Page 25 of Kayak Girl

As we reached the top, Gray introduced me to Ivan, a tall and lean man with a strong jawline and piercing dark blue eyes. His sandy blonde hair was tousled, giving him a laid-back surfer look. “Ivan, this is Estelle Knight. You can blame her for me borrowing your kayak all the time,” Gray said with a chuckle. “Ivan and I have been buddies for years.”

I felt a bit self-conscious as I reached out my hand toward Ivan because I’d sort of met him last week. He leaned in, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiled, and took my hand in his. “I remember you. I was the lifeguard on duty last Saturday. Nice to meet you, Estelle,” he said warmly.

“You too,” I said, secretly delighted that Gray was introducing me to his people.

Gray ushered me out with his hand on the small of my back. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t lean into his touch just a smidge.

Within the next twenty minutes, we were out on the open water of the bay. Gray and I glided effortlessly through the still water, our kayaks moving in perfect harmony, as if they were an extension of ourselves. The bay was a tranquil haven, its glassy surface reflecting the ethereal clouds above. It was as if we were paddling through a painting, each stroke of our oars creating ripples that danced around us.

As we paddled side by side, I stole a glance at Gray. The rising sun illuminated his face, casting a warm glow that seemed to highlight the strength of his features. I’d forgotten how nice it was to have a companion on a paddle, and my heart swelled with happiness.

“Can I ask you a question?” I said.

“Sure.”

“How come you wanted to join me today, but you turned me down the last time I invited you?”

“You won’t like my answer,” Gray said, and just carried on paddling like he was content to let that be his response. I used my oar to splash him.

“Come on, tell me. Please.”

“Only if you promise not to get cross with me?”

“Ooh, now I am intrigued. Out with it.”

“Fine. I joined you today because I was worried about you. Not because I doubt your skills—you’re incredibly capable, and I admire that. But the sea... it’s unpredictable, and the thought of you out here alone… I even worried about you last Saturday, if you can believe that. Plus… today… I just wanted to spend time with you.”

Gray’s words did the opposite of making me angry. They warmed my heart. “I think it’s sweet that you worry about me. I mean, I know how to do things solo. It comes naturally, as I’ve invariably had to be the responsible one since I was little. But it’s kind of nice to be worried about,” I said with a light-hearted laugh to disguise the sudden emotion gathering in my throat.

“What do you mean you had to be responsible?”

“Let’s just say I didn’t have a good home situation growing up.”

“Care to elaborate?”

I almost didn’t answer Gray. An awkward silence filled the space between us. But he just waited. I surprised myself a moment later when I started talking. “I grew up with an abusive dad and I had to look after my sister and mom,” I said.

Speaking about my dad ushered in a memory from my childhood. In my mind’s eye, I could see myself lying on the floor in my bedroom with my legs resting on my bed. My carpet was scratchy, so I don’t know why I lay on it. But I would lie there dreaming up extravagant plans for my life. Eight-year-old me would imagine being an artist and moving people to tears with my dynamic work.

Or I thought I could be a scientist and develop cures for all the world’s diseases. Sometimes I even toyed with the idea of marrying a doctor and together we could change the world. In my mind’s eye I could see eight-year-old Elle smiling to herself, happy in her own little world. Happy until the sound of shattering glass ruined everything good.

The rest of my memory happened in slow motion as I ran to my sister’s room across the hall. I almost bumped into my dad as he stormed towards the kitchen with a broken beer bottle in his hand. My heart pounded in my chest as I expected the worst. I entered Becky’s room and time stood still as I saw my baby sister, standing next to the wall with broken glass near her feet, big tears rolling down her chubby cheeks. She looked up at me as if I was her hero and, in that moment, I knew I had to forget my fanciful dreams and accept the responsibility in front of me. I had to protect Becky. The responsibility was heavy and unwelcome, but what choice did I have?

My new role was incredibly lonely. I longed for someone to confide in. But I had to be strong for Becky and Mom. Normal kids had parents who would shield them from the stresses of adult life. Normal parents hugged their children and told them that everything would be okay. My family was not normal.

I shook my head to loosen the clutches of the past on the present moment and focused on the horizon. Gray waited silently, and I assumed he meant for me to continue. I cleared my throat. “It got bad when I was eight years old and even worse when Dad’s relationship with alcohol deepened. I tried to protect Becky and Mom to the best of my ability. But you know how it goes. Even after my parents got divorced, I had to hold everything together when my mom fell apart. So yeah, I’ve had practice being the worrier. Not so much being worried about.”

I chanced a glance at Gray. He looked horrified. Oh dear. “Sorry, that was TMI. I don’t know why I told you that.” I twisted away from him, not wanting to see the repulsion in his eyes.

“Elle,” Gray said softly and reached over to pull my kayak up next to his. “You didn’t overshare. Please look at me.”

I hadn’t gathered my composure yet, so I disregarded his request.

“Elle, I am so sorry you went through that. It breaks my heart to think of your dad hurting you. I feel sick about it. If you protected Becky, does that mean you took the brunt of the abuse?”

Gray’s question took me off guard. No one had ever asked me that before. I looked his way. Our eyes met. I couldn’t verbally answer Gray’s question, but I knew he could see the answer in my eyes.

“Oh Elle, I am so sorry. You never should have had to be in that position. I wish I could have protected you from him. Wow, I hate that you went through that.”

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