Page 57 of Love's Hot

I can’t bear to shower together this morning. It’s just going to be too hard. I send her in to shower on the promise I’ll make her breakfast. It’s the least I can do before we have the talk. The one I’m dreading. The one that sucks big time. The one that’s going to kill us both. The worst part is that I can’t tell her the truth, so she’s just going to think I’m an asshole and not worth the air I’m breathing. I only pray deep down her soul remembers the real me. Then one day it reminds her when I can finally let her in to the truth where I’ve been.

I’ll never fall into this trap again. I need to stay in my own world, just using Xavier as my sounding board. That way no one gets hurt. That way I’m not opening my heart up to be crushed. I knew my life was set up the way it was before Lilly and her big ideas for a reason. It was a damn good reason too. I can’t do relationships. I can never let myself be so vulnerable again. It makes me lose my edge that I need to survive, but most of all because it hurts too fucking much.

“I swear you have the best shower. I have brothers that build so many apartments, yet when they renovated mine, my shower is so crap. I need to have words with them about that. Be careful you might have me here showering every day.” She giggles as she cuddles into my side, slipping her hands around my waist as I serve up her eggs and bacon. Not my usual spectacular job but it’ll do. I just need her to eat now so I can get this over with.

I grin down at her and kiss her on the forehead and get her to sit at the counter. While she was in the shower, I collected everything in my room and put it in her bag and placed it at the front door. I know once she eats and this all comes out, she’s going to want to kill me. I don’t expect it’s going to be pretty.

We eat in silence. Complete silence. I’ve turned off the music because I can’t listen after that song. It’s just too raw.

As I’m clearing the plates, placing them in the sink, I feel Lilly behind me. Her hands on my back.

“Kane, are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” There’s a quaver in her voice

Fuck.

“Lilly, we need to talk.” I turn and hug her as tight as I can. Taking every last second I can get. I lift her head and lean down kissing her, pouring everything I have into this one last kiss. As I pull away, she looks at me confused. Walking her to the couch, I sit beside her and take both her hands in mine.

“Kane, you’re scaring me,” she whispers. It’s like she’s too frightened to say it out loud.

I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. I can’t put this off any longer.

“Lilly, when we started this arrangement, we made rules for both our sakes.” The look on her face tells me she’s already panicking.

“We agreed that there would be no feelings, no awkwardness and when it was time to move on that we had to tell the other person face to face.” She gasps, trying to hold it together. I feel her trying to pull her hands out of mine. I grip hard even though I should be letting go. I just can’t yet.

“That we would then both walk away friends, no questions asked.” Pausing, I just don’t know how to say it. I look down, trying to find some magic strength on the floor. Don’t be such a pussy and just rip the band-aid off. It’s better for her. Don’t drag it out.

“The time has come that we both need to move on. We can’t do this anymore. I’m ending it. You need to see other people.”

I can hardly bear to look at her shocked face. I can see the hurt in her eyes. The water pooling ready to escape down her cheeks. A few times her mouth moves to say something and then she closes it again.

“I’m sorry, Red, I didn’t mean for it to go this far, to fall this far,” I softly confess.

“Don’t!” she yells. “Don’t you call me that! You just took that right away. No, don’t you dare ever call me that again.” She reefs her hands from mine and is up pacing the room now. I want to go to her and comfort her, but I know I can’t. I need to let her go. I need to let her hate me because it will be easier for her now. It won’t hurt as much.

“What the fuck was last night then? Your last good fuck before you throw me to the curb? You fucking asshole. I fucking cuffed myself naked to your fucking bed because I thought it would mean something. What the actual fuck, Kane!” I stand now trying to touch her, but she pulls away.

“It meant more than you know, Lilly. I will always treasure last night. I told you in the beginning, I can’t do relationships in this job. It’s not fair to you. I’m getting too far in. I need to walk away.” My head drops, I can’t watch the tears pouring down her face.

“I thought we were past that. I thought you felt it too. Obviously not. Thanks for the fucks, buddy. Have a great life.” She storms to the bedroom looking for her bag and then sees it at the front door.

“Wow, real classy, Kane.” Opening the door, she turns to look at me one last time and whispers, “I thought I was more than a fuck buddy. I stupidly thought we were falling in love.” With that, she slams the door and is gone.

“I fell in love with you, Red, from day one. I’ll never stop loving you,” I say to the back of the door where she walked away. I sag on to the couch and shock myself as the tears fall down my cheeks.

I just pushed away the only woman I will ever love.

The only woman who cares enough to love me.

It’s the way it’s got to be.

Because of how much I love her, it’s the only way it can be.

I’ll miss my Lilly and my Red.

Fuck, this love shit bloody hurts.

More than I ever imagined possible.

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