Page 58 of The Darkness Within

“Point to something and then go wait in the car while I check out.”

As my panic starts to rise and the smell in my nose becomes stronger, more potent, my eyes settle on a plant. The perfect plant. A thick, woodsy, braided trunk, dark, green leaves, not too fancy or too plain.

“That one,” I point out.

“All right, go. I’ll take care of it.”

When he emerges from the nursery carrying my plant, I’m sitting on the metal bench outside the store, bent over with my head between my knees, rocking my body to stave off the rising nausea.

Mandy takes a seat beside me. “You good?”

“I think so.”

In through my nose, hold it for the count of three, out through my mouth. In through my nose, hold for the count of three, out through my mouth. Rinse and repeat, until my heart rate slows, and my mouth isn’t filled with saliva, which is usually what happens right before I empty my stomach.

“I think I would have lost it if you weren’t with me.”

“No problem. I’m glad I was here.”

“What the fuck am I even doing?” I ask, sitting up. I scrub my hand over my face. Take another deep breath. “I’m worried about keeping a plant alive and dating? I can’t even make it through a store without falling apart.”

“It’s not a big deal. I have setbacks all the time.”

“You do?”

“Oh yeah. I think the worst is when I make kids cry because they’re scared of my face.” My gaze runs over the thick red scar tissue covering the left side of Mandy’s face, a souvenir from the war. “I don’t mind when they ask questions or ask their moms questions about my face, like I’m not even standing there, they’re just kids. But when they look genuinely scared of me?” His face tightens, and Mandy just looks…sad. “Yeah, that fucks me up. Compared to that, the flashbacks are nothing. Just a few moments lost from my life that I didn’t want back anyways.”

His cavalier attitude about the flashbacks rewrites a lot of my internal bias against myself and PTS. He’s right, it’s just a few moments of my life lost. In the grand scheme of things, it’s a drop in the bucket. Remembering those awful memories is going to happen either way, whether I lose time or not.

“How do you deal with that?”

His scars twist the left side of his smile into a grimace. “I remind myself that I’m a good man, I’m a good friend, and that I have a good heart that isn’t scarred and burned like my face. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve good things, and so do you. Come on, Nash,” he emphasizes, clapping me on the back, “we paid the ultimate price. We deposited all of our coins in the karma bank. It’s time for some good shit to come our way.”

How in the fuck does he stay so positive after everything he’s suffered? “You really think I can do this?”

“Hell yeah, you’re a fucking soldier. A warrior. This is nothing. You got this.”

“I meant what I said. On the phone. I want to be there when you have your surgery. Even if I’m just sitting in the waiting room with West. I can’t count how many times you’ve shown up for me, and it’s time I deposit a few coins in my karma bank and give back.”

“I’d like that. Just don’t call yourself my nutter buddy. He takes that shit real serious.” Mandy laughs.

“I didn’t think you were serious when you asked to bring the cat and the plant,” Brewer confesses, staring at the leafy potted plant taking up most of the available table space.

Scooting my chair closer to the table, I’m careful not to bump Valor, slung across my chest and sleeping. “What else would I have done with them?”

“Maybe leave the plant in the car?”

“It’s too hot in there. It could wilt.”

Brewer eyes me cautiously. “You’re really taking this seriously, aren’t you?”

Wanting to make my point without also making an obvious declaration, I stare right into his eyes. “You have no idea how serious I’m taking this.”

You have no idea how serious I am about you.

“Well, that’s good, I guess. When we get home, we’ll find a good spot on the back deck.”

“Hell no!” Brewer looks startled at my outburst. “I mean, it’s too risky. Anything could happen to Leif outside.”

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