Page 74 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

“So, the blood box?”

“Yup.”

“Shit. What else?” She looked between me and Mal. “Judging by the guilty looks on your faces, that’s not everything, is it?”

“No.” I shook my head, and my shoulders slumped. “The fire alarm in the mathematics building?—”

Ava gasped. “Wait, what? What happened then?”

“Well, I was, umm…”

Mal cleared his throat, his Adam’s apple bobbing thickly in this throat. “Velecote held him back. When everyone else left, JJ kind of got kidnapped and locked in the janitor’s closet with a bag over his head and…” Mal stared at his hands. He’d been furious when I told him what happened. But what didn’t make sense was the horrified look on Dillon’s face when he rescued me and carried me back here.

“What in the everloving… AHH!” Ava sprung up off the bed and started pacing with her fists clenched. She was practically vibrating with anger. “I’m going to the dean! Fuck this!” She stopped at the end of my bed, tears glistening in her eyes. My heart ached at how angry she was for me. “What else?”

“That’s it?” I squeaked. They both pinned me with a glower that had me wanting to crawl back under my covers and hide.

“JJ, we know there’s more.” The implication of his words wasn’t lost on me. They knew me well enough to know when I was being evasive. I was doing it to protect them as much as shield myself.

“Fine, fine.” I held up my hands. “There might have been an image of me getting railed by two really hot guys displayed in the middle of a calculus presentation. Then on Halloween, I got chased by guys in glowing masks across campus and hid in the groundskeepers’ building until Dil came and rescued me. Then-he-took-my-virginty-and-told-me-he-loved-me,” I sucked in a desperate gasp, “and-admitted-he-was-the-one-to-blame-for-it-all.”

“Holy shit!”

“Angel, what the hell? Oh my god. That is insane!” Ava threw herself at me, and Mal pulled us both into a massive doggy pile hug.

“Ouch! Aves, get your elbow off my nuts,” I said, lost among their limbs, crying and laughing. It was cathartic, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. A secret shared was a burden halved, but it still messed with my mind so much.

“Oh, sorry.” She snickered, rolled off me, and sat opposite me with her legs crossed.

“I love him and hate him at the same time. It’s confusing and draining.” I sniffled. “H-he told me he loved me, b-but he was the reason all of that happened. How could he expect me to be okay with it all? It hurt me—he hurt me—terrified me. He embarrassed me in front of the whole damn college, and it was like he thought saying ‘I love you’ would make me forgive and forget. I mean, I do love him, and have done since before I knew what loving someone felt like, but this?” I shook my head. “I don’t think I can just put it behind me.” I deflated and curled into Mal’s side. He pulled me closer and placed a kiss on the top of my wild curls.

“What do you want?” The low tone of Mal’s voice sent a shiver through me.

“I don’t know.” I wanted everything and nothing. To go back five years and never leave. To have never met him. But that thought was like digging my own grave. I didn’t want to live in a world where he didn’t exist, but I didn’t know if I could exist in one with him.

Ava’s hand coasted down my arm until she entwined our fingers and gave them a reassuring squeeze. “It’s hard when the people we love hurt us.” Her voice resonated with pain. “Even if they didn’t mean to do it. But you’re special, Jamie.” She smiled at me in a way that made my heart feel too big to fit inside me. “You’re like a wildflower; beautiful and delicate, yet resilient. You flourish no matter what the odds, and nothing can dim your shine. Don’t let this beat you. Come back fighting.”

I was gobsmacked as I stared at my friend. That was probably one of the deepest things I’d ever heard her say. It was beautiful, heartfelt, and resonated with my soul. I didn’t know what to do about Dillon. The wound was deep and bloody, and I’m not sure I had the stomach to look at it yet. Maybe in time I’d be able to, but for now, I’d let myself bleed out. Anything to numb myself.

Love is nothing like I’d expected it to be. It’s a constant battle, a war that leaves scars behind, ones that don’t always heal. It’s a war you choose to fight every day. It’s about growing up and admitting when enough is enough. The hardest part about walking away from him was that he didn’t follow me. He hasn’t fought for me. Not once in six weeks.

We spent the rest of the day curled up under my covers, while Mal selected shitty rom-com movie after shitty rom-com movie for us to watch. It was nice to do nothing but not be alone. I was like an explorer who’d come home after years in the Arctic. I slowly felt like I was coming back to myself. I had the best friends, and with them holding me up, I could get through this. I just had to push the guilt aside that keep chipping away at the happiness I clung to by my fingertips. Those photos and that damn USB stick whispered my name every time I closed my eyes, but I shoved in my ear plugs and ignored them.

“Oh, oh, oh, I have a great idea.” Ava bounced across the room to her bag. Mal and I looked at each other with mirroring expressions of confusion. She heaved a dramatic sigh and placed her hand on her hip. “You’ve heard of the revenge body, right?”

“Yup.”

“Yes,” Mal and I said at the same time.

“Well, we’re going to do a revenge makeover, and then we’re going to make you a star, Jamie.” She squealed and started talking to someone on her phone at a million miles an hour.

“Not sure I like this, Mal,” I whispered.

He chuckled, and his face lit up. “You’re aboard the Ava express now, JJ, with no stops until the end of the line. So you better buckle up and enjoy the ride.”

“Well, shit.”

“Oh, Ava, I’m so glad you called. This is just perfect. I was actually looking…” Levi’s voice died as he turned into our room and saw me and Mal curled up on my bed. He came rushing over, his hands frantically waving in the air. “Oh, babe. What’s happened?” He sat on the bed by my feet, pulled my hand into his, and started petting me.

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