Page 41 of Ten Hammers

“Everyone at school felt so bad for me when dad went to jail, again, but it was a reprieve for me. Gram would at least leave me alone. To dad, I was like some scab he couldn’t resist picking at. For a long time, I hoped she would die. I had this fantasy that if she did, your parents would adopt me, the way they did all of you.”

“I think Mom had the same fantasy,” he says.

I take a deep breath and try to steady myself. “Come on. Let’s do the grand tour. Say hello to all the ghosts.”

He’s by my side in the blink of an eye. But this time, he doesn’t hold my hand. He puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. Together, we walk from room to room. It’s like a museum of misery and I’m so grateful he doesn’t let me go, not even for a minute.

Haunted as I am by the rooms, which are more wrecked than the house was in my memories, and that’s saying a lot, I manage to open up to Gav. I tell him things I could never say before. I show him where Gram sat, eating her snacks – the ones she never shared with me because “more snacks are the last thing you need,” and as I share the pain with him, he hugs me tight.

Last, I lead Gavin into my childhood room, and I brace myself for the horrible slam of memories. It surprises me when it’s not as overwhelming as I expected. Maybe because at this point, I’ve shared enough of the horror to make it bearable. Or maybe because Gav is the greatest shoulder to lean on, somehow passing his strength on to me. My room is a trash heap, and smells like an entire family of cats had been locked up in here at one point. But the purple crayon-drawn window with a view of a family of 12 stick figures, all grinning, is still hidden behind my bedroom door. I actually manage a real smile as I show him, crude as it is.

“I desperately wished I could see you, your brothers, and Anna and Popsy from my bedroom window. Since I couldn’t, I drew my own version of you.”

It’s a dumb, childish scribble, but it was the only thing about my room I ever liked. This old drawing of the Hammers is how I see them all, still. A beautiful sea of smiling faces, always happy to see me.

When we finally turn off the lights and shut the front door behind us, I’m still holding on to Gavin but not with the tight grip of dread which I held onto him with before. Now I just don’t want to let him go. Not yet. Not while I feel light in a way I never have before. Buoyant. My stomach is fizzy from the elation of having tackled the most dreaded moment of my life. My heart still races.

“That was intense,” I say, and I’m glad when Gav doesn’t move away from the doorstep but pulls me closer.

“You are the bravest person I have ever met, Win.” I can’t see his face but I hear the emotion.

“I’m not brave,” I say with a small laugh. “I ran away from the internet trolls for how many years? I only just managed to pull on the big girl pants necessary to watch 1 Girl, 10 Hammers.”

“You finally watched it? That’s huge! What did you think?”

“I think I’m more grateful than ever that you turned down the network’s stupid spin-off. I’ve already dealt with my bullshit excuse for a family and countless internet trolls, scrutinizing every aspect of my appearance. I can’t fathom the scrutiny that would come with a dating show.”

Before I can tell him the rest, that watching the show made me more confused than ever, he says my name in a way that make chills shoot down my spine.

He looks down at me, frowning. “Pooh Bear. If we were doing a dating show right now, I’d look straight into the camera filming us.” His dark eyes flash with determination. “I’d tell those trolls to go screw themselves, and then...” His voice softens as his fingers skim down my cheek, and he adds, “I’d kiss you, and I’d probably never stop.”

I stare at him in the dark, and my heart rate jumps into high gear. It’s his lip ring. Moonlight shines on it, and my senses flood with memories of his mouth on mine. And his tongue ring...

I shiver, even as my entire body floods with warmth.

“Are you cold?”

“No. I’m remembering what happened this morning,” I admit.

He nods his understanding, and the air changes between us, grows heavier. He pulls me closer to him.

“That minute was the most incredible minute of my life, Win,” he says, his voice growing more emotional. “I’d give anything to have whatever it is that Max has had with you. Anything. My left nut, even.”

He’s joking, but I can’t manage to laugh. Not as I stare at him, unable to tear my gaze from the intensity in his eyes. I could drown in it.

“I was so fucking jealous when I found out.”

I’m still trying…I have to break away, or else I’ll do something stupid, like blurt out that I’m in love with him. No. Way. Because then I’d have to clarify that I’m not choosing him as my favorite, that I’m in love with them all.

So I do the only thing I can think to do before I drown myself in my own verbal embarrassment, and that’s to stand on my toes, circle my arms around the back of his neck, same as I did earlier, so that I can run my hands through his gorgeous midnight hair. But now, I waste no time, and pull his mouth to mine and kiss him. I run my tongue along his lip ring, drawing it gently between my teeth. When I kiss him again, softly, he moans against my mouth and my pussy clenches.

And then he grabs my ass and fits me up against him, kisses me hard, scraping his barbell against my tongue in a way that has me bucking closer, so I can feel all of him.

There he goes again, making me soak my panties. Not to mention destroying all of my rational thought. How can I think when he’s as hard as this, and I’m melting into a puddle of warm goo?

But thinking be damned. My instinct take over, rocking my hips into his, allowing the pleasure to wash over my body until I break my mouth from his to gasp his name.

My cry does all sorts of things to turn Gavin on even more and I lose track of all time and space after that, my only dimension being his kiss. The softness of his lips mixed with the hard lines of his body, his nipples with their barbells, which I would suck on if his shirt weren’t in the way…

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