Page 53 of The Desire

Once Elouise and I are in the Range Rover and driving down the long gravel drive of Nic’s estate to get back onto the main road, she slips her hand over the console and just lays it on my thigh.

No words are spoken, and I want to tell her to take it away, but I just can’t.

The warmth that I can feel even through my jeans is calming. My heart that is beating so strong and fiercely is now trying to match the slower consistent stroking of her thumb back and forth on my leg. It’s like she knows the rhythm that I need to see through the testosterone fog that is bubbling in my body.

Why can’t I control this? I know I can’t have her, and she told me I can’t touch her, yet here she is putting herself in a situation she doesn’t want just because she can see straight through me.

Vulnerability is not a quality I possess, and yet her body language is begging me to lay my feelings all out for her. I can’t do that when I don’t know what they are.

This is why I can’t do relationships.

I’m fucked up, and there is nothing that can change that.

Believe me, I’ve tried, and the only thing that gets close to it is jumping off some cliff and feeling the wind rush around me at the possibility I might die or to spend time with Cherie, and that’s the least healthy option of the two. And that’s saying something when there’s a strong possibility I could die in the first option.

If I was alone in the car, my speed would have been faster, but with precious cargo, I won’t do anything that will risk either of them.

The trip was long, but finally pulling into the driveway, I hadn’t realized until she lifted her hand that Elouise had been touching me all this time. Looking across at her now, I just see concern.

I’m not ready to talk about it, so jumping out of the car, I head around to get Blaise out, when my father also starts slowly gliding my sleepy mother out of their car. The drive obviously put her to sleep, and I’m thankful that I don’t have to continue the conversation with her tonight. By the morning, she will be too busy with Blaise, and I will step into the background again.

Carrying Blaise straight upstairs to his bedroom, Elouise follows me, but I shoo her away. He can just sleep in his clothes tonight, because I don’t want to disturb his peaceful sleep that he seems to be enjoying. Just pulling off his shoes and socks, I drag the blanket over him and lean down, and I kiss him on the forehead like I do every night.

Thank goodness I have put Mum and Dad in the bedroom downstairs because of Dad’s bad knee that he tries to hide from us all. It’s old rugby injuries that are catching up with him as he ages, but he will never admit it.

After checking on them and saying good night to Dad as he is about to help Mum into bed, I close the door behind them and head toward the front door. Placing my hand on the doorknob to open it to leave again, my brain stops me from turning it.

I’m angry, frustrated, and worked up, but none of that is with Elouise. I should at least tell her I’m leaving again and that I will be back later.

Stomping up the stairs, I’m now standing outside her room, but what do I tell her? I can’t tell her where I’m going because that’s just fucked up. Besides, I can’t bear being witness to the disappointment she will have in me and another reason for her to put on her never-ending list why she can’t be with me.

Tapping not overly loudly on the door because I don’t want to wake Blaise, I hear her movement coming from the other side of the room. The door opens and reveals her standing there looking flushed.

“Rem, come in.” Her voice is breathy, and it’s then I notice she is holding the shirt that she had on tonight, the two sides scrunched together in her hands because her buttons are undone.

I can’t help my eyes from dropping to her nipples that are hard and pushing against her shirt.

This woman is going to be the death of me.

She’s standing here in front of me with no bra on, and the longer I stay here, the more her cheeks pink up nicely. I know that if I slid my hand into her pants, she’d be wet, and I shouldn’t even be thinking about her nice bare pussy, but I can’t stop my brain from going there.

“No. I’m leaving. Be back later.” Because if I stand here any longer then I’m going to do the very thing she forbid me to do in those stupid boundaries she set me.

Moving to leave, her hand is on my arm, pulling me into the room, with the door closing behind me. She isn’t strong enough to push me around, but catching me off guard and the zing of electricity that hit me as soon as she touched me, she has me almost falling into her room.

Righting myself as she tries to catch me, both her hands have let go of her shirt and now her cleavage is on full show and the shirt is just barely hanging over the nipples, but it doesn’t matter. It’s enough for my cock that is already hard to let me know he wants in on this.

“Talk to me, Rem. You look like you are about to explode.”

If only she knew how close, I really am. I know I’m better not saying anything.

“Flynn was just joking, he knows...” El steps closer to me, and it forces me back against the wall.

His name is all I need to hear to stop me from holding my thoughts in any longer.

I wrap my arm tightly around her back and drag her against my body.

“He can’t have you…” My teeth are grinding together. “And you tell me I can’t have you either. But don’t expect me to be happy about sitting back and watching him think he can.”

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