Page 31 of The Darkness Within

“Are you here for moral support, or are you just gonna sit there and laugh at me?”

Riggs and I exchange a knowing look before I wipe the smirk from my face. “Moral support.” Checking my watch, I add, “We’ve got ten more minutes.”

“Until what?” Nash asks, using the hem of his T-shirt to wipe the sweat from his face.

“You’re not allowed to ask questions, remember? Just follow my lead.”

And ten minutes later, he does. Nash follows me down the long corridor to the classrooms where the support groups are held.

“These guys again?” he gripes.

“We’re gonna try something new today.”

“What group is this?” he asks, following me into the empty classroom next door to where the Bitches with Stitches meet.

“Step-by-step, a support group for recovering veterans.”

“Recovering from what?”

“Don’t ask me questions you already know the answers to. These are recovering addicts.” Nash rolls his eyes. “Keep your feelings to yourself and treat these people with the respect they deserve.”

“It’s not that they don’t deserve my respect, I just don’t want to be here.”

“No, you don’t want to be one of them. You don’t want to admit you have a problem, but I think it’s pretty evident, don’t you?”

Like a child throwing a tantrum, he crosses his arms over his chest and fixes his face with a petulant look. I would laugh if I weren’t so annoyed with him.

Patience, Brewer. He’s in denial, fighting what he knows to be true about himself. You were him once, and people showed you patience. You’re here to give back what was so freely given to you.

Pulling a deep calming breath into my lungs, I take a seat as men and women begin to file in, filling up the empty chairs in the circle.

“I’m Brewer, and I’m a recovering addict. Welcome to Step-by-Step. I’d like to open the meeting with the serenity prayer before we begin sharing.

“God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

One-by-one, they begin to share, checking in with their current mental state, reliving bad days from the past, and telling us how they’re learning to cope now.

One woman shares, “My name is Denise, and I’m an addict. I’ve been having bad dreams lately, all the stuff I did, and even some stuff I didn’t do come back to me every time I close my eyes. And when I’m awake, it’s all I can think about. Especially the stuff I didn’t do. Why is my brain torturing me with things I haven’t done, like I’m paying for mistakes I never made? I’m beginning to obsess over it, and now, it’s all I can think of. I don’t want to live in a dark place each day, but I just can’t get out of my head. I’m stuck in the past. Anyways, thanks for letting me share.”

“Thanks for sharing, Denise. I hope you get with someone after the meeting before you go home. Don’t take that with you. Would anyone else like to share?”

“My name is John and I’m an addict. When I was using, I fucked up my sinuses and my nose, now I can’t breathe for shit. I’ve got to start wearing this CPAP machine at night. I guess I’m paying for the consequences of my addiction, and it fucking sucks. I don’t know, I’m just kind of feeling miserable right now. Thanks for letting me share.”

“Thanks for sharing, John. Sometimes our consequences are paid months and even years after we get clean. It doesn’t always seem fair to continue to suffer after we’ve made a decision to turn our lives around, but it’s reality. I would suggest making a gratitude list of things that ground you in the moment and remind you of all the benefits of your recovery.”

And on and on it goes for a full hour until we close with the serenity prayer again. As we file out, we run into the Bitches who are entering the classroom next door.

“Hey, Sommers, you cheating on us, man?”

“No,” he chuffs. “I’m being held against my will. Save me.”

“Damn, once a POW, always a POW,” Stiles teases. His joke falls flat. “What, too soon? Y’all need to lighten up, fuck.”

Nash watches them leave, and I wonder what he’s feeling, but even if I ask, I don’t think he would tell me the truth.

“Come on, I’ll buy you coffee.”

“They have coffee here,” he points out.

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