Page 80 of The Darkness Within

“Stop. Bend down.” He looks at me curiously. “Put your hands in the water.” I do the same, grabbing handfuls of the dark silky silt from the riverbed, and let it sift through my fingers. Nash copies me. “Feel that? It’s dirt, but it’s so different from the dirt you fear.” Understanding dawns in his sky blue eyes. “We’re not in the desert anymore. We’re home, in North Carolina. The dirt here is different. It’s clean and pure, it’s healing. Things grow and thrive here in this dirt. The desert sand imprisoned you. It took Victor’s life. But this sand is beautiful. It’s a world away from the past, and it has nothing to do with your captivity. This dirt can set you free.”

He scoops up another handful as tears gather in his eyes, making them shine like glass. Nash watches the wet sand fall through his fingers and comes to some sort of epiphany. I can see it in his face as it relaxes, in his shoulders going slack. He raises his eyes to mine, and I see…freedom. He’s finally free. However free he possibly can be.

He’s never looked more tempting.

I only mean to hug him, to just feel him in my arms, to feel his body release the fear and tension it’s been holding onto for months and take a deep breath, but when I get close, Nash’s lips find mine, as natural as breathing. His wet hands wrap around my back, and he releases that freeing breath into my mouth. I soak it up, sealing my lips with his, sliding my tongue along his, careful not to crush the tiny kitten between us, slung across his chest. The sun beats down on my head and shoulders, the cool water swirls around my ankles, burying my toes in the soft sand, and the man in my arms melts into me, fusing his mouth and his body with mine. That’s when I let go, when I give him my heart.

My whole heart, not just pieces of it.

It’s not a conscious decision, it’s not a choice. It just happens.

As natural as breathing.

This kiss isn’t hurried and desperate like the last one.

This kiss is slow and sensual. He explores my mouth, and I take my time memorizing his taste. The feel of his warm skin beneath my fingers. The kiss comes to an end but Nash doesn’t pull away. He buries his face in my neck and breathes me in, and then I feel his body quake with silent sobs. His hands dig into my shoulders. I squeeze him back, keeping him safe as he falls apart. When he’s finished, I’ll pick up the pieces and put him back together again.

I’ll make him whole.

I’ve stayed in much nicer hotels, but when you make a reservation in the middle of summer in the Blue Ridge at the last minute, you can’t expect much. The Motor Court Inn, with its cracked sink and one bed, will have to do. I only pray the sheets are clean.

“Sorry about the bed.”

Nash scoffs. “Yeah, I’m real broken up about it. You might have to go sleep in the car, to protect my virtue, and my recovery.”

Cute. Real cute. “I’ll definitely consider that at bedtime.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” he growls, sounding all playful and possessive and sexy. Nash grips my hips and pulls me into his body. It’s just a hug, but it feels so good.

“You fixed something inside of me today. Something I thought would forever be broken.” My chest tightens, like a heavy weight is crushing me, making it difficult to breathe. Fuck, he’s going to make me cry. “With the loss of my sex drive, I’m starting to realize that intimacy isn’t about sex, it’s about truth. When you find someone you can tell your truth to, when you can bare your soul and know you’re safe with them, that’s intimacy. That’s the kind of shit I held onto when I was down there. When I thought I had nothing left to live for, somewhere in the back of my mind, I’d hoped that if I made it out, I would find that someday with someone. Someone like you. I would find what we have.”

“I…” If I keep going, give into the exchange of feelings, allow him to keep touching me, it’s a forgone conclusion where we’ll end up. “Let’s get unpacked and figure out dinner.”

I try to take a step back, but Nash doesn’t let go. Disappointment is written all over his face. I hate that I put it there, but that’s not what I brought him here for this weekend. Yes, I wanted to be close to him, sneak a few unguarded moments, maybe even steal a couple of kisses, but no more than that. This weekend was about healing Nash from the inside out, or the outside in.

It wasn’t about declarations of feelings and love and sex and intimacy.

Before he lets me go, Nash pulls me in for another hug. He buries his scruffy cheek in my neck. I get it. I don’t ever want to let go either, but every time he touches me, it escalates quickly, from zero to sixty in less than a second. Just enough time for me to lose my head.

How am I going to get through the entire night sleeping beside him? Without touching him? Without kissing him?

Nash disappears into the bathroom with his toiletry kit and his plant, because he swears it loves the steam, and I hear the shower come on. He leaves the door cracked a couple of inches, and a cloud of thick steam billows out. It conjures images of his hard body, wet and soapy, getting pounded by the hot spray.

What I wouldn’t give to join him.

“I think I figured out where we can go for dinner,” he calls out.

Grateful for the distraction, I ask, “What do you have in mind?” I’ll take him anywhere he wants to go. A steakhouse, seafood, Italian. He hasn’t indulged in good food in almost two years.

“McDonald’s. I hear they have the fanciest McDonald’s right outside of the Biltmore estate, and I’ve always wanted to check it out.”

In a million years, I never would have guessed that would be his choice. Of all the places he could have chosen, McDonald’s? Speaking of the Biltmore estate, he has no idea what I have planned for him tomorrow. But if all he wants is a greasy burger and some overly salty fries, who am I to say no?

“Anyone ever tell you you’re a cheap date?”

“As long as I’m your date, I don’t care what else you call me,” he responds.

My lips twist into a silly grin. I love his answer. He’s just so easy to please, and the things he says, about wanting to be mine, stroke my ego in the best ways.

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