Page 82 of Your Side of the Offense

"He is sick, Logan, and be honest, would you have been cool with me going to him?"

His jaw ticks. "Still, you should have been honest with me, Su. But you lied and denied that shit in my face."

"I was protecting your feelings. You didn't need to deal with all that."

"Protecting my feelings, huh? Do you know the type of shit people have started saying about you and by consequence, me?"

I shake my head and go to sit on my bed.

"They tell me all the time that you will leave me for all of them or one of them." He pauses. "And you know what's fucked up? I can't even argue with them on it because…Su, do you even feel anything for me?"

The amount of pain in his eyes breaks my heart. My lips move before I can think of it.

"Yes, yes I do."

Fuck. Why the fuck?

His face softens as he moves to sit next to me. He sits facing me taking my lightly sweating hands.

"Su, I love you. Now, can you tell me what it is I can do to make this work for us?"

I stare at him for a long while. I have no answers. So, I do the only reasonable thing and lean in and kiss him. I pull away when he doesn't fully reciprocate the kiss and I hold his face. This right now isn't about feelings or anything, it's about winning.

"Just…love me," I say softly against his lips.

He stares at me before kissing me fiercely. I return the kiss kicking myself inside.

This is not going how I wanted it to. I shouldn't have gone to Hazel's. If I just saw him without his friends we wouldn't be here. I would have broken up with him and I would be in Archer's arms.

Logan pushes me down on the bed and I let him. I feel a little bad for him. Being in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings sucks. A part of me knows he will be devastated if I break up with him and I don't know if I want to cause someone else that sort of heartbreak. I know heartbreak and it's no joke. So what do I do?

I lay him down and pleasure him with my mouth again, and let him reciprocate. Pretending to come, and he doesn’t even notice.

He is overjoyed, and we eat dinner together and watch a series. Before he holds me all night. After he’s asleep, I cry myself to sleep.

What the fuck are you doing, Su?

***

The week is a blur and I feel like shit for multiple reasons. Being with Logan in a small way feels like cheating on Arch, even though Arch and I aren't dating. I feel like shit for not bossing up when it came to it, but I couldn’t break Logan's heart. I’m just too pussy to do it, especially after he gives me one of his 'I love you' speeches.

I just feel bad for him.

I know how great it is to be with someone you love, and I don't know the devastation he'd feel if I broke his heart. He's already endured so much. He's been nothing but patient and faithful to me.

I haven't heard any of the rumors. But the few sources I have say he's always well-behaved when I'm not there. So, I don't even have a reason to shout at him. I'm fucking fucked. I had to date the one faithful football player. Just my fucking luck.

Especially after earlier this week. I was looking into his eyes while he was talking and my life flashed before my eyes. I saw a future with him. He was signed with a top team; I was the girlfriend and I stayed because I still felt bad.

It gave me goosebumps and not the good kind and I couldn't even tell him what was on my mind because he gave me those damn doe eyes. It's like he always knows when I'm thinking negatively about us and is always there with his kitten cries.

I can't bear to break his heart.

I'm fucking weak.

Nana would not approve.

I miss my family so much and won't even be able to make it next week for break. I have a mountain of tests and assignments when we come back. It's honestly a wonder I have time for dating at all.

---