Page 3 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

My hand ran through her hair and cupped the back of her head, making sure her full attention was fixed on me. “Yeah, sunbeam, it will be.” I sighed, suddenly feeling a wave of tiredness wash through me. “You’ll see. In the end, everything works out just how it’s meant to.”

“And what if everything isn’t right? What if I’m not happy?” Her bottom lip quivered.

“Then it’s not the end.” I pulled her forward and placed a kiss on her forehead, breathing in her floral scent before exhaling. “But right now, you better get your shoes on and grab your bag or you’ll be late for school.”

“I wish you… I wish I knew you’d be here when I got home tonight,” she grouched as she jumped off her chair and ran to get her stuff just as Aunt Clara’s voice reached my ears.

“Zack, Jessie, get your school stuff and get out here. The bus will be here any minute.” I snickered at the sound of feet thundering above my head as I grabbed their lunches off the counter and brought them to the porch. “Ah, thanks for gettin’ those, Jamie.” Aunt Clara smiled as she took their lunches off my hands.

“No problem.” The bus pulled up a second later and my cousins appeared in front of me as if by magic.

“See ya, JJ. Have a good time, yeah?” Zack pulled me in for a side hug, then bounded down the steps to his mom, took his lunch, and joined his friends at the back of the bus.

“JJ?” came a quiet watery voice.

“I’m here, sunbeam.” I crouched down in front of her and brushed the tears off her face.

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“I know, sweet girl.” She buried her face into the crook of my neck and wrapped her arms tightly around me. I could feel her sobs as they racked through her body. Knowing she wouldn’t release me anytime soon, I wrapped my arms around her and carried her down the path to meet the bus.

“Come on, Jessie,” Aunt Clara cooed as she rubbed a hand up and down her back. “You gotta get to school, kid.”

“B-but I d-don’t want ‘im to go,” she warbled.

“I know, but we’ll see him soon, so don’t you worry. Okay?”

“Okay.” She nodded into my neck but still wouldn’t let go, and it made my heart ache. I’d never had siblings, and this felt like I was losing a part of my heart all over again.

I crouched down till her feet hit the ground and gently pushed her back by her shoulders. Jessie’s tear-streaked face looked up at me and a million words flowed through my head of what I could say, but none of them would come. I brushed back a wayward curl from her face, and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you for Thanksgiving.” She blinked up at me as she slowly processed the words and nodded. “That’s a promise, sunbeam.” I smiled as much as I could. “So get on that bus and make lots of memories, then you can tell me all about it when I see you next.”

“O-okay, JJ.” She sniffled, kissed my cheek, and bounded onto the bus.

CHAPTER

TWO

JAMIE

We stood and watched the bus fade from view as it drove down the road. The world seemed unnaturally quiet now the kids had gone, like the silent lull before a storm. But the air felt electric and the blood in my veins hummed. Everything was about to change, again. I just hoped it was for the better.

“Don’t cry, JJ.” Aunt Clara brushed tears off my cheeks I didn’t know were falling. “It’s going to be okay.” I sucked in a shuddering breath and looked into her eyes, expecting to see pity like I had done so many times in the past after Mom… but all I saw was love and understanding.

“I-I’m scared.” The words tore themselves from my lips as she wrapped her arms around me. She hugged like a mom; tight, firm, and true.

“I won’t lie to you.” She pulled back, brushing my cheeks dry again. “It’s not gonna be easy for you, Jamie.” I sighed, chewing my bottom lip to hold back the cry that wanted to escape. “You’ve been through so much in the last eighteen years. Too much for someone so young.” She cupped my face, the heat emanating from her palm warmed my cool skin. “But Selene…” She sniffed, and licked her lips. “Your mom would be so proud of who you’ve become and who you will be. She loved you more than life itself, sweetie. Never doubt that.”

“I-I always thought it would be us…” My voice gave out, but I could tell she knew what I meant by the sad smile that lit her face. The plan had always been for mom to drive me to college and help me set up my dorm room, but as with many things, the best laid plans didn’t mean shit. Life was cruel and had a way of crushing your hopes and dreams before they had a chance to come to fruition.

“Go live your life. Chase your dreams.” Her thumb stroked across my cheekbone as longing filled her words. “Fall in love. Have that great romance you both used to sit and read about. Okay?”

I nodded mutely, struggling to breathe. My lungs felt like they were being crushed. And my heart? Well, that had been broken five years ago. That useless thing was nothing but a bruised effigy of what used to be a vital beating organ.

“Good.” She squeezed my shoulder before releasing me. “Go get in the car. I just need to grab my bag and lock up.”

I smiled, even though it felt like I was fighting quick drying cement on my skin. “Sure.” I took one last look over the fields opposite me, watching as heads of corn chased the shadows of the clouds blowing overhead. The bright blue sky was darkening as a murky gray spiderwebbed across it above the clouds. I felt like my anxiety was polluting everything, staining it. The dry grass crunched under foot as I crossed the yard to my aunt’s Honda, the black paintwork faded and pockmarked, but it was as reliable as they came, and given our current circumstances, that was something we needed.

Briar U was about a three-hour drive from Bentwaters where we currently lived, and I was beyond grateful to be getting out of this narrow-minded backwater. Even though I couldn’t admit it, I was hopeful Briar U being on the edge of a large city like Jamieson meant it would be more progressive. Maybe I’d finally find the strength to let go of childhood promises and do exactly what my aunt wanted me to do and open myself up to love.

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