Page 27 of Proof Of Life

“Fuck you, fucker! I’m not a fucking cripple!”

It’s a good thing I’m standing behind him and he can’t see my smirk, ‘cause I’m sure he’d wipe it off my face with his fist. “Exactly! You’ve got an extension on your leg that makes it work perfectly fine, so get your ass up those stairs. Now.”

He begins his struggle to ascend again, but I halt him, slamming his back against the wall with my hand on his chest.

“What the fuck?” he cries.

Getting right up in his face, I warn, “The next time you call yourself weak, I’m gonna show you just how much stronger I am than you. Maybe the cripple likes to be dominated?”

West pushes back, cursing me, his face scrunched with anger.

But I just laugh, making him angrier. “You’re so much fun when you’re pissed off.”

He pushes me aside and grabs the handrail to continue pulling himself up, step-by-step, but he falters when I smack his ass, turning back to glare at me so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t burn me alive.

In the end, he gets to the top of the landing. It might have taken forty-five minutes, but he did it—on his own. Tough love is exactly what he needs.

Everybody loves a hero.

The truth is, most heroes can’t stand themselves. Most heroes are chased by demons, haunted by memories of the good deed they did until it turns into a nightmare.

You can’t appreciate Heaven until you’ve crawled through Hell on your hands and knees.

I’ve been to Hell, I’ve crawled on my hands and knees, but that doesn’t make me a hero. I’m just a soldier, or at least, I was… Now, I don’t know what I am.

And this certainly isn't Heaven.

I’m not scheduled to meet with Riggs for another twenty minutes. Brandt is meeting with his therapist, mandated by his CO. I wheel my chair to the edge of the pool and look down into the clear blue water. There’s no one here but me. The smell of the chlorine has become a familiar comfort to me, something I associate with floating—feeling free—being held by safe, strong arms. Brandt’s arms. Sunlight filters through the dirty windows, reflecting off the water like glitter. The ripples create moving shadows that dance along the concrete walls. It's almost pretty.

It’s now or never.

I take a deep breath and check the Velcro straps on the weight bags tied to my chair. On the exhale, I tug at my seatbelt to make sure it’s fastened tight. I've got one shot at this, and I can’t blow it. I’m not sure how many more chances Brandt will give me. He watches me like a hawk. For the past week, he’s cut my pain meds in half. He insists on shaving me himself, because he can’t trust me with a razor. The sliding glass door to my balcony is now padlocked.

By the time Riggs or anyone else finds me, I’ll be long gone.

Maybe I’ll be at peace. Maybe I’ll burn in hell. But I’ll be gone.

Releasing the brake, I push my chair forward and plunge into the deep end of the pool. The weight of my chair and the weights tied to it take me straight to the bottom. The water is a cooling caress around my ruined body, and I look up toward the surface, toward life, and release the air from my lungs. A rush of tiny bubbles bathe my face as they escape, but I’m content to stay where I am. In a few minutes, I too will escape.

My chest tightens, and I fight the natural urge to take a deep breath. Maybe I should. Lungfuls of water will only kill me faster. But my brain resists. That primal part of me that wants to live, that’s screaming out for me to save myself. Fight or flight. My blood thickens with adrenaline and my mind races in a panic.

I’m sorry, Brandt. So fucking sorry.

I made him a promise that I’m breaking right now.

But in a minute, I won’t even care anymore. I’ll never have to care about anything again. No more carrying the weight of other people's burdens. No more suffering. No more pain.

I can’t hold out any longer, and I breathe in a mouthful of water, silently choking as I embrace the death I deserve.

My head throbs and my throat burns. Black shadows creep around the edges of my vision, and my eyeballs feel as if they’re going to burst.

And then there’s nothing but silence. Peace.

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