Page 67 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

My breath caught in my throat, and it felt like it was closing up. I shook my head, unable to answer him as fresh tears scolded my face. “I…I…” Anxiety ripped through me, my lungs protesting as I tried to suck in air. I was hyperventilating and shaking. Dillon’s crackled curses were the only thing I could focus on as the world closed in around me.

“Shit! Baby? Can you hear me? I’m coming. I’m coming. Just stay on the line.” Silent tears poured down my face. “Even if you can’t talk, I need to hear you breathing.” He sounded frantic. Doors crashed. Footsteps echoed. His panted breaths rasped through the static of the line. “Just keep breathing, baby. I’m coming.”

I clutched my phone to my heart and kept pressing the screen so it stayed lit up. I’d never been a fan of the dark, but tonight had just turned my fear into something real. I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. It felt like the world was swaying around me, the floor moving in the opposite direction to the walls. I buried my face into my knees and tried to focus on my breathing.

“Jamie, can you hear me?”

Not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this.

“Jamie, baby. I need you to open your eyes and look at me. Please. Please, show me your beautiful eyes.”

Not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Not like this.

Soft lips brushed across my face, the gentle rasp of stubble against my skin sending shock waves through me, making my breath hitch in my throat. But something had sunk its claws into me and refused to let me. I was screaming inside my head but couldn’t move.

Not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Please not like this. Not like this. Not like this.

“Little crow…p-please… come back to me. I need you. I’m so, so sorry.”

Please, please, not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Please not like this. Not like this.

“I never meant for this to happen.” Agony laced his thick words and pulled at something deep inside me. My pain recognised his; we were like twin embers fighting against the darkness that wanted to extinguish our light.

“I was scared, baby. So fucking scared that you being here would ruin everything. I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry.” The sound of flesh hitting flesh made me flinch. “Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Not like this. Please, please, please not like this. Not like this. Not like this. Please not like this.

“Oh, god. I need you to stop shaking. You’re freezing cold. Wet with sweat. If you can hear me, little crow, I’m going to strip you off and put you in the shower. I’m going to hold you in my arms until you come back to me.”

It was like an out-of-body experience. Dillon’s gravelly voice was muted and distant. I was vaguely aware of what he was doing to me, but I couldn’t react. I was trapped inside my body, but it didn’t feel like mine anymore. I was just a passenger pushed into the background.

His words percolated through my mind. I was so scared you’d ruin everything. Darkness claimed me even though I fought against it. I never meant for this to happen. A barely perceptible echo of his pain felt like a razor blade slicing across my skin.

“I’m sorry.”

Nothing.

“I never meant to hurt you.”

Nothing.

My body ached, every muscle burning even though I was caught in that barely conscious state when your brain didn’t know if you were awake or still dreaming. My mind felt heavy, like something important weighed it down, but that knowledge was just out of reach. But the existential dread clawing at my lungs was all I needed to know.

“Hey there, my beautiful boy. Are you back with me?” Heat flushed through me, concealing the way I ached, and I peeled my eyelids back. I winced as the air hit them. Each blink felt like I was scraping sandpaper over them, making them water.

“D-Dil?”

“I’ve got you. I’m never fucking letting go.” He was wrapped around me, legs entangled with mine, and arms enveloping my middle, holding my back to his chest. His fingers bit into my skin and even though it hurt, I melted into him. I felt safe.

“You came for me?”

A pained sound cut through the quiet of his room. “I will always come for you, Jamie.” He sounded like he’d swallowed glass, like every word hurt to say. “Always.” He kissed a path across my bare shoulder and buried his face into the crook of my neck. His shuddering inhale rolled through me. I felt it everywhere.

“I was s-so scared.” My eyes stung, and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, but it was imperative I got the words out before they burned me to the ground. “What did I do to them to make them hate me so much?”

Dillon’s hold slackened like he was withdrawing into himself. His heart beat through his chest into mine, each one shattering me from the inside out.“I-I don’t?—”

“Don’t lie to me, Dillon. I’ve always been able to tell when you lie.” He slipped out of the bed, and I immediately felt his loss. I was cold, bereft. I closed my eyes and fought the mountain of emotion rising inside me and focused on the sound of his feet shuffling on the floor, the rasp of material on his skin as he pulled on clothes. His erratic, labored breathing. His weighted sigh hung heavily over us.

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