Page 36 of Love's Hot

“Hey, I’m a prize catch, I’ll have you know. I’m more worried your hubby Adam will want to beat the shit out of me,” I say, trying to lighten the moment.

“That’s a certainty!” I can see the hesitation on her face, which I totally understand. A few weeks ago, nothing would have fazed me. I’ve done undercover work before and as far as assignments go this is probably one of the better ones. But the first thing that I thought about was Lilly and how she was going to feel about this. We are not a thing, but fuck if we’re pretty awesome at not being a thing.

“I’m going to need a lot more information on what’s involved before I can say yes or no to this.” I can see her thinking hard about it.

“Like how far am I expected to go with Kane? I get we’ll have to kiss and touch, but sex is off the table. Not happening, no way no how! Plus, no nudity at all. I can do sexy but I’m not showing boobs, pussy or ass to Kane or any other man except my husband. You want an undercover sex worker then go to the undercover branch for that.”

Sarge starts laughing at her. “Jessie, if I wanted a hooker then I wouldn’t have asked you. Not sure you realize but every guy in this squad is scared of you. You are one tough woman and not at all the type who will look at home pimping herself out. Plus, like Kane said, Adam is twice the size of me and I’m not stupid. I value my life too.” Jessie’s giving us both the stink-eye women tend to use when they’re warning you not to make fun of them when they’re cranky.

“Look, all jokes aside, Sarge, you need to tell us exactly what you need and then give Jessie time to go home and talk to Adam about this.” I need time to digest it too, but I can’t say that.

“What, no hot chickie babe at home for you to worry about, Boston? Not that it’s surprising looking at that face every day, would be damn hard to take and a big turn-off.” Jessie laughs at her own joke. As always happens with cops, we use humor to take away the intensity of a conversation.

“Do you really want me to go there with a comment about something big and hard? You really don’t need to compare and give Adam an inferiority complex.” I put my arm around her shoulder, and she bursts out laughing. No matter what society wants the police force to be like, it’s still a male-dominated workforce and to survive you need to be able to go toe-to-toe with the smart comments, otherwise you never survive. The women are respected where I work but I’m not sure that happens in every department. My opinion is, if you can do a job and give it your best then it shouldn’t matter what sex you are.

“Okay, you two need to sit on this for a few days. Not sure we’re going to need it yet, however, that’s the plan at the moment. There’s a feeling our online guy is taking his dates there and then they’re disappearing. That’s the connection between the two cases. We need someone on the inside who knows both cases to be looking for clues. We just have to know, that if and when the time is right, that you’re both on board and ready to go. Yes, Jessie you will need to wear something sex-club appropriate so have a think about that and get something prepared. We’ll have all your identities ready and you’ll know them ahead of time. I actually hope this isn’t needed but I’ve learned in this job a long time ago that you can never predict a case or its direction. Our job is to always be one step ahead of our best educated guess. Let’s just get our ducks all lined up, ready in case the orders come from above.

“Jessie, there’s absolutely no pressure for you to do this. Nothing will be held against you if you say no. Kane, I can’t imagine any problem for you, but again, you can say no. Now both of you get back out in the office and look like you’re investigating the areas where the phone movements are. That’ll be helpful for you with the pop-up clubs anyway, but we need you working this case still and have the rest of the squad and station thinking that you aren’t doing anything out of the ordinary. Are we good?” He looks at us both with compassion knowing this will be a difficult assignment and he’s reluctant to have to ask any of his squad to do it, but that’s policing unfortunately, and someone has to do the hard things.

“Yeah, I’m good, boss,” I answer, glancing at Messells.

“Yeah, boss, I just need to talk to Adam about it all and will let you know for sure tomorrow if that’s okay?” There’s conflict in her eyes. The hard, professional policewoman who will do as she needs to solve a case, battling with the softer loving wife who’s not sure she can kiss another man without feeling she’s betraying her vows.

Looking at my colleague and my friend, it just reinforces why I’ve always known that I can’t have both.

I chose my career and that’s all there can ever be. I just don’t have it in me to put anyone through that pain.

***

The rain doesn’t even stop me from running tonight. I could work out at Xavier’s, I could go to the gym. But running is what I need to try to clear my head. For the first time in a while I don’t even want any company. I just need to think. My thoughts are all mixed together. The online dating case, Lilly, the sex club case, Jessie and the position she’s being put in. To top it all off, how do I explain to Lilly I need to start frequenting sex clubs on a regular basis, but I can’t tell her why or anything about it. Oh yeah, and I’ll be going there with another woman. Who will be telling the world she’s my girlfriend. There also could come a time where I need to sleep with one of the women in the club until we get this solved. I hope to god that doesn’t happen, but when you’re undercover, sometimes you need to do things that you wish you didn’t have to rather than blow your cover. I will never let anything like that happen to Jessie. I’ll get her out of there and fuck the case rather than see her hurt. I’ll never put the life or welfare of a colleague before anything else. I can cope with it, but to have to live with that in a marriage, I can imagine will be too much. I know I couldn’t do it if I were Adam.

