Page 1 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

CHAPTER

ONE

JAMIE

Dark fathomless eyes bored into mine, searching for any sign of hesitation, but they’d find none. I wanted this. I wanted him more than I could even say. This was the stuff dreams were made of—well, at least my dreams. He’d promised me I could have anything I wanted for my birthday, and my one wish was for my first kiss. A wish he was seconds away from granting.

Large calloused hands cupped my face, sending pulses of electricity across my skin as my heart pounded against my chest like it could burst its way right out of me. He licked his lips as his thumb brushed my bottom one before teasing it into my mouth. I took a shuddering breath as his taste burst across my tongue.

“You ready?”

“I’ve never been more ready in my life!” My words tumbled out of me as anticipation built inside me, lighting me up like a Fourth of July display. “Don’t keep me waiting,” I whined, my lip pushing out into a pout that made him chuckle.

“Fuck! You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about this.” His words were soft like molasses as he closed the distance between us until I could feel his every exhale on my lips. Dillon cupped my jaw, adjusting the angle of my head, while his other hand sunk into my wild curls, anchoring me so I couldn’t escape. Not that I ever would. I’d be a damn statue if that meant he’d hurry up and kiss me.

“Dillo—” His lips pushed against mine. I sucked in a gasp, my lips parting on instinct, and I felt the first tentative caress of his tongue against mine. A full-body shudder worked its way through me, causing him to chuckle into my mouth. “Shut up,” I groaned as he took control of my mouth and mind as my body surrendered to him. I shuffled forward until I was straddling him, locking my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.

“Mom! Mom!” I shouted as I pushed open the screen door and tumbled into the kitchen. “I kissed him. He kissed me. Mom!”

She stood at the counter chopping up carrots for dinner and looked over her shoulder. “That good, was it?”

“You have know idea!” I practically squealed as I pulled out a chair at the table and slumped down onto it, not sure my shaking legs could hold me up any longer.

“Sure, I don’t.” She winked at me before her eyes were back on what she was chopping.

“Do you think he’d be my boyfriend?” I asked, tracing the grain of the wooden table top with my fingertip.

“I’m sure?—”

“I didn’t raise no faggot.” Dad’s voice boomed behind me, making me jump in my seat and my spine straightened all at once.

“Larry—”

“Don’t fucking ‘Larry’ me, you stupid bitch.” His growled words slurred together as he stormed across the floor and backhanded me so hard I fell to the floor. My cheek burned like boiling water had been poured on it.

“He’s just—” Mom’s words were cut off by a howling cry as Dad wrenched her head backward by her hair. The golden strands fell to the floor, glimmering like fallen stars. I crawled out from under the table just as he kicked her legs out from underneath her, and she fell to the floor. The knife she had been holding clattered to the ground by his feet, the razor-sharp edge gleaming in the beam of sunlight.

“Run, baby. Run!” Mom screamed as the sound of breaking bones echoed around me, and the walls started to close in.

“Jamie! You better be up! We’ve got to be on the road in a couple of hours,” Aunt Clara yelled from the bottom of the stairs, freeing me from my perpetual nightmare. No matter how many times I was pulled into it, there was nothing I could do to change the outcome.

“I’m up,” I muttered, even though she couldn’t hear me and threw the blankets over my head. I wrapped my arms around my pillow, buried my face in it, and prayed I’d be dragged back into a dreamless sleep, because this exhaustion was kicking my ass.

Bang, bang, bang. “Jamie, don’t tell Mama lies. I know you’re not up yet,” my cousin Jessie shouted as she thumped on my door. I love her, I do. I really do. But ugh, I’d hardly gotten a wink of sleep last night, and all I wanted to do was hide away from the world today. I spent all night tossing and turning as nerves churned in my gut so badly, I thought I was gonna be sick. “JJ, come onnnn,” she whined as she pushed the door open a crack, letting in a bright beam of sunlight that I could see through the covers.

“Enough, Jessie, I’m coming,” I groaned as I pulled my pillow over my head to block out the burning light.

“No, you’re hidin’,” she sang and jumped on top of me, pulling the covers off my head and batting the pillow away, making me huff. “I know it’s scary, but college is meant to be fun, right?” Her innocence is something I envied, and I’d do everything in my power to protect her and make sure she isn’t tainted by life.

“Yeah, sweet girl, it is, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be scared too, y’know.” I sighed as she wrapped her little arms around my neck and curled herself into me as per our usual morning routine. I was a night owl for all intents and purposes, and she was, well, not. Jessie was a little ray of sunshine who rose at the ass crack of dawn and had apparently made it her life’s mission to make sure I got up with her too. Kill me now!

Looking up at me through her thick dark lashes, her bright amber eyes seemed larger than normal, filled with an emotion I’d never seen in them before. “I’m going to miss you JJ,” she sobbed into the crook of my neck, her words hitting my heart like a battering ram.

“I’ll miss you too, my little sunbeam.” I tugged on a strand of her curly brown hair and watched it bounce back into place as she peered up at me, her eyes filled with tears. “You’ll be able to call me anytime. Aunt Clara says you can.”

“But—”

I placed my finger over her pouty lips, shushing her. “Always, sunbeam.” I kissed the tip of her cherry-red nose and kicked off the covers, blasting us with cold air. “But I need to have a shower and load up the car before breakfast.” As if on cue, her stomach growled, and she let loose a giggle. One that filled me with pure joy—spread a deep-rooted warmth through me—something that had been missing in my life for so long. “Plus, it sounds like we need to feed the monster in your tummy before it tries to eat you.” I wrapped my hands around her waist and hoisted her over me so her little legs kicked in the air, and she threw her arms out to the sides so she could fly. “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s my little sunbeam.”

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