Page 14 of The Desire

Standing in the kitchen and looking out into the dark of the night, all I can think about is poor Camille. She was a gentle soul and loved her simple life in the mountains. What an awful thing to happen and for poor Blaise to lose his mother so young. I remember her laugh was so happy and bright. She didn’t seem to see any bad in the world. I don’t even know much about her family, but I assume if she has sent Blaise to me then there is no one else she trusts to take care of him. Or maybe she wanted more for him. She knew I lived in London and traveled the world looking for adventures. To a goat herder from the mountains of France, maybe that seemed like a dream she would like to see her son experiencing too. I guess we will never know. Fuck, I wish I knew French. If he is my son, how the hell am I going to communicate with him?

A wave of grief washes over me, and I know I can’t ignore it.

“Camille, if you can hear me. Even if he isn’t mine, I will make sure he is okay. I will watch over him until he can navigate this world on his own. I promise I will fulfill your wish. He will be safe.” Closing my eyes, I let that settle over me.

I might not want kids, but I could never stand by and let one struggle through life on his own when I have the means to make sure he’s okay. That would just be cruel and that’s one thing I’m not. I might be arrogant, self-centered, and an asshole most of the time, but I will never watch someone struggle when they don’t deserve it.

Hearing her gentle footsteps on the floorboards, I know Elouise is behind me.

And as much as I have distanced myself from her, I could really use her comfort tonight. Just the softness of holding her in my arms would be calming, but I’m trying not to admit I’m actually craving more.

ELOUISE

Hearing Rem talking about the poor woman he met years ago almost breaks my heart.

We all picture him as the muscle in the group, our protector. But who is going to protect him now from his own emotional turmoil? As much as I hate being in the friend zone with him, he needs me, and I can’t turn my back on him. Even if he tries to push me away like he did everyone else tonight, I won’t let him. He is just as vulnerable as Blaise is now. Men are great at putting walls up, but I see through that and won’t let him drown in his own panic. Because that is what he is doing on the inside, I’m sure. His distancing is a perfect indicator.

Standing behind him now in my comfy jeans, top, and bare feet, my hair hanging down, I feel more myself. I’m not wearing the mask of the socialite that I put on to pretend when we are out together or at the big functions Tori constantly invites me to.

Turning to face me, he is still in his suit pants, but the jacket is long gone, along with the tie, discarded when he was installing the camera. His shirt is partly undone and the sleeves rolled up. His bare feet are doing something weird to my brain and are just the perfect final detail of making him look irresistible. For God’s sake, they’re just feet, but there is something about arriving home and kicking off your shoes that makes you relax; I know because I’m the same. It’s grounding.

Leaning back against the sink, he rests his hands on the edge of the counter.

“Are they settled okay up there? Do they need anything else?” He’s talking but isn’t really with me.

“Yes, they are both snoring comfortably in the bed. Adeline kept telling me how grateful she is for the help.” As I walk a few steps closer, he doesn’t move, just keeps looking at me, bewildered.

“Are you okay?” A few more steps and I’m in front of him. Toe to toe.

“No,” he whispers, and at least he’s being honest.

Wrapping my arms around his waist and laying my head on his chest, I hold him as tight as I can. His body is rigid, his hands still not moving, knuckles whitening as he holds onto the counter tighter.

“Let it out, Rem, it will help, I promise. It’s just us, and you know it’ll stay between us.” The thought of the secret we’re already keeping is the triggering moment for him.

He stands up straighter, taking my body with him. His arms enclose me, his head dropping into the curve of my neck, and I can feel him breathing fast. I just run my hands up and down his back to let him know that I’m here and I won’t let him go. If it were me, I would be releasing a bucketful of tears, but being the strong man he’s trying to be, instead he is battling to breathe through his emotions.

After a few minutes, he finally lifts his head and rests his forehead on mine.

“What if he is my son?” Six words of utter fear come from his lips, but I know deep down he thinks he is. And God, you only need to take one look at Blaise to see he is a mini Remington.

“Worse, what if he’s not? Because your heart has already been sending out feelings that first moment you looked at him.” I think he would be a little broken, although he doesn’t realize it yet, if the DNA test came back that he is not the father.

Our hearts and minds work in ways we don’t understand and can’t control at times, and this is certainly one of them.

“What the fuck am I going to do, El? I don’t know how to be a father.” That’s the first time he has ever called me El, and I have to admit, I kind of like it. It’s just ours, no one else’s, just Rem and me.

“No one does when they first begin. But just think of the upside. You don’t have to do shitty nappies and middle-of-the-night feeds,” I say, trying to break the seriousness of his fear now that he has let it out.

A small, very small chuckle releases from him, and then the biggest sigh.

“Thank you for staying. I need you.” I know he doesn’t mean that the way I want him to, but I’ll take it anyway. To be honest, it would be the worst time to take this out of the friend zone. I would never know if it was because he wanted more or just because he needed me to hold him up through this.

“You don’t need me. I know you would work it out if I weren’t here, but I’m happy to help.” I step back a little from him, because I think distance would be a good thing right now.

His hands move to my shoulders.

“You speaking in French like that is sexy as fuck. You could talk dirty like that to me anytime.” The darkness in his eyes is not a good sign. I need to shut this down right now.

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