Page 44 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

JAMIE

Iwas on cloud nine one minute, then free falling off a cliff the next. I was so goddamn confused I didn’t know which way was up. Who was the real Dillon? I’d had glimpses of the boy I’d known but that wasn’t him anymore. Well, not completely. He was more complex. There were layers to him now, pieces I didn’t know existed, and it worried me. Something was looming over every interaction we’d had, something that could change everything.

I’d been kissed with a passion that burned me inside out. I’d felt his mouth on parts of me no one else had ever touched. He’d made me feel wanted and precious, and then he changed on a hair trigger. I’d foolishly thought after that day by the lake we’d become more, but the next time our eyes locked across the quad, my heart was ripped out all over again. I’d waved at him, and he looked right through me with a sneer curling his lips before turning his back to me.

Those lips had become the star attraction of my dreams. I could remember the taste, texture, and feel of them. The lips that had kissed every inch of my body. Lips that had wrapped around my cock and sucked my soul out of it. I still wore his marks. A litany of bruises decorated my skin but they were fading every day, and selfishly, I wanted more. I liked that they were proof we had been together like that. It felt like he was slipping through my fingers like water.

He destroyed me.

He healed me.

He fucking confused me.

Mal had taken it upon himself to lecture me about valuing myself and respecting my boundaries. He thought someone had forced themself on me, pushed me to do things I didn’t want. He knew I was a virgin, that I’d only been kissed once. I felt so guilty hiding so much from him, but until I understood what was going on how could I talk to someone about it?

“Hey baby boo.” I looked up from my book as Ava plopped herself down on one of the armchairs opposite me. I’d discovered this little unused corner in the library hidden away behind the stacks, and it’d become somewhat of a refuge for me on the days that were too cold to go and sit out by the lake.

“Hey, Aves.” Her smile brightened as I looked at her. Something about her expression made me squirm in my chair. “Sooo,” she said, clapping her hands. “Tonight?”

“Yes?”

“You’re coming out with me and Mal.”

I chuckled. “Oh I am, am I?”

“Hell yes! It’s this month’s LGBTQ+ mixer that I’ve spent all week organizing. And since you missed the last one…”

I knew what she wasn’t saying. I was still so raw over the whole incident. The blood bomb had derailed the plans we’d made to attend the first mixer.

“What she means,” Mal added as he took a seat next to me and dumped his satchel on the coffee table, “is that it’s time you got out there and met some new people. Made some friends.”

Anxiety swirled inside me. “I’ve made new friends.” I gestured towards them. Mal smirked and Ava huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Listen up, angel.” Her voice took on a sharper edge. “You are the best and I love you.” I rolled my eyes as she took on her “mom” tone. “But college is about expanding your horizons, learning about yourself and finding your people.”

“And I’ve done that, haven’t I?”

“No.” Mal scrubbed his hand down his face. “You have, but who else do you talk to other than us?” His stare bored into me, and I rolled my bottom lip between my teeth. It’s not like I could tell them about Dillon. I shook my head. They wouldn’t understand.

“Exactly,” Ava said. I sucked in a breath, about to refute what she said, but she held a hand up. “And we don’t mean talking to people in class when you have to.” My shoulders slumped as Mal chuckled.

“That’s exactly what we mean, JJ.”

I took a deep calming breath, pinched my nose, and exhaled. “Alright. Okay.” It cost me more than I cared to admit to relent to their wishes. I wasn’t a social butterfly. I didn’t need a massive circle of friends. I was happy knowing a few people really well, then hundreds a little bit.

“Sweet. So now you’re in, angel, it’s time to go and get ready.”

I looked down at my rainbow high tops, skinny jeans and hoodie. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing.” Mal shook his head. “But?—”

“But we’ve seen you look at what some of the guys on campus wear.” I arched my brow, waiting for Ava to continue. She blew a raspberry and flicked her rainbow hair out of her face. “You look like you want to try more than skinny jeans, Tees, and hoodies.”

I shrugged. “Maybe.”

A cunning smile lit up her face. “Well then, my bestie boo.” She got up and held her hand out to me. “We’re going to pay a friend of mine a visit.” I looked at her extended hand, apprehension niggling in my chest. I rubbed over the tightness in my chest but didn’t move.

“Come on, JJ. Levi has some crazy mad skills. He’s doing fashion design and we’re certain he’ll have something that’s perfect for you.”

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