I want to talk to Lilly, but I know that if I call her it makes this relationship—or should I say arrangement—more than it should be. She helps me to talk things out like Xavier does but in a different way. Well, it’s not always talking but it helps just as well. Problem is this time I need to talk about her. I can’t talk to Xavier because we aren’t telling anyone. Can’t throw it all out on the table with Lilly, the information is too sensitive for the case.

My feet just pound harder with water splashing up my legs as I run through the puddles. It’s dark outside and I’m not even sure how long I’ve been running for. I’m soaked through from a mixture of my sweat and rain. Usually I pass other runners but at this time of night and with the weather, no one else is stupid enough to be out here. Not an ideal time of night to be running in dark clothes. I’m conscious of staying off the road away from the cars in this low visibility. Another lap of the block should do it. My legs are starting to scream at me, and my head is saying it’s sick of thinking. Hot shower, pizza delivery and some trashy show that will hopefully put me to sleep. Beers will be the beverage of choice tonight. Drown out the thinking for a while. Numb the brain.

It all sounds good, but I know once I sit down, the case will start in my head and I’ll end up on the laptop trying to sift through the evidence we have and making notes. There’s still something not sitting right here. That’s why I know I need to take the undercover role. I need closure on this case which makes me determined to find her one way or another.

15

Lilly

“ZACH, CAN YOU TELL Grant to get off my case. I have done everything he’s asked today, yet he’s still riding my tail like I’m some junior. Not in the mood,” I snap. My brother backs away from my desk with his hands in the air in retreat.

“Don’t shoot the messenger, Lil. You know what he’s like. Just ignore him. It works for Luke.” I look up at him and we both chuckle a little.

“Ahh now that’s better. A little more smile and I might actually be able to say you look happy.” He walks round the side of my desk and gives me a hug around the shoulders. “What’s got you all worked up today, sis?”

I want to say the fact that my fuck buddy hasn’t been in touch for four days and I’m having withdrawals. I also want to say I’m worried he’s had his fun already and I’m far from ready to let go yet. But instead, I just go for the safe option, which Zach doesn’t need to know but still not a lie.

“Just being a woman today is enough to make me shitty.” I feel him tensing a little and standing up, really retreating this time. No man will ever find talking about ‘women’s issues’ easy but when your sister is talking about the fact she’s on her period, then that’s the warning siren to say run for the hills.

“Well, that will do it. Don’t need to know any more. You know where to find Emily if you want to chat.” I get a quick kiss on the cheek and he’s out the door. He doesn’t understand it’s not just the PMS that’s making me want to scratch out every person’s eyes who walks past me today. It’s because even if Kane contacts me to get together, I’m out of commission. Now that will suck big time. Plus, how do I even answer that message?

‘Sorry, Kane, can’t make it, surfing the crimson tide today.’ Or perhaps be more ladylike: ‘Sorry the decorators are in for the week, I’m redecorating. I’ll call you back when they’re finished’. Both sound absolutely ridiculous. I’m not a crass person but I’m not a high society lady who looks down on the common people, either. I wonder how Kane will respond to a simple statement of sorry no sex today due to my period. Will he feel awkward or just get straight to the point of talking about my period? See, this is the difference between a relationship and just a fucking arrangement – literally. It sounded like such a good idea at the time but there are so many obstacles. I just stick my head down and start to tackle the next pile of files that Zach so kindly delivered.

“Hey, Lilly, Xavier wants to know if you want to come over for dinner tonight after work. He’s going to ask Kane if he wants to come too. You’ve both been in shit moods all week so he thought maybe it might do you both good to bitch it out with each other.” Alesha’s been getting more confident since Xavier came onto the scene. She gets my attention at the words, Kane’s been in a shit mood too. “Before you say no, Nat will be there, and his friend Jordan is in town. It’ll be fun. What do you say?”

Looking at my computer screen, I see that it’s just after three in the afternoon. That gives me time to try to pull myself out of this mood. I’m not sure I want to see Kane but then I can’t help myself. I’ve got to know if he’s avoiding me. I’m kicking myself for being needy but what the hell.

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