Page 90 of Antidote

Interesting.

Even though I should pretend not to be interested, I nod. I want information, and I’m gonna pry it out of him one way or another, even if it means I’ll spend some time talking about him. He’s a self-centered prick anyway. I have no clue what the hell Murdock sees in him, but whatever.

“He’s kind of an asshole,” I mention, and he grins.

“Only to you.” His wink pisses me off, and my face heats. “He’s a big teddy bear with everyone else. Then again, I can’t exactly blame him for hating you. You really hurt his best friend.”

Fuck. That.

I’m Ollie’s best friend, not this cheap replacement that he calls Jamie. But still, I nod and say, “It was a misunderstanding, okay?” I sigh in exasperation. “He didn’t stick around long enough to hear what I told his dad.”

“Maybe you need to move on.” He shrugs.

“The fuck I do,” I growl, getting out of my chair. If he suggests that shit one more fucking time… “I’m not moving on, Dylan. I’m getting him back. I’ve never felt shit for anyone until him. I’ve never even liked sex before he came along. I can’t let him go.”

Dylan’s brow’s furrow, then his eyes widen to saucers. “You didn’t like sex?”

“I don’t know,” I tell him, looking at my feet. “I’ve never been interested in anyone else. I had to force myself to have sex, and even then, I had to turn myself on. I don’t even know why I’m fucking telling you this?—”

“So why the fuck didn’t you tell your dad before?” Dylan interrupts.

“Do you want to hear about my daddy issues too?” I smirk, and he grins. But still, he nods his head, and I sigh. He should be the last person on this planet I confide in. He will either use it against me or run his mouth to Jamie. “My dad abandoned me, okay? And the only guy who stepped up and took me in without questions was Ollie’s dad. I know it’s fucked up, because we’re already in this whole stepbrother predicament. But Ollie and I were raised as brothers for half our lives now. And so his dad—he’s my dad, too. I can’t change that in my heart. I was scared to lose him, yet the thought of not having Ollie in my life is terrifying. I can’t do it, Dylan. I can’t fucking live without him.”

Dylan nods slowly. “Well, I’ll be damned.” He turns around and stirs the meat again. “I didn’t realize it went this deep. When Jamie said you chose your dad, I thought you were just being a selfish asshole who wanted to keep the golden boy status.”

“I didn’t choose my dad. And fuck being the golden boy,” I growl, running my hands through my hair. “If Ollie doesn’t take me back…I’ll have no one left. No family. But he’s worth it. I’d do it for him.”

“I think Jamie convinced him to pick himself over you.” He frowns. “But if he’s the love of your life, you have to try either way, man.”

“I’m gonna try.” Fuck Jamie for putting shit in Ollie’s head. But then again, I can actually see his point too, and that pisses me off. I don’t want Ollie to choose himself, even if it makes sense to do so. I know I’ve hurt him a lot, but damn it, I chose him.

“Sounds like you have to try really, really hard,” Connor says, sitting across from me. “I’m sorry. I know this sucks. But we’re here for you.” I look up at Dylan, and he’s pursing his lips.

“I need it,” I admit. “Thanks.”

And the truth is that I don’t know what I would do if they weren’t here right now. This sucks so fucking bad, and I need the emotional support. This next year is going to be the worst of my life. But I’ll give Ollie what he’s asking for.

A year from now, though.

I’m going after him.

It’s December now, and it’s a little cold. It doesn’t help that it won’t stop raining, and the gloom makes me even more depressed. Yet here I sit, in Jamie’s car, waiting for the downpour to recede just a bit so I can go visit Lucy. Jamie has been very patient with me for the past few weeks as I navigate my feelings, and he has been my personal chauffeur for pretty much everything I need as well.

Ever since Hunter came over that night and begged for me back, I’ve been wallowing in self-pity. I know I’m the one who asked for time, but I can’t help missing him. Wanting him back in my life. I can’t help but feel like I made a mistake—maybe an irreversible one. What if he doesn’t want me back in a year? He said he’d be waiting, but a lot can change in a year. What if he meets someone else? What if he falls in love with someone who isn’t me? The very thought makes me nauseous.

Hunter has been sending me good night, I love you, and please take me back text messages every night. I’ve listened to his countless voicemails and even read his emails. They’re destroying the little shards left of my heart, and I don’t know how much more of it I can take.

My stomach hurts just thinking about what I’ve done. I may have fucked up my only chance to be with him. He offered everything I wanted…and yet I shut him down.

Put yourself first.

I can’t help but hear my sponsor’s voice in my head. You need to be sober for one year before starting a relationship. Of course, I didn’t listen. But if I want to have my sobriety, I really need to take the steps to get there.

The first step is being away from anything that could compromise it.

And unfortunately, that includes Hunter.

I’m grateful he hasn’t stopped by the apartment again, mostly because I know I'll be weak if I see him in person. I know he’s trying to get me back, and while there’s literally nothing in this life that I want more, I need this time. Not to mention, maybe he and Dad can make amends.

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