Page 62 of Antidote

“I want you to leave.”

“Please, Blue.”

“You don’t deserve this.” I chuckle. “Or me.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” His voice rises as he grabs my hand and links our fingers, surprising me. A gasp escapes me before I can control it. I try to yank my hand out of his grip but he just holds on tighter. “I fucked up, Ollie. But I want this. Just this once. Show me what I’ve been missing. I need it—” He chokes on his words. “I need you.”

I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. How do I reject him right now? I’ve never been able to deny him a thing in my entire life, and he knows that. He’s using my weaknesses against me, and I know it’s going to come back and bite me in the ass.

Hunter is not going to give a shit about me—again—after this is said and done. Can I handle that? Is it worth it? I know the answer already. I’d take any crumbs of him I could get.

Only rather than giving in, I shake my head. “No, you know what—I don’t care anymore. You need me? How about all the times you’ve rejected me? Did you need me then, too? Or did my pain bring you joy?” Hunter opens his mouth to reply, but I cut him off. “I’m not the only one at fault here, you are too. You could’ve driven me, but you let her drive, Hunter. I was high because of you—because you can’t make up your fucking mind and you don’t know what you want. You won’t accept yourself. You’re hot and cold. You want me, then you don’t. You need to put your big boy pants on and deal with the fact that you’re gay.”

“I’m not?—”

Is he fucking serious right now? After all of this, he’s still going to deny it.

Ignoring him, I continue, “I will forgive you once you forgive yourself, I will wave a white flag. But only once you come to terms with who you are. I will accept you back into my life as my brother, or more if you like—but only once you finally admit to yourself that you’re in love with me. This rage you feel, it’s not about me. It isn’t about how much you hate me. This is about how much you hate yourself.”

Hunter nods slowly and sighs, staring right into my eyes. His lips are tight as he remains quiet for a beat, then another. My heart is rushing in my ears, and I’m surprised I can make out what he’s saying when he begins to speak.

“You’re right.” My stomach drops when he says those words. I never knew two little words could hurt so much. Because if he can acknowledge it, then he must know he’s been punishing me for no reason. “We both lost someone we love. We both played a part in it, and we’re both guilty.” He blinks back tears and I stay stock still, barely even daring to breathe. “We’re guilty of hurting each other. And we’re guilty of hurting people we care about. But I’m not gay, Ollie. I am attracted to guys.” My brows furrow in confusion. “But I don’t want to fuck them. I’ve been doing research, and I think I need an emotional connection before wanting to have sex. I’m demisexual.”

“What are you telling me, Hunter?” I ask slowly.

“I’m saying,” Hunter comes closer between my spread legs, and he cups my face as he looks up at me with the saddest eyes. “I don’t need guys. I just need you. All of you.”

“Don’t do this, Hunt. Don’t fucking do this.”

“Be with me,” He blurts out. “Let’s figure it out.”

I push him away and look at his red, blotchy face. His eyes are swollen from crying. And yet, he’s still beautiful. My broken boy. My everything. “Stop.” I shake my head, trying not to be blinded by my wants and needs. Trying not to believe in his pretty little lies. “We both know you’re going to change your mind tomorrow.” He shakes his head now. “We know you’re going to hate me again in five minutes. And that’s not going to change.”

“It’s already changed,” he whispers. “I don’t hate you. You were right…I hated myself.”

“I can’t do this back and forth with you anymore.”

“There won’t be any more back and forth, Ollie. I swear it.” He grabs my hands and squeezes them gently, and I look down at our connection. “Look at me, baby,” he whispers. “Look at me while I tell you how I really feel.”

My breath catches in my throat as I gaze into his eyes again, and I swear I’m not prepared for what I find there. All these feelings circling in his expression, and I can’t tell what any of them are.

“This is not the kind of love you move on from,” Hunter tells me softly, his voice wrapping around me like a gentle caress. “Because this—what we have—it’s forever. I love you—and I’ll never stop fighting for it—for us. I’ve never been able to get over you, and I know I never will.”

His body over mine flashes in my mind, and I think of how we fit perfectly together. The feeling of his lips on mine is a vivid memory, and it’s scary. I’m scared of him, of the pain he can inflict.

“I’m scared,” I whisper.

“Let me show you, Ollie.” His voice cracks. “Let me show you how much I love you, and in return, I’ll take anything you’ll give me.”

“So show me,” I tell him, twisting my body to push back the covers. He lets me go and I stand, then hook my thumbs into my boxer briefs and push them down my legs, throwing them to the other side of the room. I turn my head to stare at him, and I don’t miss the way he licks his lips while gazing at my cock. It stiffens and grows right in front of his eyes, and he bites his bottom lip. I get back in bed, the cold sheets making me shiver. “Lube’s in the drawer,” I grunt, and he practically flies toward my nightstand.

I’ve never seen him move this fast before. He has the lube clutched in his fist and his pants and boxers off in seconds. Then he just stands there and watches me, and I do the same. I admire the years of work he’s put in and how he looks like a man now. There’s no boy left in him. No, he’s all grown up, my Hunter. It makes me want to turn back time and start over. I wish I hadn’t fucked up. I wish he was still mine.

His muscles flex with restraint as he watches my body, and I focus on his corded arms as they flex with his grip on the lube. But I’m weak, and I let myself take a mental note of every dip and groove, every fucking line of his abs, and the Adonis belt that makes my mouth water.

My hand reaches out tentatively, and I trace my fingers down his cock softly, barely there. He stays still for me and closes his eyes, and when I grip his cock he whimpers. I tug on it, jerking him, and use my thumb to catch the pre-cum beading on the tip. As soon as I let go, it’s as if he misses the contact, and his eyes fly open. I push my thumb between my lips and suck on it slowly, looking into his eyes. Black swallows green, and he does that thing again—biting his bottom lip and driving me crazy.

“You still taste so fucking good,” I tell him, my voice low and breathy. “Come here.”

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