Page 12 of Obsessions of the Heart

This was the next step for us. I could feel it in my bones. We needed her by our side to make us whole. We’d all been filling her void with other things, distractions to keep this gnawing pain at bay, and I was done with it. I wanted more. We deserved more.

I wasn't going to take no for an answer, and I wasn't going to let anyone take her from us. We were going to get what was ours, what we had laid claim to all those years ago.

Chapter 5

What am I doing?

It was the tenth time I’d asked myself that as my beat-up silver Honda Accord putt-putted its way across four state lines, traveling ten hours, to some remote upstate New York university. I must be crazy.

A flash of blonde locks splayed against a dirty, dark floor, blue eyes lifeless and empty, consumed my mind. My chest tightened until it got increasingly harder to breathe. I gripped the wheel for dear life as the words, Run, Lay, sounded all around me, engulfing me in guilt and pain. I yanked the wheel to the side, my tires screeching when they hit dirt and weeds, then slammed my foot on the brakes.

My whole body jerked with the force of the car. My pulse pounded in my ears, and I became light headed as I swallowed down fast, shallow breaths. Clawing my fingers against my door handle, I searched for the driver’s side window button. I needed some air, now.

Why didn't you stay with her? Pop, pop, pop. Why didn't you help her? Pop, pop, pop.

With my thoughts running wild, my fingers desperately grabbed the handle of the door, frantic to get out of here and leave those thoughts in the car. Kicking the door open, I flung my body forward, just to be slammed back into my seat by my seatbelt. “Fuck!”

I slammed my palm on the release button. Pain ricocheted through my hand, but all I knew was that I needed to get out of this car. The belt released, and the next thing I knew, my knees hit the dirt and rocks.

It's your fault. She’s not here because of you. She left you. Just like everyone does.

“No. That's not what happened.” My low, shaky voice wasn't convincing anyone.

You're the common thread. The problem. They were all right about you. You're the cursed child, someone that no one wants.

My choppy breath made it even harder to calm down. I needed something to ground me, to keep me from flying away with all the toxic thoughts surrounding me, choking me. I bent forward, curling up my body until I could rest my forehead against the ground. My eyes closed, I tried to breath out my nose, reminding myself to focus on the sounds around me.

Cars rushing along the road, a bird cawing above me, a light breeze caressing my neck, the feeling of my head against the damp grass and weeds. I dug my fingers into the ground, squishing the grains of dirt between my fingers, smelling the minerals and dew of the earth. Finally, my breathing began to slow, and I noticed my radio in the background, playing a popular song. I began mouthing the words, absorbing the music like water in the desert.

Holding on to the tune tightly, I began to sing it in a shaky voice, clawing back more and more control of my body. My muscles relaxed as the minutes ticked by. I pushed up to sit, then moved to lean against the car, letting the hard metal keep me upright while the panic and anxiety drained out of my body.

With a shaky hand, I clutched at my necklace. Closing my eyes, I traced the outer triangle, feeling the points at the tips of my fingers. The slight pain helped me focus. I let my fingers run over the stem and thorns of the inverted rose in the center, feeling the intricacy of each minute detail from stem to petal.

Mel was right. I needed to take this scholarship and create a new life. I needed to let the past go. There was nothing left in Roanoke for me, nothing but pain and regret. Mel practically pushed me out the door, telling me I needed a fresh start.

After the incident at the club, I found myself in my house, still in Vivian’s dress, but with little memory after I discovered her body. I knew that someone had dragged me out, but other than that, everything else was a blur. I guessed that I was lucid enough to tell them where I lived or maybe I’d found my way home on my own, but it didn't really matter. All I could focus on was that Vivian was dead.

The cops got a tip as to what gang members it was, and I heard Finn skipped town in order to dodge the rest. All of his lackeys disappeared with him. Normally, this would be the answer to my prayers, but I just couldn't get it together. After I dropped a few plates of food, stuck in a daze, Mel told me to take a few days off.

I didn't know what to do with myself, so I went to the library, trying to find something to keep my mind busy. I was on two days without any sleep because every time I closed my eyes, Vivian’s frozen, vacant ones stared back at me, blaming me. I would jolt awake, having broken out into a sweat.

That was when I saw the email from Messores University in a remote town called Ruby Corner, New York. The email thanked me for my essay, which I didn’t remember submitting, but I had done a lot of scholarship applications. It said I’d been chosen to receive their Shining Star scholarship, which was a four-year, all-expenses-paid opportunity. Supposedly, a letter would arrive soon with the exact details of where I needed to be and when.

I checked my mail that day, and there the letter was, stamped and sealed with a credit card in my name, stating that it was to help me with relocation fees and travel. Once I checked in at the school on Sunday for freshman orientation, the balance would be reloaded to cover books and supplies.

Since there was a credit card involved, I sat down and read all the fine print, which was pretty straightforward. All I needed to do was show up to orientation in a week, get assigned a room, and attend eighty percent of my classes for the year. It even had a clause that said I must start off in the dorms, but if I had any issues or found it difficult to live there, I was to submit a request via email and they would find me an off-campus option.

This didn't seem normal. Most of the applications I had applied to would pay a partial or full tuition, but not housing, or they would pay for my books and supplies depending on my major. It was why I kept applying to so many, hoping that I could stack up the funds, but I couldn’t remember one as complete as this.

Mel told me I was looking a gift horse in the mouth, whatever that meant, then he crossed his arms and fired me. After the initial shock, he tucked a few hundreds into my pocket, hugged me, and told me I would be doing a disservice to myself if I stayed in Virginia, unable to leave the past behind.

I didn't have a job, I was traumatized by my best friend's death, and I had nothing to keep me here—no one but Mel, who’d just shoved me out the door. It seemed like this was the only real option to move forward in my life. I needed to know if I really was the cursed child or just a product of my surroundings.

So I packed my shit, which surprisingly fit in two boxes that I could easily stuff in the trunk, got my deposit back, and printed out a Google map from the library. Then I was off, not looking back at the only place I had ever known as home.

Now, I was on the side of the highway, having a panic attack. God, I’m pathetic.

I’d had bad shit happen to me and around me for all my life. I should be used to life doing me dirty like this, not breaking down whenever I thought of Vivian, about how she’d left me alone. I was going to work on that. Going to work on only being present in the new space I was in.

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