Page 19 of Love's Hot

One thing about running is the repetitive sound of your feet hitting the pavement that’s mesmerizing. It puts you into a type of trance that helps your mind to switch off a little. I can’t run with earphones. I need to be able to hear every sound around me. Plus, the sound of nature is relaxing. Reminds me of the beautiful things that are around us, if we just take time to look. If we can take off the dark shades that we all try to hide behind, there is hidden beauty everywhere. Feeling the light spits of rain, I make the decision to cut my run short. I head back to my apartment before I get saturated as the rain falls heavier. I’ve run kilometers in the rain before when I was so wound up, I just needed to run regardless of the weather. Tonight, I’m not that desperate. I’d rather be working out in the gym giving Xavier shit to pass the time.

Normally on a Friday night, I would have a date lined up and be heading out for drinks shortly. My phone was buzzing constantly all afternoon, which is usual, woman looking for a date or just a hook-up. Not often I’ll date a woman more than once, but sometimes if she piques my fancy and it’s been a while, we might have a second go around. Tonight, though, it’s making my skin crawl just thinking of going out with any of them. Must be too much work on my mind that it’s screwed with my sex drive. Maybe it’s because the case is a suspected dating murder, I don’t know. Just thinking about sex or dating anyone in my little black book makes me feel anxious.

Entering Xavier’s apartment, it’s empty and dead silent. Time to crank up the stereo with some heavy music full of bass. I know how much he loves me to annoy the neighbors, who complain to him, not me. I mean, what are friends for, right, other than to piss off your neighbors for you. My playlist is blasting, I hit the punching bag to warm up before I move to the speed ball. Tonight calls for a fierce kickboxing session when my partner arrives home. If Xavier is lucky, he might walk away from this one without too many bruises. I won’t say none, because that never happens for either of us. But fuck it feels good when we’re finished.

I’m in the groove of punishing the poor speed ball and my arms are hurting from being pushed so hard. Stopping to take a quick breather, I hunch over with my fists snug in the boxing gloves resting on my knees. I totally zone out. When the music is changing songs, I hear the sound of a female voice and that makes me stand up straight. Someone is in the apartment and I haven’t heard them come in. Normally when Xavier comes home, he calls out loudly, so I know he’s here. It must be Alesha, who’s also got her own key. Maybe she’s meeting Xavier here tonight when he finishes.

I walk out to the living room, shirtless, sweaty and looking like shit, nothing she hasn’t seen before when Xavier and I work out. I hear her trying to convince whoever it is with her that she won’t be long and just needs to grab a few things. She smiles as she turns into the hallway and sees me.

“Hi, Kane, sorry to interrupt, just grabbing some clothes for Xav for tonight. We’re staying at my place and he didn’t pack anything for a dinner out with Mom and Dad. They’re bored so I’m the lucky child who gets to entertain them tonight. I won’t be long, and I’ll be out of your hair.”

“Hey, no drama, you aren’t interrupting me, plus it’s your boyfriend’s apartment so you have more right to be here than I do. Also, that answers my question whether he’s going to be here tonight.”

“Why, did you need something? Did you need to talk to him about anything important? I can cancel dinner.” She looks a little concerned. I know Xavier has told her sometimes we just need time to talk without her here and she totally understands. She is an amazing woman, quiet, but with a big heart and secret strength.

“Nah, I’m all good, just a shit week and was looking for my sparring partner to beat the shit out of. I’ll catch up with him tomorrow. You go and get what you need, I’ll get back to it. Tell him he owes me a beer for making me box on my own.”

She laughs as she walks into his room, looking over her shoulder she smiles. “Lilly is in the living room waiting if you want to say hi.” She disappears into the room.

Fuck. Lilly.

She’s the last person I was expecting to see tonight. I’m not sure I’m in the mood for the ear bashing I think she’ll let loose on me for leaving her in New York without saying goodbye. May as well get it over with. It will top off the shit week it’s been.

“Kane.” She looks up quickly from her phone and then back to typing on it and not paying an ounce of attention to me.

“Lilly, how are you?” Trying to be polite and make conversation, she slowly looks up after a few seconds.

“Fine, thanks. How about you?” Now I might not be the smartest guy with women, but even I know that when a woman uses the word ‘fine’ you usually need to run. Fine means they’re pissed at you and if you value your life, you either apologize in a general fashion for whatever you may have done. Or, get out of there before the knives come out and she starts screaming at you. If you’re getting the silent treatment and then she says she’s fine, that’s heavy shit and you really need to beg for forgiveness for being born. Maybe it’s not quite that dramatic but it is dangerous territory, that’s for sure.

I think I should just go with the oblivious tact and keep moving forward.

“Shit week, but that happens. I should keep working out, it helps soothe the beast.” My comment makes her look up from her phone. Her face changes instantly.

“Are you okay, Kane?” She can tell I’m not my normal cocky self.

“Yeah, just working out some frustration from the job. I’ll be fine. Nothing unusual for me. Enjoy your night and thanks for asking.” I don’t want her to see me when I’m not worth talking to, so I turn to head back into the gym.

“Kane,” Lilly calls me. I stop but keep facing forward.

“If you need to talk, as a friend, I’m always here.” Her voice is not the strong sexy purr I remember. It’s more the softness I hear from Alesha at times. Not what I expect from Lilly and definitely too sweet for someone like me who will just break that.

“Thanks, but I’m good.” Walking away, I know I’ve probably hurt her again but it’s for the best. My darkness doesn’t need to taint her brightness.

Sitting on the weight bench staring into nothing, I keep seeing the picture of my missing woman. My logic makes me think that she’s already dead even though my gut thinks differently. If I was taking the logical approach then she is probably lying somewhere waiting for me to connect together the puzzle pieces, so we can find her and bring her home to her family. To give them their loved one to mourn. Then find the bastard who did this to her and make him pay. We owe her justice and I intend to make sure that happens.

The girls are long gone from the apartment and I didn’t even bother to crank the music up loud again after they left. My mood just got lower after seeing Lilly. Her face just made me remember what we had and what I was missing all week. I should never have gone there with her. Just looking at her, I should have known she would be different.

I’m not sure how long I sit with my thoughts scrambling between different topics in my crazy mind. I should head home, shower and settle in for the night with plenty of beers. My body is now feeling the lack of energy after my run and workout. Standing up, I reach over to grab my towel to wipe down the equipment before remembering I’m out of beer. Fuck it, I’ll just steal Xavier’s and replace it tomorrow. That’s what he would do if the roles were reversed.

***

Walking into my dark apartment, I put the beers in the fridge and decide I only need the lamp on in the living room. If I’m going to sit and drown my sorrows on my own, then I’d rather do it in the shadows.

Not sure what it is about a hot shower but some days you can just stand under there for hours, or until the hot water runs out. At different times, the relief it gives is different. Tonight, it’s like it is washing away the frustration. Frustration at not being able to find my victim, not having answers for her mother and father who are beside themselves. Frustration at the feeling my boss is about to drop something on me Monday and I have no idea what it will mean for me. Frustration that I can’t pursue Lilly and be the man she’s looking for. Just fucking frustration at life.

I just don’t know some days if I can do this job for a lifetime. Not sure I can survive the pain and darkness it brings.

I need a beer or… six.

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