Page 44 of Don't Quit the Day Job

"Not Magic Mike!"

"Girl, he's got the body of Magic Mike, but the face of fricking Brad Pitt, but cuter."

"He sounds very delicious."

"He is, and that's why I can only work there for a month or so, because he's either going to drive me crazy or I'm going to have my wicked way with him, and neither one of us is going to want that."

"If you're feeling him that much, why don't you just have your wicked way with him? I mean, when we spoke earlier..." She pauses. "Nothing happened, did it, since we spoke earlier?"

"No, Zara. I'm not the wicked whore of the east."

"Did you just say the wicked whore of the east?"

"Well, yeah. Wouldn't that be kind of a cool name?"

"I could just see it on Broadway," she says. "Lila Haversham starring in The Wicked Whore of the East."

"With my co-star Max Spector as the timid scarecrow."

Zara starts laughing. "Oh my gosh. If I ever meet him, all I'm going to think about is a timid scarecrow."

I giggle. "He doesn't really look like a timid scarecrow, but once the wicked whore of the east has had her wicked way with him, he'll be one."

"It sounds like you've really thought about this a lot, Lila."

"I totally haven't, I promise. I literally just made it up in my head."

"So you're not going to have your wicked way with him?"

"No, because knowing me, I'd be the one that got burned and I do not have time for heartache right now, especially after Hank."

"Girl, he did not leave you in heartache," Zara says, and I can tell she's rolling her eyes. She couldn't stand Hank.

"No, he didn't leave me in heartache, but I did feel a little bit used and I did feel?—"

"Girl, you only made out with him. It's not like you guys had sex."

"I know, and he wasn't even a good kisser. He's lucky he got my lips on his." I burst out laughing. "Anyway, I want to do way more with Max than kiss. Not that I would ever tell him that."

"You should see..."

"No, Zara. I'm not going to see anything. Anyway, I have to get up early tomorrow because I guess I have to go and get my boss a bagel and coffee before I get to work."

"You're going to do it?"

"Oh, girl. Of course I'm going to do it. I'm going to be the best little employee he's ever had so that when I leave in a month, he's going to regret the day he was ever rude to me and made fun of me and acted like I sucked."

"He did not act like you suck."

"I mean, he didn't say I suck, but he and I both know that I am not the best assistant on the market." I giggle. "Like I said before, I don't really know why he hired me. I don't really care why he hired me, but it's just weird."

"It is weird," she says. "Did you ask him?"

"I did ask him and he didn't really say. Maybe I'll ask again tomorrow?"

"No, girl," Zara says. "You don't want to give him an excuse to say, ‘oh, you know what? I regret the decision’ and fire you before you ever get those first two paychecks."

"That's true," I say. "That would be the last thing I need. Anyway, I'm going to go and wash my face and maybe I'll look to see if there are any other auditions coming up. I love you, Zara."

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