Lalita’s brown eyes found me as I reached the path leading to the main building. Lalita leaned with her hip against the edge of the weathered fountain, talking to Eleanore, the water babbling cheerfully behind them.
She’d dyed her hair two shades darker since I’d last seen her, the new deep brown complementing the freckles scattered across her nose.
“Hey,” I said, and forced my lips to tilt upward in a smile. Was she mad at me? My stomach dipped as I assessed her expression.
Eleanore folded her arms over her chest. “I wasn’t sure you were coming back. You’ve been silent all summer.”
Lalita waved her hand at her. “Don’t, Elle.” She stepped beside me, her floral scent penetrating my nose as she draped her arm over my shoulder. “We understand.”
Eleanore pursed her lips together, then pushed back the strands of mousy brown hair framing her face. “We were worried. You couldn’t respond to one message?”
What could I say? I had meant to reply to them, but I kept telling myself I would respond tomorrow. By the time I knew it, weeks had passed, then months. “I’m sorry,” I said slowly, my heart rate thrumming like bats' wings in flight.
Lalita stiffened beside me, then whispered. “You don’t owe her an explanation, Z.”
“I know, but I have to get this off my chest.” I shrugged her arm off me, then took a step away.
As my gaze met Eleanore’s, her expression softened, but she kept her arms folded over her chest.
“Honestly, I didn’t know how to cope.” My shoulders rose, then fell in a shrug. “I still don’t. I closed myself off to everyone. I wasn’t trying to ignore you. It just happened.”
I stepped back and hoped it would be enough. The corner of her eye twitched like it always did when she felt conflicted. “I just wanted to be there for you,” Eleanore told me, her voice breaking.
I exhaled slowly. “I know.”
“Everyone copes with grief in their own way,” said Lalita.
What else could I say? I searched my thoughts, but I didn’t know how to put my thoughts into words.
“It’s time for class,” Elenore said, breaking the silence, and I breathed a sigh of relief. “We’ll talk at lunch.”
“Yes.”
Lalita squeezed my shoulder, then turned me to look at her. “I’m glad your mom let you come back. I was worried. We’ll talk later,” she promised, concern crowning her chestnut eyes.
I nodded, then turned, slowly, as if I was moving through dissociation. Without looking back, I kept moving toward the main building for history class.
I waited for guilt, or even annoyance, to make its way into my heart, but all I felt was empty. As always.
Fear dug its claws into my heart.
What if I feel nothing again?
My thoughts quickly drifted away from Lalita and the others. Somehow, it was just easier to not think about those sorts of things and focus on something else. I had become good at distracting myself since dad’s death.
My spine straightened as the ghost of a warm exhalation skated against the back of my ear.
“Hello, pet.”
Pet?
I sucked in a deep breath and clenched my hands into fists. That voice. I couldn’t catch a fucking break.
“What the fuck do you want?”
Jax tilted his head, then ran his hand through his tousled waves. “I had the most curious dreams about you this summer.”
I stilled, goosebumps prickling over my arms. “Cute,” I finally said, shrugging. “But I’m not interested.”