Page 18 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

“Get the fuck out of here,” Dillon bellowed. My stomach revolted as the boy I loved turned into a monster that was the sum of all my fears. I did the only thing I could as the hope I’d clung to for years turned to dust at my fingertips. I turned and ran as fast as my feet would carry me. I pushed past couples making out on the stairs, lost my footing on the last few steps, and landed in a heap at the bottom. The girl in the red dress from the quad laughed and spat at me as I clambered to my feet.

The walls were closing in around me. I couldn’t breathe. I clawed at my neck, trying to remove the invisible rope around it getting tighter and tighter every time I opened my mouth. I gasped for air as perspiration beaded on my brow and dripped into my eyes. I tried to push through the gathering crowd to the front door, but the bodies were too tightly packed, so I turned and ran toward the kitchen.

I saw Mal, Ava, and the goth girl chatting where I’d left them when I went upstairs to take a piss. Luckily for me, they were far too engrossed in each other to see me stumbling over my feet and rushing to the open back door. I slipped out of the kitchen and ran. I ran around the yard, down the drive, and along the street in the direction I thought we came from when we arrived.

At some point, I’d lost my wings. Right now, I wish I had them and they were real so I could fly away and never come back. Tears poured down my face, and the world around me blurred, but I didn’t care. I had to put as much distance as possible between me and him.

All the times I’d dreamed of seeing Dillon again, it had never gone like this. It might have been awkward and uncomfortable to begin with, but he never looked at me like he hated me. Like he cursed the day I was born.

My legs ached, and my muscles burned, but I kept pushing myself. I wasn’t sure I’d ever put enough distance between us, but I had to try. Then, and only then, would I try and figure out what the hell to do now the one hope I’d clung to was gone. Ripped out of my fingers before it had even had a chance to grow roots.

There was a pain in my side so acute I felt like I could pull a knife out of it. Every movement made the pain spike. My feet were numb, and my body was slick with sweat, while my toga soaked through and clung to my skin. My ankle buckled, and I tripped and tumbled to the ground. My skin scraped along the sidewalk as I rolled to a stop against a wall.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, my left wet with blood as I wrapped my arms around my legs and buried my face in them. Tears poured down my face, and my teeth chattered as I was battered by the continual onslaught of emotions I didn’t know how to process. The only thing I could think to do was purge myself of them, so I screamed. I screamed until my throat was raw. I screamed until my voice gave out. I screamed until I felt numb inside. The cool wind froze the sweat on my skin into a layer of ice, and I found myself begging for oblivion.

“JAMIE?”

“JJ? Where are you?”

“Jamie Bowen, can you hear me?”

“Please, JJ, answer me!”

I heard voices calling out my name, but it was like I was hearing them through water; every word distorted and far away. I tried to open my eyes, but it was like they weighed a thousand pounds. I couldn’t lift my head, and grit and glass cut into the side of my face. I was too cold and weak to move. I thought the voices were getting closer, louder, but I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t think straight, and my mind was playing tricks on me. I was exhausted in the bone-deep, soul-draining kind of way.

The trouble was, I had no idea where I was. No clue how far I’d run or in what direction. I’d just followed my feet trying to outrun my past. A past I now wanted to forget, along with all the other bad things that had happened.

A bright light burned through my eyelids, making me groan. The sound made it feel like someone had poured acid down my throat as pain lanced through me.

“Shit. JJ?” The broken voice was clearer now. A warm hand touched my cheek and neck. “Hang on, okay? I’m going to get Ava.” Footsteps sounded around me like boulders tumbling down a hill. I curled tighter in on myself and willed sleep to claim me.

I felt like I was floating, lights flickering in and out of the darkness. The bone-deep cold I’d been lost to started to fade as something soft and warm covered me. A whimper escaped as my body jolted. “Shh, angel, we’ve got you. We’re nearly back to campus, then we’ll get you a coffee and wrap you up in bed.” Ava’s soft voice soothed the swelling anxiety inside me, because I didn’t know where I was.

“W-w-where a-am… I?”

A deep chuckle sounded by my feet, and it was then I realized firm hands were massaging my aching muscles. “We’re in Tim’s car, Jamie. He came with us when we discovered you’d disappeared. We tried to call your phone before we remembered you left it in our dorm.”

“Mmhmm,” was all I could manage.

“You scared the shit out of us, you know,” Mal scolded.

“S-s-sorry.”

“Hey, sweetie, it’s okay. We were just worried about you and what had happened,” Ava cooed as she ran her fingers through the tangled strands of my hair, her gentle touch comforting.

“We’re here, guys,” a voice said that I didn’t recognize. It must have been Tom? Tammy? Tim? “Do you need me to help carry him upstairs?”

“What, you don’t think I’m strong enough?” Mal snorted.

“You’re hardly a chopstick. There ain’t no muscles on your scrawny-ass bones.” Tim snickered.

“Hey! I resent that.”

“Boys!” Ava snapped. “Let’s get Jamie inside and cleaned up, yeah? The RA would have left by now. So if you could carry him up, Tim, that would be great. Mal will get the doors.”

“Of course, I will.”

I don’t know how they managed to get me out of the car when my muscles were locked up tight without bashing my head, but they did. The next thing I knew, I’d been laid on my bed, the soft glow of the lamp light giving our dorm a warm glow and offering an ounce of much-needed comfort.

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