Page 1 of Antidote

People say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. What they don’t tell you is that your life can flash before your eyes while you’re alive, too—and it’s even worse than death.

It’s been twenty minutes since I took four oxycodone.

Twenty.

And my head is finally spinning and floating.

A grin stretches my face, but I can barely feel it. Everything is so fucking numb—just how I want it. There’s no reason in particular as to why I chase the high—or low—except that I like the way it feels. One day, I woke up not an addict, and by the end of that same day, I was one. The second that numbing sensation took over my body, I knew it was over. It was exactly what I had been yearning for my entire life. All the anxious thoughts in my brain disappeared—every single fucking bad thought I had ever had…it was just gone.

The nagging feeling that I’m missing out on so much more is always there. I’ve lost the people who matter the most to me, mostly friends. But if I had to pick the person I miss the most, it would be Hunter, my stepbrother. He immediately noticed when I started using, and he gave me an ultimatum. In the end, I couldn’t choose. Him or Oxy. Oxy or him. I didn’t have it in me to pick.

I’m not going to stick around to watch you kill yourself.

Those words still echo in my ears every time I swallow a couple of pills, but the thing about the drugs is that they drown out those silly little evil fucking thoughts—the ones where I acknowledge that he might be right. And he is, I know that. But I don’t want to do anything about it.

It’s the end of my junior year of college right now, and I’m not exactly a straight-A student, but I get by just fine. My drug consumption isn’t affecting me as much as people think it is, and even though I pop pills multiple times a day, I can still function. I only ever get this high when I don’t have anything to do. And right now, as I rest my forehead against the steering wheel right in front of the house I will be spending my summer at—with the unrequited love of my life—I’ve never wanted to stop those feelings more. But that’s okay because Oxy always has my back, and right now, even my limbs are too numb for me to give a fuck about anything.

My chest tightens as I straighten my body and drop my head back on the headrest of the car’s driver’s side seat, and my head spins as I try to open my eyes to no avail—one of my least favorite things about the Oxy.

Fuck.

Leaving my eyes closed, I try to focus on my breaths. In and…out…in…and…out. They’re coming so slowly, but I don’t mind it. My heart thumps at the same pace. However, it’s loud, like drums in my ears.

In…out…in…out.

Tap, tap, tap.

I startle awake, although sluggishly. My body is moving in slow motion as I attempt to open the driver’s side door, but it falls to my side after a pathetic try. The smile that wants to make an appearance is not blooming, and it’s mostly because my face is so damn numb.

“Ollie!” The voice comes from a distance, and I somehow am able to unlock the door, even if I can’t get it open. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“M-mom.” I try, but my lips aren’t moving. Did I say anything, or is it just my imagination?

“Hunter!” A shrill scream comes from my side. Why is everyone freaking out? “Help me!”

I’m fine.

“Blue?” Hunter whispers in my ear, and this time, I manage to give a full smile. He always makes me smile. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Disappointing you—again.

“W-what’s wrong, Green?” I frown. Or at least I think I do.

“That’s it!” Mom barks. “I’m taking him to the hospital.”

“No!” I yell, but I can’t tell if they even hear me.

“Put him on the passenger side,” she demands.

“Fuck him,” Hunter growls. “I don’t want anything to do with him right now. Just fucking look at him. Let him die, Mom. He’s been going down that road for a long fucking time.”

My stomach dips and swoops and falls.

“Shut your fucking mouth, Hunter Michael Hartman,” my mom snaps. “And help me help him.”

Hunter quietly does as she says, helping me out of the driver’s seat. My feet drag across the concrete driveway, and I hold onto him for dear life. Right before we round the car, I see her distraught face. Her eyes are wide, and her lips are trembling, but I avert my gaze quickly. Her green eyes are the exact same shade as Hunter’s, and I don’t want to think about that right now. I don’t want to think about the past or the sleepless nights spent in bed with him.

It feels like time is crawling by and simultaneously speeding up. When I’m in the passenger seat of my mom’s car, Hunter puts my seatbelt on. “What were you thinking, Oliver?” He groans. “You really fucked up this time.”

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