Page 94 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

“It’s hard to tell. It’s up to him now. The swelling has gone down, and his vitals are stable. Hang in there. He’s young and strong. He’ll fight for you.”

Warm wet drops splashed on my forehead. I wanted to wipe them away, but I couldn’t move. “Please. Please come back to me Jamie. I… I don’t know how much more I can take, baby…” It was fading. He was fading. Even with my arm outstretched, reaching for him, my fingers were swallowed by the darkness as it pulled me back under. No! No. No. Let me go…

I felt lighter, like the crushing weight holding me down had dissipated. I sucked air into my lungs and it burned. White-hot pain engulfed me like a tsunami, flooding my limbs. Any little movement intensified the pain. I tried to pry my eyes open, but they were welded shut.

“W-what’s happening?”

The steady beeping increased its tempo, getting more frantic as I tried to pry my eyes open.I needed to be free. I shook the bars of the cage holding me prisoner. I wanted to be free. To be back with them.

“Doctor? What’s going on?”

Footsteps echoed and the ground shook beneath me. Coldness swept through me, chilling me to the bone.

“What did you do?” His rage was palpable, even as I started to drift.

“He was fighting too hard. We’ve sedated him so he can’t cause himself any more damage. The swelling might have receded, but he’s still in a very delicate state. You should try and get some rest.”

“I’ll rest when he’s back.”

The cloying scent of bleach and disinfectant seared my nostrils and coated my lungs with every inhale. The rhythmic beep beep beep grated against my nerves like sandpaper. I managed to open my eyes a crack, but it was nothing but a grainy haze. The bright lights made my brain ache and pulse in time with the beeping. Tears pooled in my slitted eyes and flowed down my face. I still felt numb, or maybe disassociated was the right word? But I was grateful, because it held back the avalanche of pain I knew was waiting on the other side.

The air moved and pressure increased somewhere on me. It was like feeling heat on the other side of a barrier that tempered it. I couldn’t move my head or anything else, and it was quickly becoming too hard to keep my eyes open. I sighed when the blackness blanketed me.

A door clicked shut and soft footfalls moved around me. The rich aroma of coffee overpowered the bleach and it made breathing easier. The scraping sound of a chair being moved pierced through me, and I tensed.

“Dillon, darling. You really should go and get some rest. You need to eat and sleep. He’ll still be here when you get back. You haven’t left his side.”

“And I won’t fucking leave him, not until he tells me to go. I-I promised I’d protect him… t-that I’d keep him safe, and I f-failed him, Clara. I can’t leave him. I’ll grab a shower and a change of clothes, but I’ll be back. Thanks for the coffee.” Heavy footsteps faded away, and my heart dropped as his presence dissipated.

“Oh, Jamie.” She sighed. “Your man is one of the most amazing young men I’ve met. He’s told me everything that happened between you. I’m so proud of you for taking the leap and giving him another chance.” Her breathing stuttered. “You didn’t deserve what he did, but fear is a powerful thing.”

I wanted to answer her, but I didn’t have the strength to fight against my body. Her soft voice accompanied me as I drifted in and out of consciousness. Other people came and went, talking in hushed tones like they were afraid I could hear them. I’d always laughed at the idea of talking to coma patients, but now I understood. It was like listening to a CB radio—sometimes clear, sometimes garbled, and there was no real frame of reference besides the images your imagination conjured.

Slowly, I became aware of every ache and pain that flashed and rolled through me, and the enormity hit me all at once. Everything I’d felt up until this point had been nothing but a faint echo. Now, the pain burned with an intensity that consumed me like a wildfire, and I longed for the cool dark abyss of my previous semi-conscious state.

A heavy weight was draped over my right arm. The heat radiating from it permeated my cool skin, making me shiver. I tried to flex my fingers, but something tightened around them with the slight movement. I was too scared to open my eyes, because what if I was wrong? What if I wasn’t awake, but in heaven? My heart stuttered and my body jolted at the realization that I could be dead. I didn’t want to have had my chance at a life with Dillon ripped away from me by my vile dad. I wanted years of waking up next to him and watching him sleep. I wanted many more stolen moments between us as our lives sped on around us. I wanted and I wanted. I wanted my dreams to come true. I wanted a house. A husband. Memories of our lives and children growing up. I wanted to sit on the porch swing when we were old and gray and watch our family around us.

I wanted it all. And if that bastard has taken my chance of happiness away from me, I’d go down to hell and kill his ass myself.

Tears welled behind my closed eyes, making the pressure unbearable. I had to either feel them trickle down my face, or be brave enough to face whatever reality confronted me. I could do this. I knew I could. Trepidation rolled through me. I sucked in a stuttering breath and slowly opened my eyes. Anticipating the bright lights I’d seen before, I squinted as my vision slowly cleared and breathed a sigh of relief when a darkened room came into focus.

My eyes darted over the small space. Dull off-white walls, a muted TV hanging opposite me, and a small table at the end of my bed with empty snack wrappers. A white closed door with a small window in the middle showed a dark corridor beyond, and if I strained hard enough, I could hear the nurses chattering. The window on the opposite side of the room had a slatted blind, but it was open enough for me to see the parking lot beyond it. Orange street lights illuminated the cars, and odd shadowed blobs moved around.

My tears fell when I managed to turn my gaze on the weight I’d felt on my arm. I hiccuped a breath as my heart grew a millions times too big for my body. Every one of Dillon’s words and protests echoed in my mind. He refused to leave. He stayed and guarded me when I wasn’t there to do it for myself. My heart, my soul, my body is yours, baby. Always and forever. I’m yours.

I’d follow him to the ends of the earth and beyond like he had so willingly done for me. A smile flickered at the corners of my lips as I traced the rose on the back of his hand that was wrapped around mine. His skin felt rough under mine, the hairs course, but it didn’t do anything to dampen the electricity that ignited from such an innocent touch. “I love you, always,” I breathed, my throat aching and raw.

“I love you too, little crow,” he muttered, his voice thick with sleep. I couldn’t see his face, but I mapped its sleeping form in my mind. How I’d trace my fingers across his brows, down his nose, and along the bow of his full lips. Every part of his body was imprinted on my memory, but I hungered to taste him again, to feel his solid muscles under my fingertips.

“I’ll be here when you wake up, Dil.” Time moved slowly as I slipped in and out of a sleepy doze, but Dillon’s hold on me never wavered. It filled my heart to bursting. The sky beyond the window went from an inky black, to indigo, to the pale blue of a new dawn. When oranges and reds chased the darker shades of night away, Dillon started to stir. He moved his head onto my lap and wrapped his arm around my legs. He couldn’t have been comfortable. His unrelinquishing hold kept my overwhelming emotions at bay. I carded my hand through his hair, trailed my fingers around the shell of his ear, and down to the roman numerals on his neck. It was the date we first met; when I was eight and he saved me from an ass whooping.

“How’s he doing?” Aunt Clara’s voice was soft, but the tiredness that laced her tone hurt. My eyes slowly fluttered open. Bright sunlight shone through the slatted blind and made my head pulse, so I closed them and stayed still so I could listen to them talk. Partly because I wanted to know what was going on, and partly because I’d alway been nosey.

Dillon sighed and stretched, rubbing his neck. “You know I dreamed he spoke to me last night?”

“Oh?”

“Mmm. He told me he loved me, and he’d be here when I woke up. It was so real. I could almost believe he traced the rose on my hand.” His voice grew thick, and his breathing stuttered.

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