Page 14 of Hunter's Trial

The very last thing that I ever want to do is bring any of that fear home to my daughter. If I could put the pair of us in a protective bubble and still have her emerge a well-adjusted and worldly young woman, I would. That, however, is not possible. I refuse to let her grow up to be afraid of the world. It is my job to teach her to make better choices than I did. She can follow her heart, like I did, but she also has to use her mind.

I turn the music off before turning into my subdivision. Just a normal house on a normal block. It feels… unfitting somehow. Even as I pull into the driveway and cut the engine off, the weight of today starts to fully settle into my bones. First Nikolai and whatever the hell that was that happened between us. A lapse in sanity perhaps? A desperate need to feel anything that isn’t such gut clenching fear? Seeing Alek and Anya together and how well they have settled into their new lives and their budding family was a lot to take in. Too much. I need my bed and a stiff drink to ensure that the nightmares will keep away.

But, that’s not in the cards for me. Not yet anyway.

Instead of that, I have to put on the same polite smile and head inside to talk to the people that I currently need most, Horus and my babysitter. The lights in the kitchen are still glowing a buttery yellow as I inhale sharply through my nose in an attempt to steady myself. I unpeel my clenched hands from the steering wheel and head inside as the picture of professionalism. Liz is long asleep, of course. Seated at the small kitchen table are Horus and the babysitter. My simple kettle is still steaming between them and they both have mugs of tea steeping in front of them. The moment Horus spots me, he rises to stand with a soft smile on his face. He gestures to the seat beside him with an open palm.

“You’re home, would you like some tea?”

There is a downturned mug on the table waiting for me to flip it over and fill it with hot water. Any other day I think I would have been happy to spend an hour or two talking about Liz’ day and catching up with a nice cup of tea soothing my nerves. Cathartic. Most days.

I guess Horus can see something to that effect on my face, because his arm lowers and he checks his watch. “Actually, I’m overdue to make my next report.” He turned to the babysitter. “Shall I walk you to your door?”

The obviously smitten girl perks right up and nods. I think she might have actually swooned when Horus extended his arm for her to take like a proper gentleman does. She is only too happy to step up and allow herself to be escorted out. I am not sure if Horus is just very good at observing people or if he truly does need to make a report, but I’m grateful either way.

I know that he will be waiting outside in his car, watching the house if I need him. It’s comforting to know that he’s there. I would invite him to sleep on the couch, like I have other nights, but he would just decline. Besides, I am in desperate need of some breathing room. I peel off my jacket and let it drop to the floor at the same time as my purse and attaché case. I leave them there, forgotten, and pull my shirt free before unbuttoning the top few buttons of my silk shirt to make myself a bit more comfortable. There’s just one whiskey bottle in the house, that I keep in the cabinet above the fridge for nights like these. Nights where it will be absolutely impossible for my demons to stop hunting me otherwise. I pull it out and take a deep swig as I kick off my high heels and saunter down the single hallway that will lead to the guest bathroom, my daughter’s room, and finally my own room. The cheap carpeting feels annoying under my stocking covered feet. My fingers trail over the rough wallpaper as I head to the cracked door of Liz’s bedroom. This whole place is okay to live in, but it needs a desperate makeover. I can’t help but wonder if someday I will get the chance to live in a great big house like the one that Alek and Anya live in. I hope so. Liz deserves everything that I can give her and then some. Hers is the only room that I’ve taken the time to decorate. I chose this house because it was in a good, quiet neighborhood and it was dirt cheap to rent. That’s all that mattered at the time. As soon as all of this business with Nikolai is wrapped up, I can move on to my next goals. The job will more than cover the money needed to move and with Alek’s promised protection - I can finally sleep peacefully.

At least I hope so.

Liz is sleeping peacefully in her bed, the yellow and pink quilt pulled all the way up to her chin, her messy hair splayed out over her pillow. Her bed is surrounded by no less than a dozen of her favorite new stuffed animals, while her nightlight paints pictures of a happy forest over her walls and ceiling in a spinning motion. She’s blissfully unaware of the world around her as she sleeps. I hope that never changes.

The incident with her father isn’t one that we speak about. A ghost between us that neither one of us wants to look at directly. I know that someday we will have to talk about it, but right now I know that she understands this was the right move to make.

Taking another swig of my whiskey, I pull her door shut with a soft click before heading back to the living room and scooping my laptop out of my case and plopping it a touch too roughly down onto the kitchen table. I should clean up. I should finish doing the dishes or the dozen or so other household tasks that I’m behind on, but the only thing that I’m going to finish today is this appeal letter. That’s the only thing standing between me and a scalding hot shower and the bliss of my bed.

I need to expedite Nikolai’s trial. Alek and family being on board with their testimonies should make things easier. It’s more than a little dishonest, but who the hell am I to judge? It’s going to be a little lie that unlocks my whole entire future. Anya and Henry are the only ones who truly deserved to have a say in all of this.

I pause for a moment, my fingers hovering over the keys. Henry is Nikolai’s biological son. One that he’s only met once under terrible circumstances. Is that something that he’s going to try to fix in the future? Is it truly any of my business? Should I even care? I think if it were me, I would move heaven and earth to ensure that I had a relationship with my daughter. It would be the only reason that I woke up in the morning.

I glance at the whiskey as unwelcome tears start to well in my eyes.

Guess that’s enough of that.

I can’t exactly imagine Nikolai as a father.

Then again, I can’t stop thinking about him.

Focus Kate.

I finish the letter and send it off to the judge assigned to Nikolai’s case, hoping for the best come morning. There should be a letter about the trial date being moved up significantly given the imminent threat to his health and well-being. I don’t think that he will survive in there if they keep the original court date. Then again, Nikolai doesn’t seem like the sort of man to stay down for long.

Why can’t I get him out of my head?

He’s just a client. That’s what I’m going to keep telling myself. It doesn't matter what his hands felt like on my body, or how I can’t stop imagining the grit of his calluses around the soft skin of my neck… on my breasts… between my thighs. Just how far would things have gone today if I hadn’t come to my senses?

My nipples are painfully hard as I pull off my shirt and bra. The cold air bites into my skin as I head into the bathroom. I know good and damned well what I’m going to spend the shower doing if I actually head in there. I let the rest of my clothes slide off my body and leave them in a pile on the floor. I should have brought my whiskey with me after all.

I crawl into bed without bothering to peel my stockings from my legs. Suddenly everything that isn’t pulling my sheets up over my head is too much work. It’s too labor intensive and I need to be weightless in the plush coverings of my bed. The giant duvet and expensive mattress are the only things that I’ve splurged on for myself. That and the damned security system that never made me feel as secure as knowing that Horus is out there watching.

Maybe Horus would be willing to scratch this particular itch that I’m having.

I just want to feel like I'm inhabiting my own body again. I want to erase the fact that Billy’s hands have ever touched me. So far, no matter how many men I sleep with, it’s not making a difference.

Nikolai’s face swims to mind.

No tentative touches from him. He would be the sort of man to take charge, I just know it. I could just imagine him laying me onto this very bed, his possessive and strong hands roaming my entire body. I’ve had to be the one in control with the last handful of men that I’ve had carnal relations with. It’s all well and good but I can’t even imagine what it might be like to have the freedom to just… shut my mind off. I just want to make all of the chaos stop for a little while.

Like it did when I kissed him earlier.

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