Page 4 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

I scoffed at the thought. I might not have advertised my interest in guys, but I must have put some kind of signal out into the world, because I’d been propositioned a handful of times in the last few years by closeted jocks. They were like my own personal brand of kryptonite. Big, built, and brooding made alarms blare in my head every time one of them cornered me in the hallways or the locker room. I didn’t know if I wanted to scream and run, or get down on my knees and beg for mercy.

I’d kissed a grand total of one guy; the one who still owned every facet of my being. I’d promised myself that with this move being my fresh start, it was time to let go of childhood naivety. Of promises made and shared on my thirteenth birthday and get myself out there and see what a real relationship was like. I didn’t like the hookup culture that everyone else seemed to rave about. I wanted a connection. I wanted something deep and meaningful, not just to scratch an itch—not that I’d had that other than with him.

The car door banging closed snapped me out of my meandering thoughts, and I linked back to reality. “You ready to go, Jamie?”

“Yup. Thanks for doing this for me.”

“Don’t be stupid, JJ. You’re family. I’d do anything for you. Speaking of…” She reached into her bag and pulled out a massive manilla envelope and handed it over to me before shoving her bag into my footwell. “Daire gave me this for you. It’s got a burner phone with his number pre-programmed into it.” I glanced over at Aunt Clara as I fingered open the envelope. Apprehension marred her features. “I’m not saying you should need to use it, but?—”

“I know,” I interrupted her. I’d heard this speech so many times over the last few years, I could recite it in my sleep. “I’ll use it if anything feels off.” She smiled and squeezed my shoulder before starting the ignition. The Honda roared to life beneath us, and within minutes, we’d passed through the town limits and headed for the highway.

“Zack knows you’ll be moving again.”

Aunt Clara sighed like the weight of the world suddenly landed on her shoulders as I looked through the other documents Uncle Daire had given me. “I know.” She cleared her throat and adjusted her sunglasses. “He heard me talking to Daire the other night about our new location.” Amber eyes flicked over to me and glanced at the paperwork in my lap. My scholarship offer to Briar U was in the name of Jamie Bowen—my current name. I’d been Jamie something or other for the last five years, but I knew the score now; unlike when I’d first met Uncle Daire on that night. It was for my safety and protection. I understood it, and I was beyond grateful, but it sucked having to learn a new name every six months or so.

If I had to be honest with myself, I’m so damn tired. It’s not a physical kind of exhaustion—it’s in my soul. I’m tired of going through this shit, of nothing changing, of having to uproot my life over and over again. I’m sick of trying. It’s not that I don’t want to live, but more like it wouldn’t be the worst thing if I fell asleep and didn’t wake up. It’s a silent battle I’ve waged against myself every day for the last two years. One I’ve hidden from the world, from those who love me. How would they react if they knew how broken I was, or how my dreams are haunted by memories I can’t escape? I’m scared they wouldn’t want me anymore, because I’m not sure if I can be fixed, or if I even want to be.

“How about some music?” Aunt Clara’s voice cut through the myriad of thoughts circling my anxious mind, pulling me back to what is meant to be a positive day.

“Sure. But only if I get to pick the station.”

She snorted and ended up coughing her guts up. I smirked at her when I saw tears streaming down her face. “You always pick the damn station, kid,” she croaked.

“I got a new one you’re gonna love too.” She scoffed as I flicked through the channels until I found the one I was looking for, and Sleep Token’s Alkaline blared through the crackling speakers. It sounded like the subwoofer had blown, but somehow it enhanced the song in a way that made the rest of the world turn into a blur as we merged onto the interstate and ate the miles.

“What in the living hell is this?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the look of horror on her face. “This is Sleep Token. They’re amazing!”

“They’ve got nothing on Linkin Park, kid.”

“If you say so.” I smirked, tipped my head back, and allowed my eyes to fall closed as she continued to mutter under her breath about my lack of musical taste. It wasn’t long before my lack of sleep caught up with me, and everything faded away as the movement of the car lulled me into unconsciousness.

“Wow. This place is hella impressive, Jamie.” Aunt Clara’s eyes bulged as we drove down the main boulevard past the campus buildings in the direction of the dorms. As part of my scholarship, I got the full board program. That meant I had food and a room for the four years it’d take for me to graduate with my degree. I just needed to work out what my major would be. I couldn’t decide between design, art, or architecture.

I was a creative at heart, much like mom and Aunt Clara, but I also loved numbers and nature. It was an odd combination of subjects that I enjoyed, but I loved the juxtaposition between the freedom nature and art offered versus the rigidity and order of numbers and architecture.

“The buildings are beautiful, the streets lined with trees, and gorgeous open spaces where you could sit and relax between lectures. I’m jealous. It kinda makes me wish I went to college.”

“Ha! Good one. You’ve never stopped saying how much you hated school and the oppressive structure of it all.”

She snorted. “I can’t argue with that. I’m gonna need you to direct me to your dorms.”

“I’ve got you. You want the second left. My building is in the same quadrant as the sports dorms.”

“Guess they thought you scholarship kids would be a good influence on all those hotheaded jocks.”

I shrugged even though she wasn’t paying me any attention. “Yeah, maybe.” It only took us a few minutes to find a space in the parking lot opposite my building, just enough time for me to put my mask on so Aunt Clara wouldn’t worry about me. My throat was drier than the Sahara, and my stomach was filled with an angry swarm of wasps, but on the outside, I looked relaxed. I just hoped it was enough to put Aunt Clara at ease so she wouldn’t linger and end up being late for Jessie and Zack when they finished school.

She turned the ignition off and turned in her seat to look at me. “What do you want to do first? Grab your boxes or check out your room?”

I sucked in a deep steadying breath as I pondered her question. “Let’s grab some boxes then go check in with the RA. I’m guessing that’s him standing outside the building.” I tried not to laugh as I took in the stark contrast between the two buildings that faced each other across the lot. One was all sparkling white stone and windows that shone like mirrors, and the other a dull gray with windows covered in a film of dirt that looked like they hadn’t been cleaned in well, ever.

“Sounds like a plan. Let’s get to it.” We slipped out of the car and loaded ourselves up with boxes. I only had six, so we’d only need one other trip, and all my worldly possessions would be in their new home.

We strode between discarded cars and around people who seemed to stop for no reason right in front of you and made our way to the guy in the royal-blue polo shirt. He was a jock, with broad shoulders and thick biceps that flexed as he turned the pages on his clipboard. His tanned arms were muscled and every little movement highlighted the veins that threaded his forearms. My mouth was dry, my tongue sticking to the roof, and the ability to speak evaded me as he held out his hand and chuckled. Pink tinged his cheeks as he took in the boxes braced in my arms. Pale green eyes looked at me through thick lashes, and his lush lips curled up into a devilish smirk. “Hi, I’m Taylor. I’m on the football team.” Figured as much. They all look like gods, and this guy was no exception. Even so, he didn’t hold a torch to the god that broke me. “I take it you’re moving in today?”

Aunt Clara chuckled next to me. “What gave it away? The boxes?”

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