Page 71 of Antidote

Even a lifetime together will never be enough. Spending the rest of my life by his side is my new goal. It’s such a contrast to the way I wanted him out of my life forever not that long ago, and I’m not sure exactly what changed my feelings. Maybe I’ve always felt this way and wouldn’t admit it—even to myself. All that hatred I was channeling toward him was not because of mom. It was because I told myself I couldn’t have him. I was denying myself what I wanted most in my life. Him.

“It’s you,” Ollie says softly, and my heart squeezes in my chest. “It’s only ever been you.” Those words—I’ve been waiting to hear them, even if I’d never admit it.

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Ollie,” I admit. A moment of silence and a deep breath later, I add, “I came out to the team.”

“You did what?”

“Dad is next.” Nerves flutter deep in my stomach, but I know it needs to happen. “Next week at dinner.”

Ollie smiles, and it’s blinding. “It’ll be okay,” he reassures me, even though we both know it might not be. However, I can’t think about that. This is what I want, and I’ve been denying myself long enough. I’ve had enough—I need to choose myself and my happiness. “We’ll be okay.”

“Yes, we will be,” I promise him. “No matter what.”

I lower my face to his again and kiss him tenderly, chastely. And right now, I know that no matter what happens with Dad, at least I’ll always have this. I’ll have Ollie and a good life. He’ll have his sobriety, and we will be happy.

Happier than I could ever dream for us.

I know it.

The past few days have been a dream. If someone had told me a few months ago that Hunt and I would be officially in a relationship, that we’d give each other another chance, I would’ve laughed in their face. Seeing as, at the time, there was no fucking way that was even a possibility. Surely, he hated me too much. Surely I’d fucked up enough in this lifetime. Only now that we’ve forgiven each other and moved on from everything, now that he has come to terms with his sexuality…it feels like we have our whole lives ahead of us. Like, we finally have a shot at this. It’s as exhilarating as it is terrifying.

Hunter told me he came out to the team. At first, I didn’t know what to think or how to feel, except maybe I was a little relieved. Now, though? I feel like all my dreams are coming true, one after the other, in rapid succession. It’s a little overwhelming, but I can’t lie, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Everything I used to beg for. Now, he’s giving it to me without any prompting or begging on my side. It’s as if he genuinely does want this, and that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Does he feel the same? Is he happy?

Warm fingers interlace with mine as Hunter grabs a hold of my hand, and I look at him with a smile. We’re sitting side by side at my Narcotics Anonymous meeting, our sides pressed against each other until we’re touching everywhere. My sponsor, Lisa, gave me a disapproving look when I came in holding Hunter’s hand, but I raised an eyebrow and kept walking. She has now made it her mission to go to the podium and give a speech on the importance of waiting a full year before entering any type of romantic relationship during recovery.

I scowl at her words, but Hunter just squeezes my hand in reassurance. Nothing is keeping us apart, not even this unspoken rule. It’s not even an actual rule. They can’t control our choices. It's more like just trying to steer us in the right direction. Quite frankly, I’m not letting anything tear Hunt and I apart. Not now when I finally have everything I’ve ever wanted.

Well, almost everything.

We haven’t come out to my dad, although that’s next. We have dinner with him in a few days, and Hunt already told me he’d be telling Conrad all about us. It’s terrifying to think about, but we must be brave. I already know he won’t approve. It doesn’t take much imagination to picture his face turning red with anger at the revelation. However, it’s worth it—it has to be done.

We have to tell him if we want a real chance at a future. The sooner, the better. I don’t want him to find out from someone else, or worse, he sees us at school holding hands or in another compromising position. Surely, I’ll be going to Hunt’s games and wearing his jersey. Dad will probably find that odd, and before long, he’ll be able to put two and two together.

I’ve tried not to give it much thought because it scares me, but what if Dad doesn’t want us together? What then? Will Hunter break up with me? Will he tell Conrad to fuck off? The fact that I don’t know… scares the hell out of me.

People clap and cheer for Lisa as she walks away from the podium, and her eyes are on me the entire time. The meeting wraps up, and she finds me before I have a chance to run away, which is exactly what I was trying to do. But I know I have to face her, even if I’m not making choices she approves of. At least I’m clean, and I will continue to be. For the sake of myself and this relationship, I know I have no other choice.

Lisa doesn’t know the extent of our history, the push and pull between us, and the love we built from the ground up all those years ago. All she knows are the bad parts I’ve told her. What I had to disclose as my triggers for relapsing. Maybe I didn’t have to tell her all about it, but at the time, I never thought Hunt and I would be getting back together. I was being honest with her in case I needed her, but now all I feel is regret for painting a negative picture of what could be a beautiful thing.

“We should talk, Ollie,” Lisa says when she reaches me, and I stiffen. Hunter keeps a firm grip on my hand, squeezing once in reassurance. “If this is going to stick, we should devise a plan to protect your sobriety.”

I shake my head, but Hunter interjects, “I think that’s a great idea.”

I gaze up at him like he’s lost his damn mind while he just smiles at me. “Do we have to?” I ask Lisa, my mood somber. I don’t exactly want to talk to her about this. I have to trust Hunter to protect my heart, and I have to trust myself to be strong enough to continue on if he doesn’t.

“I think we do.” Lisa smiles apologetically. “We both know this is a bad idea. However, if you won’t budge on this relationship, we should at least make a plan—just in case.”

I nod because Hunter squeezes me again. I really don’t want to do this, but maybe it’s not such a terrible idea. I’ll do it if only to know how to cope when Dad finds out. Perhaps I can be open and honest with her about that and she’ll help me. Even if Hunt and I are strong enough to withstand whatever Conrad throws our way, I’ll probably need support.

“Okay,” I say begrudgingly.

“Meet me at Metro Diner in an hour.” She smiles, and I tell her we’ll be there.

An hour later, we’re sitting at the diner, a hole in the wall. It’s pretty with its checkered floors and spaced-out booths. The lights from the ceiling are low-hanging, giving off the vibes of a high-end restaurant—the way they’re dimmed.

Hunter and I sit on the same side, our shoulders brushing, his hand squeezing my thigh. He’s always hated sitting across from each other, and now that we don’t have to pretend or hide, it’s so much better. He looks at me with fucking heart eyes and a smirk on his lips, making my stomach do a weird little flutter. I’ll never be over the way he makes me feel. Like I’m his entire world, the only thing he sees—the only one for him.

I slide my hand between my thighs and grab his, interlacing our fingers. We don’t even have to look at the menu to know what we want—our favorite. So when the waitress comes around, he orders chicken and waffles for both of us without even asking me. This is why I never got over him. He knows me better than anyone. If this isn’t meant to be—if we’re not meant to be together—then I have no hope for a future relationship. No one will know me the way he does.

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