Page 26 of The Desire

“What the fuck, is that what you think of me? Jesus, El. I’m not hiring you to be my prostitute!” I burst out, standing and running my hand through my hair. She must think I’m such a dick to ever treat her like that.

“That didn’t come out right. I didn’t mean that, no, sorry. I never meant that. God, I’m so bad at this.”

“Well, let me help you. You are not the hired fucking help, you are a friend who I’m paying to help me with my totally fucked-up life. And I would never ever treat you like that, damn it. I don’t use women like that, and I would hope you think more of me than that, otherwise maybe this is a mistake.” I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut. It’s like the memories of my ex, Shannon, from years ago are flooding back into my head. Accusations being thrown around about me that were far from the truth.

“No, Rem, please, I’m sorry. I just meant like last night you needed comfort, and I get that, but it can’t be me. It’s too hard. Plus, it will confuse Blaise.”

Taking a deep breath, I can see how upset she is, and her cheeks are flushed from embarrassment. Well, at least that’s what I think it’s from.

“Look, El, I told you that night, I don’t do relationships in any shape or form,” I say, trying to make sure she understands that I was serious about that. It’s been over ten years since I tried a relationship, and I’m never going there again. It’s just not worth it.

“And I don’t do friends with benefits, so we are on the same page. Let’s leave it at that and move on.”

I want to say more, but she’s right, we need to move on.

There is silence for a moment while we both digest what was said, and then she says in her soft voice, the one that does something to me that it shouldn’t, what I have been desperately waiting to hear.

“Now we agree on all that, then yes, I’ll help you, but only for a year, and then I go back to my old life, and you will continue confidently on with your life with Blaise. Deal?” She stands in front of me with her hand outstretched for me to take in mine.

I’m still rocked by what she said, but I’m desperate to finally sort this out.

Taking her hand which is much warmer now, I say, “Deal, and El…” I can feel a sense of warmth through my body as the panic that has been filling me since yesterday is finally settling somewhat.

“Yes?”

“I can never thank you enough for this. I’m truly grateful.” I know it’s the wrong thing to do, but the sheer relief has me pulling her into my arms and hugging her tightly. There is no one else I would want to struggle through this shit show with, and I want her to know that.

Feeling her trying to pull back a little, changing the subject seems like the right thing to do.

“Now, let’s eat. I’m famished, and I think there is a little boy out there that was looking for you earlier.” Stepping back, it feels right to put the respectful distance between us that friends would have.

If there is one thing I’m good at, it’s compartmentalizing and keeping things in the right boundaries. So being just friends means that that is the last time I will have El in my arms.

“Sounds like a plan.” She gazes at me with a look that is almost one of longing, then she shakes her head a little and walks from the room.

My eyes drop to her cute ass that her jeans fit snuggly.

Fuck, don’t start that shit!

Friends.

Line drawn.

Don’t step over it.

After finally sorting out the contracts last night with El and sending them off to my lawyer, he then turned up at the house this morning with the final copy for her to sign and the package that we have all been waiting for. The one that feels like it is a bomb encased in an envelope.

I told him I would open it later. I just wanted all the papers with El signed, and the rest, I’m already certain I know the answer.

But now I’m sitting here, watching Blaise playing with Adeline on the floor and staring down at the envelope in my hand. Even though I’m certain of the answer inside, I can’t seem to open it. I don’t know why.

Feeling the couch beside me dip, I turn to El as she sits next to me and places her hand on my thigh.

“It’s okay, no matter what it says, I’m here for you.”

I stare straight ahead at Blaise. “But what if he’s not mine?” I whisper, and my real fear is coming out. I didn’t want kids, but the shock is that now I’m not ready to let him go. How did that even happen?

“Then we work it out. Either way he needs you to be his father, biologically or not. Camille wanted you to raise him. We will make sure that happens.” How is El so smart and practical, and here I am, a complete mess.

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