Page 79 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

His breath fogged the air with his weary exhale before he cleared his throat. “I’d like you to just listen to me, Jamie, without interrupting me. Do you think you can do that?”

I shot him an incredulous look. “Don’t see why not,” I grumbled and pulled my shoulders up to my ears as the wind picked up.

“I’ve known Dillon since we met on the first day of freshman year. He’s always been singularly focused on his studies and football. It was like nothing in the world existed to him.” The whimsical note to his voice pulled at something inside me I didn’t quite understand. “He was strong and brave but closed off and hostile to everyone. On the field, he was a power house. But off it, he grunted rather than talked to people, you know? Until I got sacked really badly one game and got knocked out. He helped me, kept me talking so I’d stay conscious. Apparently, I kept blacking out.”

“I get it, alright? He’s wonderful and the sun shines out of his ass.”

Taylor snorted. “You said you’d listen.”

“I did. Sorry,” I said, suitably chastised.

“Anyway, he didn’t make friends. I think he tolerated most of us. I know his dad constantly gives him shit. He speaks to Coach, and then tears Dillon a new one. But I’d never seen him act like he had no feelings until the night you popped up. He looked like he’d seen a ghost and was terrified. I now understand why, and that’s what I really wanted to tell you. When you left, it fucked him up?—”

“That wasn’t my fault,” I growled.

“Hey, I know, okay? And so does he now. But the point is, what he shared with you—he’s never had with anyone. He might have been with girls, but that was because he was terrified that if people found out he was into you, that his dad would fuck him up worse than yours did.”

“Excuse me? What did you just say? What the hell did my dad do?”

“He didn’t tell you?” I shook my head, furrowing my brows as trepidation crawled over my skin. “Just…you didn’t hear this from me, k? A few days after you left, your dad showed up at Dillon’s house, demanding to know where you were. Since Dillon couldn’t tell him, your dad beat the shit out of him, breaking his arm and putting him in the hospital.”

The world spun around me, and I swayed on my feet. “No.”

“That’s what he told me.”

“Fuck!” Tears fell from my eyes unbidden as the image of a beaten fifteen-year-old Dillon filtered through my mind.

“And when you turned up, the hurt and devastation he felt toward you morphed into anger. Plus, he was terrified about losing his spot on the team. He thought—stupidly, I might add—that the best way to solve his problem was to scare you into leaving.”

“It’s not that simple,” I whispered as the wind basted us with ice cold air.

Taylor glanced at me with sadness swimming in his eyes. “But it is, Jamie. Dillon told the team he’d been bullying you, so you sicced your dad on him. The lie he told blew out of proportion. He only suggested knocking into you, trashing your books, or sending you to the wrong building so you’d be late for class.”

Tears streamed down my cheeks as guilt threatened to devastate me. “But?—”

“All the nasty shit that’s happened was orchestrated by Stevens and fucking Chad. They hate Dillon, because he has what they want. They might be assholes, but Stevens isn’t stupid—despite how he pretends to be—and he figured out Dillon’s secret. He thought targeting you would break Dillon and get him to fuck up, thus getting him off the team.”

“But thats… thats…” I couldn’t find words for what I was hearing. “Barbaric.”

“It is. Dillon beat the shit out of Chad for what happened on Halloween and sent incriminating evidence to the dean. One more fuck up, and Chad will get kicked out.”

I stopped and looked Taylor right in the eyes. I needed to see if he lied. “Have you been part of any of the fucked up things they’ve done?”

He shook his head but kept his eyes trained on me. “No. The things they’ve done made me sick. Plus, Dillon…”

I rocked back on my feet as the realization hit me. Stabbing pains pierced my chest, and I swallowed down the lump forming in my throat. “Oh my god! Does he know you’re in love with him?”

Taylors eyes glistened as tears filled them. “No, and he never will. You’re here, and he loves you, Jamie. These last six weeks have just about killed him. I’ve never seen him suffer like this before.” He placed his hand on my lower arm. “Just give him another chance. He’s willing to do anything to win you back. Anything, Jamie. You ask, and he’ll do it.”

My heart squeezed in my chest, stealing the breath from my lungs as tears pricked my eyes. “I just need time. I lost my mom two years ago. When Dillon said he was the reason for all this madness, it was as much of a gut wrench as my mom’s death. It’s all too raw, y’know? So yeah. I need time.”

“I do. I got you, okay? I’ll talk to Dillon.”

“No, I’ve got it.” I licked my lips. “I will.” Taylor nodded, gave me a small smile, then walked away, leaving me standing outside the exhibition center.

I couldn’t work out what part of that little talk broke my brain more—that Dillon wasn’t, in fact, the manipulative unfeeling monster I’d made him out to be, or that his best friend was in love with him and Dillon had no idea. The truth was, Dillon was just a terrified broken boy who came from a cold loveless home, and had a dad who forced him to suppress all his emotions. That Dillon didn’t have any social skills or the ability to read people’s intentions made sense. My heart broke in a whole new way for him. For the experiences he’d denied himself out of fear and how he forced himself to conform.

Mal thought I might be demi, but I knew I wasn’t. It was just my heart belonged to one person; always had, always would. We were as inevitable as the sunrise and as sure as the changing tides. But the way Dil explained his prom night makes me think he might actually be demi but not know it. Our friendship grew over five years before we kissed, and he was only then starting to acknowledge there was something more than friendship between us.

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