Page 46 of Love's Hot

“You’re so frigging hilarious, aren’t you? I was stupid enough to think I could do it. But you’ve seen her. You know what she’s like. Holy shit, man!” I gulp down another mouthful of coffee, seeing all these visions of Lilly running through my head like a movie reel. “She is so hot and, man, the sex is out of this world. I never expected to feel like this. You know how I feel about relationships. I’m too fucked-up in the head to be the man I should be, to any woman. I don’t have the safety and stability to give anyone. Plus, no one deserves to know the dark shit in my head. Only you get that privilege.” I slap him on the back as he starts laughing at me.

“Yeah, and I’m going to start charging you by the hour before long. My couch has your name plaque already attached to it.” I know he’s joking but I do feel guilty sometimes for the amount I unload on him. After this undercover operation, it might be time I find myself a professional therapist so I can save my best friend from carrying my burdens.

“You’re not worth paying more than the beers I turn up with.” We both smile and keep walking a bit farther. I could use more coffee to get through this. Why is it I don’t find it hard talking to him about some really awful things I see and do, yet I’m finding talking about Lilly the hardest conversation of all.

“We had this night in New York which led to Lilly coming up with the friends-with-benefits deal. That night was one neither of us could let go of and wanted more. I knew she was trouble, I mean, look at her, she just oozes it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I laid out my rules and made her promise she wouldn’t get attached.” Running my hand through my hair, I know I’ve fucked this up.

“Told her I just want fun. Oh yeah, the funny thing is, the joke’s on me. She’s making me feel things I have never felt before. I’m thinking about things that I scrubbed off my life plan years ago. I can’t get her out of my head, man. Is this what it’s like with Alesha?” I hear his feet stop and turn back to look at him.

“You are in big trouble, my friend. It’s written all over your face. You’re falling for her, aren’t you?”

“Fuck no!” I turn to walk away and then stop. Who the hell am I trying to kid? This is Xavier who knows me better than I know myself. Shit. He slowly walks up and stands beside me.

“I know that petrifies you. Can I tell you this, though? From the moment Ally stole my heart, I have never looked back. My life has become so much more. I can’t even describe it. But I’ve got a feeling you finally know what I mean.” Xavier guides me to a park bench so we can just sit and chat about this properly, without me running away from what I’m feeling.

“How is Lilly with this whole thing?”

“Falling just as hard. I see it in her eyes, I hear it in her voice, and I feel it in her touch. But she’s just as scared as I am to admit it. Plus, she doesn’t even know the half of it.” I drop my face into my hands. Here comes the painful part.

“What do you mean, man?” Xavier sounds confused and I get that. This whole thing is crazy.

“This is the exact reason I never wanted to be with anyone. Here’s the kicker to this story. Any day now, I’ll be going undercover again and don’t know for how long. It’s to do with this case I’m working on that we think has merged into another one. I can’t tell you much and you have to keep the fact I’m going undercover to yourself. This is top secret even in my station. I think they must feel there’s a cop involved somewhere. Anyway, let’s just say I have no choice but to tell Lilly it’s over. She can’t be with me while I’m working this case and she can’t know where I am. It’s fucked, Xav. I’m going to break her heart. I already know that. I should have backed off straight away, but I just can’t. I’m selfish and want to have every last minute I can get with her, before she never wants to see me again.”

“What makes you think she won’t come around when you finish the case, or can’t you tell her to wait for you?” His thoughts are good but will never work.

“I wish it were that easy. No one can know I’m undercover. Plus, I’m damn sure once she finds out where I’ve been working, she won’t want to touch me.”

“What makes you so certain?”

“Because I’m going undercover into sex clubs, and if needed, I may have to get involved in the activities if we’re getting close to the suspect. How do you think she’ll cope with that?” I sigh with some relief that I’m finally able to talk to someone about what’s been weighing on my chest.

“With a knife, and it will involve her cutting your dick off, then stringing you up by your balls on a flagpole. Holy shit, Kane, what have you gotten yourself into?”

“A whole world of hurt, Xav, a whole world of hurt!” We sit there for a few minutes just processing everything that’s been said. I need to ask him one question that is important to me. “Promise me one thing?” He looks at me waiting. “You’ll look after her while she’s hurting and keep her safe while I’m gone?” I need to know that someone is watching her.

“That’s a given, man, but you need to promise me one thing too. Actually, two things. First, that you’ll be careful and stay safe. Don’t take unnecessary risks and if it gets bad, then get out. Not worth your life for some other deadbeat’s life. The second one is, you better promise me that you will be back for the wedding. I can’t get married without my best man.” We exchange the love that we share but we don’t often mention. “I mean it, Kane. I need you, buddy, don’t get hurt. Understand?” It’s the first time in a long time he’s gotten forceful with me. We have that brief man hug that means more than both of us will ever put into words.

“Promise on both counts. I didn’t save your ass on that mountain to miss you handing over your balls to Ally. I’ll be there. No matter what.” We both start to laugh. This whole situation is so crazy you just have to laugh it off. Who would even imagine an undercover operation involving nightly visits to sex clubs? A month ago, being single, I would have thought I’d won the lottery with this assignment. Now all I can see is a whole world of hurt.

“How long do you think you’ve got before you’ll get the call?”

“Could be days, could be weeks, or even tomorrow, but let’s hope they catch the bastard before I’m needed.”

“When are you going to tell her?”

“No idea. It’s not easy. Every time I think about doing it or what I’ll say to her, I just get pissed off instead. I just end up seeing her happy when we’re together. My next vision is one of heartbreak and it makes me feel devastated that I’ll be the cause.”

“You know the longer this goes on, the harder it’ll be for you and the more heartbreak there’ll be for her.” He’s looking like the expert therapist he certainly isn’t. Xavier glances at his watch and starts to move.

“Sorry, man, I have to get back to the gym. Ally and Lilly are due in for their personal training session. I can cope with Ally if I’m late, but Lilly scares the hell out of me. Good luck to you, I say.”

Laughing, we head back to the gym at a light jog.

“Yeah, I’m going to need it. I think you should be more worried about my safety with Lilly, than when I’m undercover. At least I have a gun to protect myself when I’m working. My balls are already shriveling up inside trying to hide from her.”

It feels good to laugh and be able to just talk to someone about everything.

Now to face Lilly and keep my feelings under control. Easier said than done.

---