Page 100 of Antidote

Ollie

Elevator code and I’ll come home for Christmas.

Conrad

1013

I pocket my phone and stare at my shoes. Why the hell is his code my birthday? Our birthday? Anyone with half a brain could figure that out. Does he want people entering his condo, or just me? Did he know I’d find out where he lives? Was he hoping I’d let myself in?

Shaking my head, I punch in the code. This is all messing with my head. Except I just agreed to go home for Christmas, where he will undoubtedly be. I’ll have to spend two nights sleeping in the room beside his. On the bed where we almost fucked, where he loved me more than anyone ever has. Where we would share secrets and dreams and stupid butterfly kisses.

I’m so fucked.

The elevator dings as the doors open for me, and I press the button to the correct floor. It’s eerily quiet, and it sucks because I don’t want to hear myself think right now. The way up is taking very, very long. Maybe this is a sign to turn around and not come up. That I need to let this go, and not give him the time of day. He’s clearly trying to get a rise out of me, and I should not give him the satisfaction. But even I know I’m full of shit. I couldn’t turn around at this point, even if I tried. And I’m not going to.

The elevator shakes as it stops on the correct floor, and I hold my breath. Except the doors open right to his living room, and I freeze in place, unsure of what to do. His penthouse is spacious. There are dark brown hardwood floors and warm paint on the walls. There’s a long cream-colored sectional that makes the place look a little cooler than I’d like…it feels a little sterile. Then again, this is clearly not a home. Just a place to crash. Hunter Hartman hasn’t had a home since us. I’m sure of that.

The elevator doors ding again, and just as they’re about to shut, I cross and stand in Hunter’s living room like it belongs to me. Like I belong in here. As if I have any right to. I hold my breath for ten seconds, then let it out. He has headphones on, and he’s reading a book. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am at a loss for words. He looks like the same guy I lost. He looks like my Hunter. Even still smells like him too, if the scent filling my nostrils is any indication.

He moves, and my stomach drops, scared he’s going to find me out before I can get out of here. I’m about to turn around to get the hell out of here when our eyes connect. It feels like my heart has stopped dead in my chest. Like hell has frozen over. Like every impossible dream I’ve ever had just came true. It feels like coming home.

“Ollie?” Hunter asks with wide, hopeful eyes, and it does something to my chest. It feels like I’m having a goddamn heart attack.

I steel my spine and take a step forward, ignoring the thundering of my heart as I muster up all my strength and reply, “Hunter.”

Ollie’s eyes are as wide as my own, and when I get up from the couch, I see his hands visibly shake. With every step I take in his direction, he backs up. Until he’s against the elevator doors with nowhere to go. He’s trapped, and judging from the look in his eyes, he’s also terrified.

“H-hunt,” he whispers. “W-w-wait.”

My heart skips a beat, although I don’t stop until my arms are on either side of his head, caging him in. He looks up at me, his bottom lip trembling, and traps it between his teeth. I want to free it with my thumb. I want to tug it between my teeth, but instead, I stare down at him like he holds the answers to all my questions. And maybe he does.

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for, the one when I finally get him back. Only he looks like a cornered animal ready to strike, so I want to reassure him. I want to tell him that he’s my other half and that this past year without him has been hell. That I can’t breathe without him. I’ve been cruising through life, unaware of where I’m going. It’s all because of him—his absence. I have no fucking direction. I’m a ship lost at sea. I’m nothing without him. No one.

“I’ve waited long enough, Ollie,” I whisper back, my eyes searching his. For something. Anything that will indicate that he’s still in this with me. I’m looking for the tiniest sliver of love. Instead, I find fear. “Don’t you think?”

Ollie nods, a tear spilling over. I kiss it away, tasting the salt on my lips. His nostrils flare as his eyes stay shut, and when he opens them again, the light blue of his eyes takes me captive and doesn’t let go. “You’ve been patient.”

“You promised,” I remind him. “You swore.”

“I did.” He nods again, but he doesn’t look as happy as I thought he would. “Hunter, I?—”

“No.” I shake my head. “Don’t tell me we’re done for good. I won’t fucking let you. You—” I take a deep breath. “You’re my everything. I have to be your everything too,” I croak.

“I’m in a good place?—”

“So be in a good place,” I reply, and his eyes plead with me. To let him go. To understand. I know him better than I know myself. But this? No. I’m not rolling over and taking it. I’m not accepting this. “With me.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“I love you,” I say hoarsely, my voice unrecognizable even to my own ears. “I’ve done everything you asked for. I waited a year—I’ll wait even longer if you need me to. But you didn’t even give me a sign of life. All you gave me was silence for an entire year, and I was going insane, Oliver.”

He flinches at the use of his name. “Don’t call me that.”

“Don’t make me.” I wrap his hair around my fist and tug so his face is tilted up to mine. My eyes fall to his lips as they part for me, and his breathing shallows. “Please, baby. I can’t let you go.”

Ollie closes his eyes for a second, and when he opens them back up, he looks like he’s in physical pain. And guess what? I am too. Every second of uncertainty on his end is like a knife to my heart, and he keeps stabbing over and over and fucking over.

“Was that your grand gesture?” he asks me, a small smile tipping up the corner of his lips. It’s barely there, though I’ll take it.

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