Page 28 of Sheltering Lily

Finally, knowing that I couldn’t hide anymore, I pushed back and met his eyes. “Let me go first,” I said for fear he’d tell me he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I didn’t want him to say the words when mine were so different. “I had lunch with my Aunt Maddie this afternoon.”

“Did you enjoy it?” he asked, studying my face. Could he already see trouble coming?

“I did. She’s always so full of life,” I answered. “I love that about her.”

“So what’s the problem?” His analyst brain was running risk calculations. I could almost see it.

“She told me about an opportunity to work with a comic book artist as an intern,” I said. “In New York City.”

Until I finished the sentence, he looked hopeful for me. When my words made it clear that the job meant I’d have to leave him behind, I saw a ripple cross his face. What was it? Hurt? Disappointment? I didn’t have time to identify it before his face hardened into an unreadable mask. His arms dropped from around me, and he took a step back.

“Colin,” I whispered without knowing what words would follow his name, but he cut me off by turning away from me. He snatched up a stack of catalogs from the counter and slowly walked to the recycling bin. His back was rigid, shoulders squared, an outward sign that he was closing himself off from me, throwing up barricades between us.

God, I hated to hurt him, but I’d told him from the beginning that I couldn’t make a commitment because I needed to be free to pursue opportunities. This was it—the opportunity I’d been waiting for. How could I just walk away from it? On the other hand, how could I walk away from him and Sofia? It was impossible to separate the job from how I felt about them. Our connection felt anything but temporary…which didn’t mean I could give up on my passion.

“Have you decided to take it?” he asked when he returned and faced me, his expression impassive.

“I’m not sure.” I spoke slowly, formulating my thoughts. “It’s the best prospect I could ever hope for, and I’m really grateful to my aunt for making it possible for me to pursue my dream.” I stumbled to a stop. Colin wasn’t making it easy for me to say what I was feeling. “A few months ago, I would have leaped at it, but you and Sofia have come to mean so much to me. I care for you both. You’re important to me.” I was struggling to get this right…and failing, based on the unfathomable look Colin pinned me with. The only emotion I could see was a flicker in his blue eyes, reminding me of the hottest part of a flame. A flame that I was extinguishing with every word. “I’m not sure what I’m going to do.”

“You have to do what you think is best for you,” he said, his tone politely firm, as if asking someone to step out of his way on the street.

Despite the fact that I’d started this conversation and was the one potentially leaving him, I was hurt by his attitude. Did he feel no inclination to ask me to stay? Did I mean so little to him? To Sofia? Could I walk out of their lives without them even missing me once I was gone? “I have three weeks to decide if I’m going to pursue the position,” I said, unsure of how to move forward.

“Let me know your plans as soon as possible. I’ll need to find a replacement nanny,” he said and left the room without a word or touch. The contrast with the Colin who made love to me at night or who stole a kiss around the house couldn’t be starker.

I looked around the empty kitchen before squeezing my eyes shut to control the tears that threatened, but it didn’t help. I was tempted to go to my basement apartment, to be alone, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t smart with a possible stalker on the loose. I gripped the edge of the counter, trying to steady myself and think.

I could hear Colin moving around in the living room and the click of the display cabinet’s glass door closing. He was reaching for what brought him solace, his beloved cards. I wanted to tell him that I’d never meant to hurt him, but the words would serve no purpose.

I climbed the stairs and went to the master bedroom just long enough to get my pajamas and toiletries. Then I retreated to the third bedroom. Long after I’d crawled into the bed, Colin’s light footsteps sounded on the stairs. I held my breath, wondering if he’d come for me to bring me back to his bed.

He passed my door, and I had my answer. Everything between us had changed. I rolled over and pressed my face into the pillow, letting it muffle my sobs.

14

COLIN

Idropped Sofia off at my brother’s house on my way to meet Steve, thankful that the toddler remained her usual happy self despite the tension in the house. I replayed the breakfast scene from that morning in my head. I’d been making pancakes for Sofia, listening to her chatter excitedly about her sleepover with her cousin. Even though I’d hauled around a heavy heart for the past few days, I found myself smiling and encouraging Sofia to talk as I flipped pancakes.

“Oh, sorry,” Lily said when she’d entered the kitchen. “I wanted to grab a granola bar. I just have a minute before I need to leave for my art class.”

Not true. Her class wasn’t for over an hour. Lily had plenty of time to sit and eat with us, but she was pulling back from me. This had been the tone of our exchanges ever since she’d told me she might be leaving. We were polite but distant, and only a small child could miss the tension between us.

“Eat with me,” Sofia commanded. “Dada make pancakes.”

“I can’t, sweetie.” Lily pressed a kiss to Sofia’s forehead, keeping her eyes averted from me. “I don’t want to be late. You have fun at your sleepover tonight. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Bye-bye,” Sofia called, smile undimmed, when Lily left the room. It had been all I could do to smile back at her.

Driving through downtown Springwell by myself, I had no reason to fake happiness. I’d considered telling Lily how I felt about her, but professing my love would be pointless if she’d made up her mind to go. I would only end up looking the pathetic fool, so I’d stifled my emotions and dedicated myself to figuring out what was going on with the DEA agent and Stout.

Hopefully, this appointment with Steve would shed some light on the issue. I parked on the street and went up to Steve’s second-floor office. The hum of electronic equipment filled the large space. Monitors showing footage from countless surveillance cameras lined the walls. My world involved technology, but on nothing like this scale.

I made my way to the small office in the corner. The room was amazingly clear of equipment, with only a laptop on the oak desk that Steve sat behind.

“Colin. Good to see you. Coffee?” Steve shook his hand and gestured to the coffeepot.

“Thanks.” I helped myself to a cup before sitting. “Find out anything interesting?” I’d entrusted my friend to do a little snooping about the DEA agent, knowing that Steve had enough high-level connections to do that.

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