Page 49 of The Darkness Within

“‘Cause we’re going to your old hangout? We can go somewhere else. Just say the word.”

“No, ‘cause I feel like I’m not allowed to—” Just forget it.

“You’re not allowed to have fun?” West turns around in his seat to face me. “I get it. I feel like that every fucking day, man. I can’t laugh or smile. I don’t deserve to, as long as they’re lying in the ground. If they can’t enjoy life, why should I? It’s fucking bullshit, Nash. They don’t want me to be miserable. I’m only hurting myself when I do that shit. Don’t punish yourself for something you couldn’t control. You aren’t responsible for his death, and you’re allowed to live. He’d want that.”

Swiping the tears pooling in my eyes, I swallow past the lump in my throat and nod. He fucking gets it.

“We’re all just lost soldiers looking for our unit. You found it, brother. You’re a Bitch. We’ve got you.” Fucking Bitches. My damn nose is running. “Now listen up. When we’re on the track, we’re gonna sandwich those two fuckheads, Stiles and McCormick, between us, and squish the fucking daylights out of ‘em. Got it?”

Now I’m sniffling and nodding. “Got it.” It’s exactly what G and I would have done. My new unit, huh? I could have done worse, I guess.

“I surrendered today. Didn’t realize I was doing it until afterward, when I felt lighter. Hopeful, even. I thought of you. God, Brewer, all I could think of was telling you. I might not have even done it if not for you. The thoughts came back, and I wanted to run so bad, wanted to get high and lose myself, and instead, I opened my mouth and got honest. Is that what it means to surrender?”

His soft breaths are the only sound, a caress in my ear. I can almost feel his presence, even though he’s a floor below me. Brewer’s probably warm in his bed, maybe shirtless, maybe naked, and he’s connected with me, through the phone, through our words. He’s mine for these precious few minutes. All mine.

“I think you finally get it. Did you have a good time today?”

“Yeah, I was able to forget for a few hours. I felt guilty, but then I shed the burden of it and just…lived. I lived for a few hours.”

“I’m so fucking proud of you, Nash.” God, that tiny bit of praise makes me feel invincible. Like I’m capable of anything. “I wish you could feel like you’re living every day.”

“Maybe someday I will.” Only if you’re gonna be there with me.

“Are you going to be okay tonight?”

“No, you should come hold my hand.”

He chuffs, and I can picture his sexy smile. “Goodnight, Nash.”

“Night, Brewer.”

No sooner do I close my eyes than the memories I evaded earlier come rushing back to claim me for the duration of the night, stealing my peace, tainting my dreams. They always find me in my dreams.

“I see you’ve got the hang of knitting.” Riggs nods at the stitched accessory slung around my chest, a lime green body sling that goes over one shoulder and under the other arm. Inside, Valor is nestled against my chest, warm and safe.

“Shit, I can barely cast on my stitches. Mandy made this for me.”

Riggs cracks a smile. “You’re truly one of them now.”

One of them. Even with all the fucked up shit in my head, I still belong somewhere. “Yeah, whatever. What torture are you putting me through today?”

“Today, I’m gonna make you sweat.”

“I can handle sweat.”

“Good, get your ass on that treadmill and start jogging.”

“Jog? Hell, I can barely walk.”

“And you never will if you don’t get on the treadmill and push yourself.”

“What about this thing?” I ask, motioning to my chest.

“Christ,” Riggs complains with a sigh, setting down his clipboard. “I guess I’ll hold your damn cat. Did you have to bring him?”

“He doesn’t like to be alone.”

“I swear to God, you piss me off, and I’ll make you jog an extra mile just for fun.”

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