Page 59 of Love's Hot

Kane

THE BANGING ON THE door gets me jumping up from the couch where I haven’t moved since she left. She must want to tear more strips off me. I deserve everything she wants to do to me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop from grabbing her and holding on, though.

“Lilly, I’m sor…” My voice drifts off coming face to face with Xavier at my door.

“Nah, man. You’re lucky it’s just me. She’d be carrying a knife or a gun right now,” he says as he walks past me into my apartment.

I slowly close the door, not ready to hear whatever he’s come here to say. To tell me what an asshole I am, what a shit thing I’ve done, Alesha now hates me too, and all the other things that he’s thinking.

“Get your runners, that can’t have been easy. I’ve seen the fallout. We need to run this off. No arguing.” I stand there staring at him. Besides the woman whose heart I’ve just driven a knife through, the man standing in front of me is the only person to ever understand me. To know me deep down into my soul. Be here, when I need him and know I can’t talk but to push me to do the thing that helps me. I just walk towards him, placing my hand on his shoulder and squeeze to let him know how much I appreciate what he’s doing. Not lecturing me, not trying to make me laugh, just being here.

Lacing up my last runner, I look around my room. It was only a few hours ago Lilly was lying naked right here in my arms. How quickly life can change. I wish it could be different. I need to get out of here to clear my head. I’ve got to be fully focused by tomorrow morning. There’s no room for error in this job. Somehow, I’m going to pack my bag in the morning and walk out of here and leave Kane behind for a while. He will have to stay here with his memories of his girl. Meanwhile, Craig Johnson, my undercover persona, will be out scouring nightclubs for the scumbags who are preying on women.

“Come on, man, getting grey and old out here waiting,” Xavier calls out to me. I stand and walk on autopilot out to the living room. I know how to do this. I’ve been here before, telling my brain to block feelings out. This is no different. It just means locking down the part that thinks too much.

“Let’s do this.” He pats me on the shoulder, and we head for the door. Just before he walks out, I grab his arm. He turns back to look at me.

“Thanks.”

It’s just one word. One that carries so much meaning and emotion. Xavier nods and turns towards the elevator. Time to put one foot in front of the other. I have no other choice.

Pounding the pavement is my go-to when I’m struggling with work. It usually helps. We’ve been running for over an hour and all I can see are two visions on repeat in my head. My Red, cuffed to my bed seducing me with her siren call. Then it gets crushed by the vision of my Lilly with tears and hate closing the door as she walks away, doubting her love for me, and worse, still doubting my love for her. I slow down and stop in the middle of the path in the park. Hunching over, hands on my knees, I just close my eyes. I’m done. This isn’t going to take the pain away. Nothing will.

“Kane.” I hear Xavier’s voice call in the distance. Except he isn’t that far away from me. It’s happening. The walls are going up and I’m retreating to where nothing can touch me. I’ll cope this way. Time to head home and prepare for tomorrow.

“I’m done,” I grumble and turn to start for home. He knows me well enough to back off now. I’m finding my zone. Slowly but surely, turning off any register of emotion. Saying goodbye to the Kane that Lilly knows, and becoming the hard-ass policeman that I will need to be to get through this assignment.

***

Hours have ticked by and I can’t shake the feeling of uncertainty. I can’t tell if it’s the uncertainty of what I’ve done today or the nervousness I always get before I head into an undercover assignment. Either way, I’m on edge and normally I would go and punch the hell out of the bag in Xav’s gym or find a woman and have a great hard fuck. Both are so unappealing right now.

I’m lying on my bed, smelling her, seeing her vision and feeling her presence all around me. Strangely enough, it’s the only thing that is quieting my mind and bringing me peace. I hope by the next time I’m in this bedroom, the scent is still here and hasn’t left me. I wish I could bottle it.

Closing my eyes, I try to coax sleep into the room. He’s playing hard to get tonight. I’m not sure I’ll even bother trying. I’ll harness this nervous energy, ready to use tomorrow. I’ll need every part of the adrenaline I can get.

Craig Johnson, welcome aboard. Hope you’re worth the pain!

Lilly

Tomorrow my head is going to hurt, there’s no doubt. The amount of alcohol consumed today along with the lack of food, I’m definitely going to pay for it. I’ve been up hugging the bowl for the last couple of hours. I’ve managed not to vomit yet, but it’s been damn close. How did I let Alesha get me this drunk? She’s supposed to be the responsible one, yet she was leading the charge. Xavier should have supervised us. We needed someone to tell us we had enough. Not that I would have listened. I just want to forget today; come to think of it, the last few weeks.

Erase Kane from my memory.

Wait, not totally erase him.

I want to keep the good memories. Actually, all the memories except from around ten am today.

How pathetic am I? Sitting here with my head hovering over the toilet and yet I’m licking my lips thinking of Kane and his big bad wolf cock. I’m fucked in the head. Totally screwed up. I need sleep to get rid of this feeling. The feeling that I want to be sick, and the one where I want to run back to his apartment and beg him to change his mind. Like some pitiful woman.

This is not me. I’m stronger than this. He can’t break me.

I won’t let him.

Well, I won’t let him tomorrow.

He’s already proven he can totally shatter me today.

Asshole

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