half your size.” She whispered, “All I’d need to do is start begging, and then you’re off the team. I can even make sure you’re kicked out of Briar U. So tell me, what do you want to do?”

I sucked in a sharp breath as her threat landed and the knowledge of everything I stood to lose. I was in shark-infested waters with her—she was as dirty as her old man. I was trapped with no way out. No one was ever safe around her, and right now, she could end my life before it even began. “This is over,” I snarled and dropped her like the sack of shit she was. I walked away as she started wailing, doing anything to control the narrative, to make herself the victim.

The corridor was quiet when I made it out of the cafeteria, the eerie silence a shock to the system. I looked left and right for any sign of Jamie, but I couldn’t see him anywhere. My heart was working its way up my throat. I wanted to smash something. I clenched my fists as I tried to think where the closest restroom was. Maybe I should be logical and start there.

“Dillon!” Buchanan shouted as he ran towards me gasping for breath. “I think he’s heading back to the dorms. You need to help him.”

“Shit,” I cursed and broke into a run. I didn’t get far before I heard Jamie’s hollow cries. I skidded to a stop and rounded the corner on silent feet. There he was, curled in on himself and tucked away in a shadowed alcove. I dropped to my knees, hands outstretched, and slowly shuffled toward him. Jamie didn’t move, didn’t react to my presence at all. My heart shattered at his hapless cries. “Little crow? Can you look at me?”

Jamie sucked in a wet breath and raised his head. A river of tears had washed some of the drying sauce off him, but it did nothing to hide his anguish. His distraught features were pinched, his eyes red-rimmed. He looked fucking broken, and I broke alongside him. This all happened because of me, but I couldn’t deny that Elise took some kind of sick pleasure in humiliating him in front of half the student body. Just thinking about it made my stomach revolt, and a fresh wave of anger swelled inside me.

“Come here, baby. Let’s go and get you cleaned up.” Jamie shook his head but didn’t fight me when I hauled him into my arms. He felt so perfect against me, like he was made for me.

“T-thank you, Dil.” A wan smile ticked up his lips as he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in the crook of my neck. He inhaled a deep breath, and it stirred a primal part of me, making me smile because he found my scent comforting.

We luckily made it to the locker room without anyone seeing us. He didn’t deserve this, no matter how shitty our past. He deserved better. I was childish, emotionally stunted, and fucking terrified I’d lose my shot at the only life I could see as an escape. I was a fucking selfish prick. Initially, I didn’t care how much this hurt him, but now? Now that it’s real, I can’t do it. I can’t make him suffer any more than he already has. I want to come clean, be a grown up, and find out why he abandoned me. Hurt me. Betrayed me. But I’m terrified of losing him all over again. Even when I want to make things better for him, I always make it about myself.

I shouldered our way through the door, careful not to hit Jamie’s head on the frame and made our way past the lockers to the showers. My body vibrated, knowing I’d have to strip him out of his clothes to help him wash. My desperate cock thickened as images of his sweet body filtered through my mind. My fingers itched to touch his soft skin, and my lips begged for another taste. Just once more, then I’ll tell him the truth. But first, I need my fix. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. But nothing was going to persuade me otherwise—he was my drug of choice, and I’d do anything for another hit.

“You still with me, little crow?” I whispered against his head. The tremors running through his body had started to calm, and his cries had softened to quiet sniffles and hiccuping gasps. Using the shower wall for support, I leaned in and flicked it on, giving it a chance to warm up before I took us under the spray. “Jamie?”

“I-I’m okay,” he murmured and nuzzled into my neck. The gentle puffs of his breath eased some of the rage inside me, and a smile curved my lips as he melted into me.

“We’re going to need to wash this off, baby.” I chuckled, trying for some levity, and he snorted. “As much as I love marinara sauce, I don’t fancy it being the only thing I can smell for the rest of my life.” Another quiet grunt came from him as his fingers started to tease the hair at my nape. I loved it when he touched me like this; I’d suffered from withdrawals after he disappeared. He used to touch me all the time; it was like he couldn’t be apart from me. I’d refused for years to admit how much I’d craved it. Missed it. Needed him. Always needed him.

The sauce had started to dry, and it was tacky enough to irritate my skin. Our clothes would be stained beyond repair. I kicked my shoes off, and with Jamie still curled in my arms, I opened my locker and blindly reached in for my wash caddy. My fingers wrapped around the plastic handle, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t want to search Coach’s lost and found box, because that shit might have been there for years.

Steam billowed from the shower stall as I stepped in and closed the door behind us. My bare feet slapped against the tiles as I walked us straight under the pounding water. Jamie let out a screech worthy of a horror film victim, that made a laugh burst out of me.

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